I Know, I Know, It's So, It's So Sy-Sy-Symbolic Of Everything, Everything That's Wrong With Me And You, So Tell Me What I'm Supposed To Do

--"Stuttering", Ben's Brother

kind of continued from Even The Best Fall Down Sometimes, Even The Wrong Words Seem To Rhyme, Out Of The Doubt That Fills My Mind, I Somehow Find, You And I Collide...

I was rifling through some old letters I'm sending back to my friend Jina in New York. They date all the way back to 1993 and run through 1995, and range in length from one-page castoffs to seventy page mini-novels. Back when I was seriously writing letters all the time to people, my correspondence with her was some of the most passionate writing I've ever done. Even before Breanne, Jina still ranks as one of my oldest friends and definitely my most intelligent friend.

What's making me sad is that mixed in with the letters I found a birthday card she sent me for my 18th birthday. It's not so much the choice of card that was thoughtful; it's an ordinary card, funny and short. It's the fact she filled every inch of white space with enough writing to fill probably two pages of paper all in celebration of I guess was an important milestone for me.

Some people you just connect with really fast. I do, at least, because I realized that card was sent only two months after we started writing and calling each other, and only eight months after since she dared say my favorite actress was "boring" on Prodigy. To think if I didn't respond with practically an essay refuting her claims, I would have missed on a special person in my life.

She only sent two more birthday cards.

In 1995, after a huge fight, I burned all the gifts she gave me and all the audio tapes she gave me. Then, quite horribly, I mailed her back the ashes.

It's hitting me again how many more letters I missed out on because I acted rashly. It's hitting me again how many more birthday cards I missed because I acted immaturely. And it's only hitting me again that I missed ten years of her life because in one instant I couldn't control myself.

1995-2005 all gone. It's only because she sought me out in 2005 that we're even talking again. I honestly thought she would never forgive me for that little stunt. If it were me, I wouldn't have let bygones be bygones. That's a fucking shitty thing to do to a person, burn everything they worked so hard to pick out for gifts or mementos.

I was a fucking shitty person back then.


oh it's been ages since we've been really honest

I think that's part of the reason why I try to be so level-headed and non-judgmental when it comes to people in my life now. And I think that's why once I make a connection with someone I don't let anyone or anything dissuade me from trying to maintain that friendship. Life's too short to throw away people who come into your life and really enrich it. That's why if it makes sense to me and it makes sense for that other person, I try to do everything possible to make that friendship last for the rest of my life.

I don't want to ever lose out on another friend because I convinced myself they'll be other better friends. Sometimes you only get one chance to make a lifelong connection.

That's why I don't intend to ever give up on anyone who I think is worth holding onto, worth appreciating, and, hell, worth getting a birthday card or present from me.

I lost Jina, but she unexpectedly, but pleasantly, found me ten years later.

I'm not letting anyone else go without a fight. Anyone.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers