The Storm Is Breaking, Or So It Seem, We're Too Young To Reason, Too Grown Up To Dream, Now Spring Is Turning, Your Face To Mine
--"Slave to Love", Bryan Ferry
I didn't wake up till four yesterday. The day before I had spent in the service of my gaming obsession so I hadn't been able to get home till two in the morning Sunday and I wasn't able to sleep till five or so. Understandably, going out to spend another day amidst the world outside wasn't big on my plans for the afternoon or evening. Even at four, when I did wake, I wasn't in too much of a hurry to get anything productive done. My plans basically consisted of watching the evening football game, checking on a my fantasy teams, maybe get a little reading done, and then work on this very post. The scope of my imagination for what was going to get done yesterday was very limited, indeed.
When Illessa called, saying that it was her last day in town visiting her father and brother, I almost didn't pick up on general principle. There are still a lot of sore spots between me and her. Also, I've never been one to relish coming back to a friendship after an awkward period of silence has intervened. It just isn't kosher to go back to the notion that everything is honky-dory between me and the other party when both of us know it, in fact, isn't. I'm much more inclined to get everything settled at the point of division than months after the fact. That's how Little Miss Chipper and I have managed to stay intact for so long; tending to our weeds as they grow. Ilessa and I, on the other hand, have always had a more contentious relationship with one another. There are days and weeks (and I suppose months now) where I can't stand to think of her. That was my frame of reference when I saw it was she who was calling me at a quarter past four yesterday. My thoughts turned to words like, "what the fuck does she want?" or "I'm not even going to bother to answer." I was tired. I wanted my day off. I thought I really wanted things to be over between me and her.
And yet.
I answered the phone more out of curiosity than anything else. Part of me was inquisitive as to whether she would apologize or follow my example and launch into what she had to say without so much as a by-your-leave. Her opening tended more to the latter model rather than the former. It was the same routine set-up. She was bored. She didn't like being around her family. Could I come get her and maybe do something? Well, the first thing I told her was that she had access to a car; she could drive her ass down to see me if she was so adamant about catching up. True, I might have announced that with more venom than was necessary, but as far as I was concerned at the time, the more reasons I had to dissuade her from seeing me, the better. I wanted it to be plain as day that I still had my reservations about her; I wanted her to be the one to say that it wasn't a good idea for us to meet up. That way I couldn't be blamed for not giving any effort to repair the damage that had been done. Somewhat to my surprise, she agreed that it made more sense for her to drive out her. I cycled through my mind to find another reason why I couldn't see her, but found nothing.
I was stuck. Well, I wasn't really stuck, but I hadn't been as vehemently opposed to the idea as I thought I was. More exactly, the weariness of the situation and the lack of fuel to continue the rancor towards combined to leave me ill-prepared to rebuke her with any vigor. I simply had reached the point where it was exhausting to go on being angry with her, especially when the last time I had let her know how much I disapproved of what she had done had been two or three months ago.
She arrived at my place at close to half past five. Again, part of me wanted to not pick up the phone when she called to announce she was waiting patiently outside. Part of me wanted to leave her high and dry, and be pretty much a dick to her like she's been to me for all this time. Yet when she did make that call I picked it up without hesitation. In my head I had already agreed to give this reconciliation a fair shot. A bigger part of me wanted to have that part of my life back that went away when she did. I got into her car with a genuine smile on my face, albeit a small one. As soon as I saw her small, but lovely, face I knew I had missed her more than I had let myself admit. It's one thing to hate a person when you don't have to see them for a good, long spell, but when you're with them up close and personal, it's almost entirely impossible to hold a grudge that, for the most part, is unwarranted. I'm much better at being priggish when I can keep the offending parties at an arm's length from me. When I see them in person I tend to bury the hatchets as well as any other sharp implements.
We saw Four Christmases, which was rather disappointing.
Then we headed out to The Kettle just like old times, which wasn't disappointing in comparison.
Then we parked up at Chavez Ravine, at Dodger Stadium, like we had done dozens in times in the last three years. With certain people I have a place where I can be more open with them. I used to have the greatest talks with Jennifer at Huntington Beach. In fact, I can't pass by there without remembering most, if not all, of our discussions we had while the sand was creeping up my butt or the wind pushing me in the face. With Miss Nancy Drew we've always saved our dearest chats for the home of the worst team in baseball (LOL). I don't know--perhaps it's the emptiness of the place after eleven at night. Or perhaps it's the idea that we're in a place that gets so full in the daytime. Personally, I think we've always gravitated to that particular spot because it's the place she took me when we went out on our first "outing". Old habits die hard and for some reason or another that's the place we both think of as being "our" place whenever we see each other. Whatever the reason, that's where we ended up.
As conversations go, it wasn't our best. There still was a lingering air of animosity that pervaded the inside of her car. My words didn't come as fast or as freely as they once did with her. We didn't discuss in any great detail the facts of the wall that existed; we merely pretended that the wall wasn't there. We mostly talked about the genial small talk stuff that I normally hate. Yet it wasn't entirely unpleasant or awkward. Frankly, I was amazed that there were words at all. I'm always surprised when I tell myself that I'm going to be a certain way or act a certain way, and it ends up being the polar opposite of what I actually end up doing or saying. A wise man once said, "maturity is having the experience to decide what you want to do and the foolishness to do the opposite when you actually have to make a choice." It's a poor life that's spent doing exactly as you planned beforehand.
What's more it's a poor life when you can snap to a decision about a person. People, if they're worth anything, are not light switches; they don't come either up or down. They can be flipped from one extreme to the other. Illessa is the most polarizing person I know. She has driven me and drives me to hate her all the time, but for some reason I still haven't given up on her. I easily could. I thought I was this last time. Yet every time I deign to see her she puts out something that makes me believe there's something worth redeeming in her. Every time I talk to her I hear something that makes me think she adds something valuable to my life that nobody else can give me in quite the same way. Every time I look at her I see something worth admiring. It may be hidden for awhile amidst the small annoyances that comprise her demeanor, her personality, but the nuances are there.
We ended up talking less than forty minutes before she told me she had to get going. Her flight was Monday morning and she wanted to make sure she didn't stay out all night with me and miss it. I told her that it was a shame she had to go so soon. She shrugged her head, told me shit happens, and then started the car. I don't know if I could have talked to her all night like we used to; her time in Philly has served to make her less robust regarding the world at large. Truth be told, I think it's suffocating the fire she once had about kicking life in the rear. She's still the same girl I met a few years back. Only this time she's been in the so-called "real" world for half of a year now--living on her own and, as she said before, slowly dying on her own. I almost want to tell her that it was a mistake to leave. I didn't tell her that, of course. I don't want to be the one who makes her into a quitter.
I know what it's like to quit on something that has chance to be good.
Illessa and I are never going to have the relationship that Breanne and I share. It's never going to be like that. For sure she's going to piss me off, irk me, or otherwise annoy the hell out of me. But it doesn't have to all be roses and light with every friend I have. I'm old enough to know that the dream of finding the perfect friend is an all but impossible one. I know what I'm looking for in the people I surround myself with now. It's not based on anything unreachable or quixotic; I want what everyone wants. Basically, I want somebody who I'm happy to see or hear from most of the time and someone who is happy see or her from me most of the time.
Like it or not, ready or not, for now Miss Nancy Drew fits the bill.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
I didn't wake up till four yesterday. The day before I had spent in the service of my gaming obsession so I hadn't been able to get home till two in the morning Sunday and I wasn't able to sleep till five or so. Understandably, going out to spend another day amidst the world outside wasn't big on my plans for the afternoon or evening. Even at four, when I did wake, I wasn't in too much of a hurry to get anything productive done. My plans basically consisted of watching the evening football game, checking on a my fantasy teams, maybe get a little reading done, and then work on this very post. The scope of my imagination for what was going to get done yesterday was very limited, indeed.When Illessa called, saying that it was her last day in town visiting her father and brother, I almost didn't pick up on general principle. There are still a lot of sore spots between me and her. Also, I've never been one to relish coming back to a friendship after an awkward period of silence has intervened. It just isn't kosher to go back to the notion that everything is honky-dory between me and the other party when both of us know it, in fact, isn't. I'm much more inclined to get everything settled at the point of division than months after the fact. That's how Little Miss Chipper and I have managed to stay intact for so long; tending to our weeds as they grow. Ilessa and I, on the other hand, have always had a more contentious relationship with one another. There are days and weeks (and I suppose months now) where I can't stand to think of her. That was my frame of reference when I saw it was she who was calling me at a quarter past four yesterday. My thoughts turned to words like, "what the fuck does she want?" or "I'm not even going to bother to answer." I was tired. I wanted my day off. I thought I really wanted things to be over between me and her.
And yet.
I answered the phone more out of curiosity than anything else. Part of me was inquisitive as to whether she would apologize or follow my example and launch into what she had to say without so much as a by-your-leave. Her opening tended more to the latter model rather than the former. It was the same routine set-up. She was bored. She didn't like being around her family. Could I come get her and maybe do something? Well, the first thing I told her was that she had access to a car; she could drive her ass down to see me if she was so adamant about catching up. True, I might have announced that with more venom than was necessary, but as far as I was concerned at the time, the more reasons I had to dissuade her from seeing me, the better. I wanted it to be plain as day that I still had my reservations about her; I wanted her to be the one to say that it wasn't a good idea for us to meet up. That way I couldn't be blamed for not giving any effort to repair the damage that had been done. Somewhat to my surprise, she agreed that it made more sense for her to drive out her. I cycled through my mind to find another reason why I couldn't see her, but found nothing.
I was stuck. Well, I wasn't really stuck, but I hadn't been as vehemently opposed to the idea as I thought I was. More exactly, the weariness of the situation and the lack of fuel to continue the rancor towards combined to leave me ill-prepared to rebuke her with any vigor. I simply had reached the point where it was exhausting to go on being angry with her, especially when the last time I had let her know how much I disapproved of what she had done had been two or three months ago.
She arrived at my place at close to half past five. Again, part of me wanted to not pick up the phone when she called to announce she was waiting patiently outside. Part of me wanted to leave her high and dry, and be pretty much a dick to her like she's been to me for all this time. Yet when she did make that call I picked it up without hesitation. In my head I had already agreed to give this reconciliation a fair shot. A bigger part of me wanted to have that part of my life back that went away when she did. I got into her car with a genuine smile on my face, albeit a small one. As soon as I saw her small, but lovely, face I knew I had missed her more than I had let myself admit. It's one thing to hate a person when you don't have to see them for a good, long spell, but when you're with them up close and personal, it's almost entirely impossible to hold a grudge that, for the most part, is unwarranted. I'm much better at being priggish when I can keep the offending parties at an arm's length from me. When I see them in person I tend to bury the hatchets as well as any other sharp implements.
We saw Four Christmases, which was rather disappointing.
Then we headed out to The Kettle just like old times, which wasn't disappointing in comparison.
Then we parked up at Chavez Ravine, at Dodger Stadium, like we had done dozens in times in the last three years. With certain people I have a place where I can be more open with them. I used to have the greatest talks with Jennifer at Huntington Beach. In fact, I can't pass by there without remembering most, if not all, of our discussions we had while the sand was creeping up my butt or the wind pushing me in the face. With Miss Nancy Drew we've always saved our dearest chats for the home of the worst team in baseball (LOL). I don't know--perhaps it's the emptiness of the place after eleven at night. Or perhaps it's the idea that we're in a place that gets so full in the daytime. Personally, I think we've always gravitated to that particular spot because it's the place she took me when we went out on our first "outing". Old habits die hard and for some reason or another that's the place we both think of as being "our" place whenever we see each other. Whatever the reason, that's where we ended up.
As conversations go, it wasn't our best. There still was a lingering air of animosity that pervaded the inside of her car. My words didn't come as fast or as freely as they once did with her. We didn't discuss in any great detail the facts of the wall that existed; we merely pretended that the wall wasn't there. We mostly talked about the genial small talk stuff that I normally hate. Yet it wasn't entirely unpleasant or awkward. Frankly, I was amazed that there were words at all. I'm always surprised when I tell myself that I'm going to be a certain way or act a certain way, and it ends up being the polar opposite of what I actually end up doing or saying. A wise man once said, "maturity is having the experience to decide what you want to do and the foolishness to do the opposite when you actually have to make a choice." It's a poor life that's spent doing exactly as you planned beforehand.
What's more it's a poor life when you can snap to a decision about a person. People, if they're worth anything, are not light switches; they don't come either up or down. They can be flipped from one extreme to the other. Illessa is the most polarizing person I know. She has driven me and drives me to hate her all the time, but for some reason I still haven't given up on her. I easily could. I thought I was this last time. Yet every time I deign to see her she puts out something that makes me believe there's something worth redeeming in her. Every time I talk to her I hear something that makes me think she adds something valuable to my life that nobody else can give me in quite the same way. Every time I look at her I see something worth admiring. It may be hidden for awhile amidst the small annoyances that comprise her demeanor, her personality, but the nuances are there.
We ended up talking less than forty minutes before she told me she had to get going. Her flight was Monday morning and she wanted to make sure she didn't stay out all night with me and miss it. I told her that it was a shame she had to go so soon. She shrugged her head, told me shit happens, and then started the car. I don't know if I could have talked to her all night like we used to; her time in Philly has served to make her less robust regarding the world at large. Truth be told, I think it's suffocating the fire she once had about kicking life in the rear. She's still the same girl I met a few years back. Only this time she's been in the so-called "real" world for half of a year now--living on her own and, as she said before, slowly dying on her own. I almost want to tell her that it was a mistake to leave. I didn't tell her that, of course. I don't want to be the one who makes her into a quitter.
I know what it's like to quit on something that has chance to be good.
Illessa and I are never going to have the relationship that Breanne and I share. It's never going to be like that. For sure she's going to piss me off, irk me, or otherwise annoy the hell out of me. But it doesn't have to all be roses and light with every friend I have. I'm old enough to know that the dream of finding the perfect friend is an all but impossible one. I know what I'm looking for in the people I surround myself with now. It's not based on anything unreachable or quixotic; I want what everyone wants. Basically, I want somebody who I'm happy to see or hear from most of the time and someone who is happy see or her from me most of the time.
Like it or not, ready or not, for now Miss Nancy Drew fits the bill.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Labels: Bryan Ferry, endurance, Forgiveness, Ilessa, Reality
posted by mojo shivers @ 7:54 PM
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