There Are Things In Life I Know, There Are Things In Life I Want To Show You, But All This Time Apart Gets The Better Of My Heart And My Head

--"Helsinki", Mary Lou Lord

There's a process to every individual's life that is compiled of mandatory occurrences and optional occurrences. Quite often people mix up the latter category with the former for a variety of reasons. Sometimes people assume that a so-called "normal" life is predicated on certain events having taken place by that life's closure. Barring that, they feel their life us wholly unfulfilled and wholly incomplete. Fairly soon after a juncture on their journey where they feel the weight of this incompletion they begin to spend their time and energy doing whatever necessary to cross this off their list. Obsessing compulsively over filling this void, they lose sight of the other more essential components of a life live welled. On the other hand, there exists certain individuals who gaze upon these necessary milestones and do their best to relegate them to the optional checklist of their lives. They spend all their time avoiding the obvious fixtures that need attending and chasing all the frivolous pursuits, that they too settle for living a partial life.

Try to guess who falls into which category.

----

thirteen years prior

B - This is your new thing, now, sugar? This is what I have to look forward to?

P - It's inexplicable.

B - You do paint a picture, though.

P - A sad, little picture on a sad, little wall.

B - No, a pretty picture full of pretty things.

P - You really think so.

B - I really think so. I mean--it's not like I didn't have my own thoughts on the subject. It hasn't escaped my attention completely.

P - Sometimes I get scared of discussing crap like this with you. I feel like I'm throwing stuff at you that you might not want to hear.

B - Et tu?

P - What?

B - Are you going to decide what I need to hear also, darling?

P - That's not what I was doing at all.

B - Sounded like you were.

P - I'm just saying I feel uncomfortable.

B - And all I'm saying is get over it. Hell's bells, it's like I haven't sliced myself open like a watermelon for you. Everything I know, you probably know too now.

P - But you're changing all the time.

B - That's why I give you updates. I don't want it ever said that I kept you out for some reason.

P - Appreciated, Breanne.

B - Anyway. You were saying?

P - Probably words.

B - Arranged in sequence expressing thoughts. Yes, we know. But I believe you were about to astound me with a complete breakdown of the mysteries of life...

P - The universe and everything? Hardly. I was just about to tell you my ideas on what it's like.

B - You imagine.

P - What, you don't believe me?

B - No, I didn't say that. I just wanted to make it sure it was clear that we're not talking about personal experience.

P - See? Now you just make me feel bad. Good job.

B - Not my intention. You shouldn't feel embarrassed. I'm right there with you.

P - Rotting away together?

B - Cell mates to the end.

P - Good to know. It's not like I never had the desire, but just never the opportunity. It got to the point where I stopped thinking it wasn't important at all. It's like knowing you're not allowed peanuts into your diet. At first, peanuts are all you can think of, but fairly soon you really do start thinking that maybe peanuts are in your future.

B - With me it's the opposite. All I can think about are peanuts. How they feel, how happy they're going to make me... how they taste.

P - Do you really think about it all the time?

B - All the time. You've read the literature. You tell me how often it crosses my mind.

P - But to you it's just one component of growing up. It's just another way you feel childish. For you it's something to do to prove to yourself that you're growing up.

B - How can it not be?

P - To me it's just kind of a hassle. We're like two ends of the spectrum here with me falling securely on the side of "should have happened by now if it's to happen at all."

B - I don't put you in the category. You're still a young'n yet.

P - Hardly.

B - Personally, I think it's kind of nice to know someone who's not all gung-ho about it. A healthy sense of respect is not a bad thing.

P - What about abject terror?

B - What are you terrified about?

P - I'm scared that maybe it's just not in the cards for me, that I'm on one side here and peanuts are on the other, and never the twain shall meet.

B - I don't think you really believe that, sugar.

P - I do.

B - No, because if you really believed that then you wouldn't be talking to me.

P - What does that mean?

B - I think if you had really given up truly and completely, you wouldn't be talking to me or Jina or whoever else you talk to. I think you'd be penned up somewhere, too scared to come out of the house, or make the slightest intention known to anybody.

P - I don't have intentions.

B - Believe me, you have intentions.

P - And what do you think my intentions are?

B - I think you intend me.

P - I would never intend you.

B - Never?

P - Of course, I can't say never.

B - My point exactly. You might not want to admit it, but you're like the cat climbing the tree. You may look like you're not doing anything wicked, but no cat climbs a tree unless they're chasing something.

P - And you think I'm chasing you?

B - I know you're chasing me. I let you chase me.

P - That's kind of twisted.

B - Why's that?

P - You know why. I'm old enough to be your...

B - Boyfriend?

P - You know what.

B - Look, darling, you can't unbake a cake. You can't treat me like your equal when it suits you and then like your little sister you have to protect when it doesn't. You obviously think I'm capable of holding this discussion with you. You should have the decency to acknowledge that I'm somewhat part of the subject of the discussion.

P - Can't I just be talking rhetorically here?

B - Theories and daydreams are fine, but why not use a real-life example? That's how I was always taught.

P - I guess I'd rather pretend the subject didn't exist, gloss over it until such a time it's okay to discuss it freely.

B - It's just me. It's not like I'm taping our conversation to utilize against you at a later point, Patrick.

P - I know.

B - You trust me, right?

P - I do.

B - Then shush up and be real with me like you usually are.


and no matter what I do I can't stop thinking of you

P - The truth is I think you're my only option.

B - You say it like it's a fate worse than death.

P - And that upsets you? You don't want me to talk about you like that?

B - Please, thank you.

P - The only reason I say it like that is because I don't want to want you. I don't want to feel about you the way I do. It's too soon, I'm too unsure, and, frankly, it just wouldn't be right.

B - Your problem is you worry too much, Eeyore. I think we're a long way from getting to the point where you have to be worrying.

P - But knowing you're even entertaining. There's a lot of guilt there.

B - I hope and wish everyday. Just because you're taking the carriage for a test drive doesn't mean you need to start looking for horses, as my daddy always says. The truth is it feels good to just talk about it. It feels good, to me at least, that somebody is actually talking about me in that context.

P - I don't if there's another person I'd be able to talk like that about, Breanne.

B - Awwww. It also makes me feel good that it's you doing the talking and not me. I think it's better that you initiate it. It's nice to know that it's not all one-sided.

P - Like you said, I wouldn't be talking to you if at least one part of me didn't believe it could happen.

B - Sooner rather than later, I hope.

P - Just give it time. If you really believe it's inevitable, then it shouldn't matter when.

B - But it matters to me and it should matter to you. I think when you feel for someone like I do, there shouldn't be any other thought in your head but wanting to be with that person in every way. It feels unnatural not to want that.

P - I suppose.

B - It's not like it would take much doing.

P - No, I'm not going to entertain this at all.

B - It's a simple question.

P - With a not so simple answer.

B - It's just one word, one way or the other, sugar.

P - One word that can lead to years of trouble.

B - Do you love me?

P - You know the answer.

B - But do you? I think if you know the answer then everything else falls into place. Hell's bells, it isn't rocket science. You either want to share everything you are with a person or you don't. That you hesitate gives me pause, Patrick.

P - I don't hesitate because I don't know the answer. I stop short because saying the answer aloud gives the word power. It makes it real and I don't want to believe this is real. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to think it can happen and then have it not happen again.

B - It's not a hope. If your answer is yes, then mine will be too. I don't know how to make it any clearer than that.

P - How can you be so sure about me? How can you be so sure about all of it?

B - You share everything or nothing. I don't believe in skipping towards bliss. Like the brothers write, "love should be everything or not at all." The only question you should be asking yourself is do you think I'm worth it.

P - Actually, the only question I have is "do you want me to love you?"

B - I do. From my britches to my brain.

P - Then I do too.

B - Peanuts it is then.

P - Someday. I would like that.

B - Someday soon, darling.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers