And If You Look, You Look Through Me, And When You Talk, You Talk At Me, And When I Touch You, You Don't Feel A Thing

--"Stay (Faraway, So Close!)", U2

I took my friend Jeff out for his birthday dinner tonight. Unlike most people I go eat with, we've never had one of those understandings where he'll pick up one check and I'll pick up the next. It's always been a situation where everyone pays for their own items to avoid any misunderstandings. The only exception is when one of our birthdays rolls around. That's the one time where it's okay I take him out and on mine, when it's okay for him to pay for the meal. I guess you could say it's one of our unspoken rules.

Another unspoken rule, which I assumed most people adhered to, was the idea that conversations are miniature exercises in diplomacy. Speaking with Jeff tonight--about baseball, about different restaurants, about the sorry state of affairs at our respective workplaces--I was reminded how nice it is to speak to someone in person who knows how to hold a conversation. With the obvious exception of the usual SFoM gang, I hadn't really noticed I've been holding court with a lot of individuals who don't have the slightest inkling how to have a proper discussion. I know I have a lot foibles and that I like certain criteria in my life "just so" but it took speaking to someone who I've managed to get along with for the last three years to see how some people in my life just don't know how to talk.

I don't know why I feel the need to explain this but it's gotten to the point where it's almost a pet peeve with me. There are certain folk who I have the misfortune to be compelled to stay in contact with who don't perceive the natural dynamic of a conversational relationship. I'll start a topic, after hearing him drone on about something he wanted to talk about for ten or fifteen minutes, and rather than get even a half-hearted attempt at responding in kind, he'll inevitably proceed to return back to the original conversation. Worse yet, this individual has the mind-numbing habit of becoming defensive whenever I mention any one of my favorites--be it a piece of entertainment, a restaurant, or even something as simple as my taste in women. Yes, there's a certain latitude to jump in with your opinion on most subjects, but, goddamn it all, there's also a subtle art to realizing when you're talking too much about what you like and what you're doing, and not giving the other person the benefit of your ear.

Sometimes I can drone about a few, select subjects, but i've also had many a conversation with experienced and mature citizens of the world to know when they're dying to switch the subject. There's an ebb and flow to natural conversation that comes easily if one is paying attention to the signs. Speaking to someone is a subtle blend of both keeping them actively engaged by what you say and keeping them actively satisfied by showing them careful consideration in your listening habits. People who dominate conversations, as this aforementioned person tends to do, either is immature to not understand that sometimes silence is encouraged in conversations or is entirely disrespectful by displaying time and time again he has no patience for discourse that does not revolve around him.

All it took was one conversation with my friend Jeff to see the positive aspects of one avenue of approaching a conversation and the negative aspect of the other avenue.

Case in point, we managed to fill three hours with lively discussion during dinner.

Whereas with the guy who's beginning to fray my last nerve, I sometimes have to excuse myself because the one-sidedness to the conversation just becomes entirely overwhelming. Everyone from Breanne to DeAnn to old high school friends have told me that I have decent listening skills. However, I think even the best listener comes to a point when he realizes that his companion is only intent upon talking and never listening to him. It's at that point that the listener begins to question to himself whether or not he's necessary to the conversation.

I don't know--I guess I'm ranting, but it's a slow suffering after talking to great speakers AND listeners like Miss Lucy and Miss Epcot to have to be subjected routinely to someone who seems either not to be listening or not to be caring about anything I say. Again, I could be overreacting, but I don't think so. Tonight proves that I have yet to lose my skills at fulfilling my obligations of both paying and receiving attention with someone who knows how to talk like adults.

As I said to dozens of people over the years, I don't like being talked at. In most cases if you can't find a way to talk with me instead of at me, then you're probably not long for my continued company. There are far too many people in the world that I like talking to, to ever willingly sacrifice any of my precious time to someone I absolutely abhor talking to.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers