You Melt Your Doubt, And Fall Into Me, I Find Your Mouth And Try To Hold It, You Blame Your Love, You Know It's Harmless, We're Both Wise For Falling

--"Window Bird", Stars


Just a small experiment we're conducting here for the sole purpose of proving (or disproving) it can be done. Part I now. Parts II and III, to follow hopefully shortly.

And now for something we hope we really enjoy...


Part I. He Wants Me Back


M - I don’t care about you? (yawn) You’re the only thing I care about.

B - I’m not questioning your sincerity, just your tact.

M - Sincerely, that’s as tactful as I can put it. I’m too tired to elaborate. Can’t we continue this discussion tomorrow, when I’m prepared to compliment you rotten?

B - As you wish, sugar. Forget I even brought it up. (sleep)

M - (beat) You should try to get some sleep too. It’s going to be awhile till we get back to the hotel.

B - I’m worried it’s not safe for both of us to be sleeping. What if someone comes into the car?

M - You’ll protect me. I trust you.

B - Funny. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? It’s like my daddy says, you don’t have the sow shepherding the stallions.

M - Why? I’m not worried. I have nothing worth stealing anyway.

B - Well, I’d like to hang onto a few things, if you don’t mind.

M - Oh, I mind.

B - Just let a gal have her insecurities, please, thank you. Besides, shouldn’t you be getting to the sleeping already? Isn’t that way you’ve been laying your head in my lap this whole time? Because if you’re not going to rest, then I think it would be best if you just sat up like proper folk do.

M - I thought you didn’t mind?

B - No, I’m happy to let you nap, but, so far, I’ve heard a lot of the yapping and not so much the napping.

M - Is that how it is?

B - That’s exactly how it is.

M - Fine. Nodding off now, Breannie. (sleep)

B - (beat) I would kind of mind if somebody took you.

M - What?

B - I’m saying I don’t want anybody to steal you. That could happen, you know? Somebody steal you.

M - Off the train?

B - Worst things have happened I’ve heard.

M - (pause) Yeah, like somebody stealing you away from me.

B - (pause) Sleep. Now.

M - I’m just saying that I know what it’s like to have someone stolen away from you.

B - Nobody stole nothing. Now shush up and take your nap…

M - You know what I’ve been thinking about?

B - …and yet his mouth never stops moving despite his protests of being tired.

M - I’ve been thinking that we should go look for a place that does Cincinnati spaghetti tomorrow. Don’t you think that would be fun?

B - You want to look for Cincinnati spaghetti? In Chicago?

M - I mean—we’ve done the whole pizza and ribs thing. Think of it as a quest.

B - Your quest.

M - Yeah, so?

B - It doesn’t sound that appealing to me. Besides, we have that whole list of places we wanted to hit, remember?

M - Yeah, but we still have a couple of days. I just don’t want to be stuck doing the whole touristy thing the entire time here.

B - Well, we already kind of junked yesterday by staying in.

M - And whose idea was that?

B - I believe that was you.

M - Incredible. It’s incredible how adept at lying you’ve gotten since I last saw you.

B - Hell’s bells, I wish there was a camera in the room so I could show you whose brilliant idea yesterday was.

M - And that would be yours.

B - I don’t think so.

M - Are you sure you weren’t drinking while I was in the bathroom. It’s hard to believe you’d forget an entire conversation.

B - Believe me, if I’d been drinking you’d have known it.

M - (shakes head) What’s the phrase again?

B - What phrase?

M - Like when you want to agree to disagree. How do you say it again?

B - Let’s cut the cat; you get heads, I get tails.

M - (laugh) Something like that.

B - “Was I drinking?”

M - (laugh) Good night again.

B - (pause) “No, I am not drunk. It’s me, Breanne.”

M - “Yes, but by the tone of your voice, I’d say you’re drunk.”

B - “I’m not drunk. It’s me, Breanne, Eeyore.”

M - I still can’t believe you did that. What was that? Four times in one night? I think that was some kind of record for drunk dialing.

B - Four times in one hour. And it wasn’t even that I didn’t remember calling you. I kept coming up with things I had to tell you immediately.

M - Like how the bartender was out to destroy you.

B - That’s handy information to pass along. What if she had destroyed me? You could steer the police in the right direction, you know?

M - Or how the drinks better when you held them if your left hand.

B - Come back to me when you conduct a thorough taste test and tell me it ain’t true.

M - Or what about your confession about how you loved me so much.

B - Yeah, well, you know. It was important that you knew that.

M - But…

B - But you already knew that.

M - For some time now. (sleep)


into the past, I try to sort it

B - (beat) At least I don’t lie in the street when I’m drunk.

M - Just other people’s yards, right?

B - Pigpens and palaces. Pigpens and palaces. The worst that could happen to me is the owner wake up and shoo me off. It’s not like somebody would decide to run me over in the yard.

M - I was only asleep for five minutes at the most. There were no cars anywhere.

B - I worry about you sometimes, Mr. Patrick.

M - Well, I think you should worry more. I kind of like it when you worry more about me.

B - Who am I, your mother?

M - Of course not. You’re my little sis, remember?

B - That you’ve always had a crush on.

M - Always and forever.

B - And who’s always had a crush on you too.

M - Always and forever. (sleep)

B - (beat) I think I’m starting to knock down too.

M - Knock down?

B - I can’t knock out because we both can’t lay down.

M - True.

B - So I can only half knock out, hence, the knock down.

M - Makes sense.

B - I think this is the longest I’ve gone without sleeping next to Greg.

M - Well, I had first dibs so he can have your lap back when I’m done.

B - Excuse me?

M - Do you ever thinkg about how this may be the last time I get to hold your hand or anything? The last time I get to just fall asleep with you or go out to dinner even?

B - Not especially. I have faith I’ll see you again.

M - I don’t.

B - Awww.

M - That’s why I’m invoking my right of first dibs. I saw you first. I’ve known you longer. I don’t have to let you go until I’m good and ready.

B - You sorta have to let me go when the plane is good and ready.

M - No, no, no. It’s kind of like eminent domain. Greg can have you for awhile, but I retain the right to take you back if it serves my best interests without warning, without compensation, and certainly without remorse.

B - So your argument is, since you had first claim to me, that my husband is only a title holder in name only. In essence, you “own” me in perpetuity.

M - In essence. Emminent domain, remember?

B - Yeah, I think I liked it better when you were asleep, sugar.

M - You disagree?

B - Hell’s bells, I disagree. You don’t own me. Nobody owns me. Nor are you the boss of me. I come and go as I please.

M - And, oh, how you please when you…

B - If you know what’s good for you, you won’t finish that sentence. (sleep)

M - (beat) “I’m not drunk, I’m Breanne.”

B - Can I tell you something?

M - Shoot.

B - I was only drunk because I wanted to make up with you.

M - And you needed to drink to do that.

B - Well, it had been awhile. I didn’t exactly know if I’d have the courage to do it straight up.

M - Oh.

B - I know that it’s true that I shouldn’t have called you so late, but…

M - But you got tired of the silence, right?

B - I think it was more a case of getting tired of all the noise that didn’t mean anything. I wanted to hear something that meant something.

M - Were you even that drunk or were you just faking?

B - I was.

M - Which?

B - Exactly. (laugh) Like my daddy says, sometimes a wolf can catch more sheep by dressing up as a sheepdog.

M - (pause) Ceiling fans. That’s what this train needs, some big ‘ole ceiling fans.

B - Why? Are you hot?

M - No, I just like being a little colder when I’m trying to sleep.

B - Is that why our room is forming glaciers as we speak.

M - As long as the air conditioning is not on my dime.

B - Incorrigible.

M - Plus, it gives me an excuse to stay under the covers that isn’t so saccharine as wanting to cuddle.

B - As if you can hide that.

M - But I think ceiling fans would be nice on a train. You know where else they’d be nice in?

B - Where?

M - Cars. I always thought it would be cool if cars had ceiling fans.

B - I can only imagine. I’m surprised no one has tried to invent that sooner.

M - I know. It could be the next silent velcro.

B - I bet you could make your first million off of that.

M - Imagine that. I could finally get the K-car I’ve had my eye on, maybe buy some Art.

B - Garfunkel, that is?

M - Exactly.

B - You could get anything I wanted.

M - It certainly would make it easier to come see you.

B - Certainly would.

M - The question is how often you’d want me to come see you.

B - That is the question. It’s not often I like to be seen, you know? I’m right up there with Soze. Never expose myself too much, that’s my motto.

M - Says the girl who perfected the art of mooning.

B - Hey, I don’t make fun of your life’s goals. Do me the same courtesy… and I think it might be nice to see each other more often. I’ve always wanted that.

M - Quite the pickle, these lives of ours.

B - I don’t know. Right now isn’t looking so bad.

M - You should try see it from my angle. (sleep)

B - (beat) Do your feet still hurt?

M - A little.

B - That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. You need to take up running. Then you’d have more energy for when you decide it would be best to walk everywhere when, you know, we’re supposed to be on vacation.

M - I just never saw the fun in it.

B - Are you joshing me? It’s a hoot-and-a-half.

M - Hmmm. Maybe we’ll try jogging in one of the parks for a bit. I’m sure there’s a thousand places to do that here.

B - You swear?

M - I swear. I mean—if you really want me to try it out, I might as well do it while you’re here. I just know if I try taking it up on my own it won’t stick.

B - I never thought I’d see the day.

M - I’m not committing to any marathons or anything. I said we can go jogging for awhile to get my feet wet, not that I’m going to instantly fall in love with it.

B - You won’t be sorry. I love running.

M - Well, you’re just the kind of person, Breanne. It doesn’t take you long to decide on something. Some of us take a bit longer.

B - Too long sometimes.

M - Yeah, there’s that.

B - (pause) It’s okay. Most of the time you come around. You’ve always got to be the last cow in the pasture in the all.

M - “I play a cow, but then I get a disease and die…” (sleep)
(beat) I have to tell you something too.

B - What’s that?

M - I almost didn’t pick up the phone when I saw it was you calling.

B - That’s understandable.

M - Which is stupid because 90% of me wanted me to call you two weeks, hell, a month earlier. I just never did.

B - I probably wouldn’t have picked up if you had. Everything has a time and a place, you know? I think we were meant to make up that night in that way and there’s no use in fighting it.

M - There’s no fighting fate.

B - We’ll always be friends.

M - Except for the times we’re more.

B - And the brief times we’re less. In the end, though, we always have that to rely on.

M - (pause) You have a cute mouth. Did anyone ever tell you that? (sleep)

B - (beat)I think we’re almost back to the O’Hare station. You need to get up.

M - Funny. It feels like I’ve been sleeping this entire way, but I got—what—maybe ten minutes of sleep altogether?

B - Blame the funny guy who kept trying to talk when he was supposedly trying to sleep.

M - Damn that guy!

B - It’s almost time to say good-bye to our little ‘ole train. Aren’t you sad? Don’t you just want to cry.

M - “I’ve got to go, but it’s important that I love you.”

B - “And it’s important that you’re not drunk, right?”

M - “I’m Breanne and this is farewell, you know?”

B - It’s depressing you remember all that.

M - I always remember important moments. It’s not often that I make up with someone after that big of a fight.

B - (pause) Now when we get back, we’re going straight to sleep, right? I want you well-rested if we really are going to jog tomorrow morning.

M - Whoa, whoa, whoa. I never said anything about jogging in the morning.

B - You’d rather be the guy crying on the edge of the road?

M - I’d rather not do it all.

B - I didn’t make a promise to you. You made a promise to me, remember, Eeyore?

M - Everybody makes promises. “But nobody minds. Nobody cares. Pathetic, that's what it is."

B - I would think so much less of you if you started breaking promises now… and you don’t have that much further you can slide, you know?

M - You just want to do me in and make it look like I died of exhaustion. I know your wicked ways. I’m onto you, Breannie. You don’t care about me at all, do you?

B - (train stops) I don’t care about you? (yawn) Sugar, you’re the only thing I care about.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers