This Is Perfect For Me, So They Say, I Guess He's Pretty Okay, After Years Of Stormy Sailing, Have I Finally Found A Bay?

--"Perfect Story (So They Say)", Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Recently I was asked why I so often choose to portray the slight, quick-to-anger, easily frustrated side of my personality so often. I've been told that the prerogative is mine to do with as I wish and that I should take the opportunity to put my best foot forward with only the occasional lapse into self-incrimination. To that I responded that that's what real life is for, to make a good example of yourself, to try hard to make a good impression. Here on what feels like my domain, I'd rather show myself as somebody not worth knowing if you don't already know me. I'm not trying to win friends. I'm not trying to impress anyone. The only goal of this blog is to write whatever the fuck it is I'm feeling at the moment. Quite frankly, I'm don't stay in a good mood for most of my day, especially when I'm by myself.

When I'm with people I trust I can more easily joke around and more easily be the corny joketelling self that some people know me as, but I'm hardly ever that guy when I'm trying to write something. The truth is that I more easily fall into a dour, contemplative persona than any other persona. It's what I write best. It's what I know best.

I've lived too long to believe that any one person can stay happy throughout the entire life. I have peaks and valleys just like everyone else. When I peak, I let you know. When I bottom out, I let you know. I think what throws people off is that I tend to bottom out and peak rather quickly in any given time period and it's not always known why or when these changes happen. As I was explaining to someone the other day sometimes I'm think four weeks ahead to something I may be dreading, or perhaps I'm recoiling in horror at something I did over two decades ago, but all you see or hear is how I'm reacting to the situation in the present. All you know is what you can see around you, while I may be actively reliving a horrifying experience that may have nothing to do at all with what I'm doing at the moment. I have one eye gazing to the future and one eye looking behind me for a lot of my day. It's how I'm built. I can't devote 100% attention on anything I'm doing now because most of the time what I'm doing just isn't that interesting to me. It's impossible to stay focused like that for the majority of my day. Most of the time I'd rather devote a good portion of my attention to something else, something I might be working on for the future or something I might be wishing I had done differently before.

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The story I always tell to illustrate this is the fact that when I was giving my eulogy for Jennifer the way I kept my composure was to concentrate less on the words and more on remember who all the people at the gathering were. After all, I'd already practiced what I was going to say. When it came time for it I was more intensely engrossed in the battle of wits I was playing with myself to remember who everyone was. That was the interesting part of my day that day, that was the only thing that was keeping me from wrapping my thoughts around exactly where I was and exactly what I was doing.

I don't tell people that because they'd rather believe the illusion of how so caught up in the moment I was. I don't tell people that because they always get the wrong impression when I say that I'm not fulling concentrating on anything I do. People would rather believe that when I speak or do something I do it with a focus that speaks to my intelligence and/or dedication. They'd rather see my natural ability to listen and respond to people as being a byproduct of caring heart. Actually, while I do care and while I do want to listen, most of the time I'm trying to give advice or do something nice it's because I've heard the situation in some form or another before. If it seems like I want to help, it's because I like fixing problems on an intellectual level just as much as I like fixing problems on a altruistic. Solving peoples' problems is just as important to me as finding the solution to peoples' problems.

That's why I revel in the past.

That's why I seek guidance for my future.

It's not because I like giving good advice or because I like helping people per se. It's partly because I see the world in problems and solutions. When all you do is talk to me is about is giving me answers to something I want to solve on my own (which is almost everything), it bores me to tears. When all you do is talk to me about problems that are so inane and stupid that you should be able to solve them on your own through common sense, it truly annoys me. However, if you give me something I haven't heard before or you spin me a story that I can utilize a great solution I discovered before those are the kind of problems I love to hear about. Those are the kind of problems I love to mull over in my over-analytical brain.

To my friends I'm not the answer to their prayers and I'm not known as someone who's going to pretend to care about something just to soothe your feelings. I like helping people because I can't resist solving a decent problem before somebody else. To me, the satisfaction of helping someone isn't found in the gratitude; the gratitude is just the sign I solved the problem successfully. To me the satisfaction is finding the solution when no one else could.

That brings me back to my original point. The reason why I write about the stubborn bastard I can be here is because that's a problem I can see in myself. I'd rather get that out there so I can set about fixing that. If I chose to write all the time about how I had the perfect day or how well-rounded and mature I've become, well, there's nothing to fix there.

There's no chase.

There's no deliberating.

There's only irrefutable fact.

I'm a person that needs to be figuring out something at all times--about myself, about other people, about life itself. It's why I play strategic Euro boardgames, it's why I watch complicated films, it's why I choose intelligent and multi-faceted people for friends. I want things to be imperfect so there's something to chew on. I want to see myself as flawed and even out-and-out wrong in situations just so I can see where I went wrong. I want to see my days as less than perfect days.

Perfect days are boring because once they're done you're left with nothing to remember. Perfect people are boring because of the fact they never make mistakes.

I'd rather have neither. I'd rather write about those imperfect days and about how I royally screwed myself over. It's more fun and it's more keeping in with the spirit of this blog.

California is a recipe for a black hole and I'd rather be right in the thick of the vortex, thank you very much.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers