Like A Heartbeat, Drives You Mad, In The Stillness Of Remembering What You Had, And What You Lost, And What You Had, And What You Lost

--"Dreams", Fleetwood Mac

For those who know me, I don't get ill very often. I pride myself on being able to carry on, power through most diseases that other people have let stop their entire day because of. Because of that fact and because of the fact I don't too often rely on medicines, syrups, or pills ot cure whatever ails me, I believe I've built quite a resilient immune system that takes more than your average cold to bring down. It bothers me to miss work, miss writing, miss whatever else I had planned for the day to be stuck in bed, feeling miserable. I just hate being sick.

Four main qualities stick out when I think of exactly why I hate being sick. The first is I hate how hot and sticky it makes you. For someone who lives in California I don't have a high tolerance for feeling warm. In fact, I used to get all itchy and even break out in hives when I felt too warm. Even if it's the dead of winter, I will still cling to wearing t-shirts and shorts for as long as possible throughout the year. Being in bed, all sweaty, all warm, just doesn't suit me. It's uncomfortable and it doesn't allow for trouble-free sleep, which is usually my main means of getting over an illness. I hate the fact I have to get up two or three times a day just to shower because I feel so warm. I hate the fact that it can be five a.m. and I'll still be tossing covers off because I'm so hot.

The second reason why I hate being sick is because I sleep way too much. I've often called sleep the enemy. I've just never been one to want more sleep rather than less. Most of the time, there are a half dozen other things I would rather be doing than sleeping the day away. I hate the fact that it takes me away from writing on here, I hate the fact it takes me away from talking to people I always talk to, and I hate the fact it makes me feel even lazier than I already am. I don't know--sleep has never seem all that important to me, which is probably how and why I do get sick when I do. I know I don't sleep enough. Insomnia and I are good friends. But I can't get over the feeling that there's more to life than resting it all away.

That brings me to the third reason why I hate being sick. I hate being sick because it gives you all manner of strange dreams. Not only that, but, because I'm so delirious when I get sick, I often believe that what I'm seeing is real. Nothing is worse than the feeling of having conversations with somebody who isn't actually there. For instance, last night I dreamt that B. came over to take care of me, which is ridiculous because she's in Georgia and because she has never once taken care of me when I've been sick. What induced me to imagine such a ludicrous scene I can only guess at. But there she was, tending to my needs, getting me whatever I wanted, honoring whatever silly request I may have had. And I loved it. It was great. Not only did it feel real, but I was gladdened that it was real. I loved having her over here to take care of me. It felt right, like what a normal friend would do for someone.

I think that's what I hate about dreaming while you're sick. It makes you think of the things that you wanted and wished for while your guard's down. Normally, I would block it out as wishful thinking. I'd wake up in the morning and I'd acknowledge it was all a dream. I could go about my day, thinking it was no big deal. But, when you wake up from a lucid dream while you're not feeling well, it feels wrong. It actually feels like something or someone has been taken away from you. You wake up feeling confused and disoriented. It doesn't matter what you dream about. You could dream about being away on vacation in Hawaii or talking with your long-dead grandmother. When it's while you are sick, you always wake up feeling cheated. And nothing sucks worse than when the thing you dream about is something that you haven't had for awhile... or ever.

I mean--there's a lot of people I've dreamt about taking care of me when I was sick. I once dreamt that Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer took care of me once while I was sick. Yet she made more sense taking care of me than Breanne does. It's like I expect fictional characters to be able to take care of me, but I don't expect that from her. There's something wrong in that logic and I can't quite place my finger on what it is. I suppose it's just that in some areas I have high expectations for her, but in others, like being able to comfort me while I'm ailing, I have absolutely zero expectations for her. Like I said, there's something wrong in that logic.


dreams of loneliness

The fourth reason, and the one I hate most of all, of why I hate being sick is that it only reminds me of how alone I am. Nothing is worse than being alone while you're sick. Nothing.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers