You Are My Sweetest Downfall, I Loved You First, I Loved You First, Beneath The Sheets Of Paper Lies My Truth, I Have To Go, I Have To Go

--"Samson", Regina Spektor

...and now for something completely different.

I LOVED YOU FIRST
a play by E. Patrick Taroc

Setting:
A beach in the dead of night

Dramatis Personae:
Sally, a woman in her twenties
Chris, a man in his twenties

Sally – Can we stop here? It's really hurting now, Chris.

Chris – Yeah, sure. Here's a good spot anyhow.

Sally – Yeah, yeah. Here. (she plops down on the sand with him soon following her) It's throbbing now. Great, it's throbbing. Can you take a look?

Chris – (laughing) Leave it to you to stub your toe at the beach. Not only that, but stub it with enough oomph to have it bleed. Let me take a look.

Sally – No, you're making fun of me. Now I don't want you to look.

Chris – Come on, you big baby. Let me just see it (he lifts up her foot to examine it). Well, there's just not enough light here to see anything.

Sally – (yanking her foot away) Then give it back. You hurtiting it.

Chris – Oh god, not that again.

Sally – (laughs, punctuated with small sighs of pain) (beat) I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't think I walk back to the hotel like this.

Chris – We can rest here for awhile.

Sally – I don't think that's going to help.

Chris – I could strand you out here. I'm good to go back to the hotel any time I want, I don't know about you.

Sally – Again, not helping.

Chris – Sorry. I'm serious, rest it awhile. We don't have to go back any time soon. We'll see how it feels and then if it's still bad I'll think of something.

Sally – If that's what you think is best, but I highly doubt anything is going to change no matter how much time we give it.

Chris – We'll just have to see, now won't we? Now silence up and let the night soak into you.

Sally – (beat) Do you remember the last time we were on this beach?

Chris – Four, five years ago?

Sally – Four, five years ago.

Chris – Has it been that long? We used to go all the time. Remember that?

Sally – Yeah.

Chris – Then we stopped.

Sally- Yeah.

Chris – Well, actually, you stopped.

Sally – (deep breath) Now? Really? Now? With my hurt toe and everything.

Chris – I'm just saying.

Sally – (beat) I remember when the water used to come up to where we're sitting now. I would warn you that it's coming in too high, too quickly. But you never listened to me.

Chris – I listened. I didn't care that much.

Sally – You used to threaten to throw me in.

Chris – Into the cold, treacherous waters.

Sally – You were mean to me. I remember that too. Now I remember why I stopped going.

Chris – It was never that cold. Or that treacherous.

Sally – The fact I was comfortable should have been enough for you.

Chris – But I never listen, right?

Sally – No, you never do.

Chris – It was water. It was water that would've gone up to your knees, Sally.

Sally – I was uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable and you didn't care.

Chris – I cared. I just wanted to open you up a little.

Sally – Whatever.

Chris – I'm sorry (kisses her). Better?

Sally – Not really. I guess. No.

Chris – I'm really sorry I threatened to throw you in the big, bad ocean, Sally. You're right, it was mean of me. I apologize.

Sally – You don't mean that.

Chris – Oh, but I do. Tell me what I can do to make it up to you.

Sally – Fix my fucking toe.

Chris – Oh, would that I could.

Sally – Could that you would...

Chris – I'd fix a hundred toes for you if I had the power, Sally. You know that.

Sally – And I'd give you a hundred toes to fix. (Kisses him) And a hundred more.

Chris – Bring it.

Sally – You'd like that, wouldn't you? Evil.

Chris – I like doing stuff for you. It's not that hard. You're easy to please.

Sally – Is that right?

Chris – Yeah, I just do everything you tell me to do. Simple as that. (Laughs)

Sally – Now it's my turn to wish for a hundred more guys like you. What I could so with an army like that.

Chris – Everything.

Sally – Yeah, yeah—everything sounds like exactly what I want.

Chris – Always have.

Sally – Always will.

Chris – Ever since we were kids, enough was never enough for you.

Sally – Because it isn't.

Chris – You used to drive mom and dad crazy. They'd think they were doing something nice for you and you'd shoot them down time and time again. You were a real brat when you were a kid, Sally. You know that?

Sally – I know.

Chris – And you've grown up to be a real bitch too. (laughs)

Sally – I don't know about that.

Chris – I do. I mean—who comes out to a place like this—with a guy—the month before they're supposed to get married to somebody else?

Sally – For all everyone knows I'm on vacation with my brother. That's all this is.

Chris – To them. Not to you. Not to me.

Sally – (beat) I am a bitch.

Chris – You are. (sigh) But you can't help it. It's just who you are.

Sally – You always know the best way to cheer me up, Chris.

Chris – That's what brothers are for. (laughs) Look, all I'm saying is that we all were a little too loose with you—mom, dad, and me. We all coddled, gave you what you wanted. When it came time to say no to you, none of us had the heart to say no to you.

Sally – Is that what it was like?

Chris – That's what it was like.

Sally – I was that bad?

Chris – Bad isn't the word. You were you. You are you. It's too late for you to change now.

Sally – You think that low of me?

Chris – Not at all. I wouldn't be here if I did. There's just few people who know the real you, Sally, who know the real you and like the real you. Just remember that.

Sally – What does that mean?

Chris – Nothing.

Sally – No, I want to know. You're trying to say something specific and I want to know what it is.

Chris – It's nothing.

Sally – Then I think it's time we go back to the hotel room then... if you're not up to talking anymore.

Chris – That's how it is?

Sally – That's how it is.

Chris – Fine. I'm just trying to say I don't think Louis knows what he needs to know about you. I don't think he's seen all of you.

Sally – He knows enough. He knows enough to love me. He doesn't need to know anymore.

Chris – I think you mean he wouldn't want to know anymore.

Sally – Same difference.

Chris – It's not, Sally. If you're going to be marrying this guy there are things he needs to find out from you beforehand... not after you've both gone through it. That isn't fair to him.

Sally – That's just where we differ. (tries to get up) Damn it. I thought that would have been dramatic as hell to walk away from you right then.

Chris – Quit fooling around and talk to me. Rest that toe.

Sally – Fooliling?

Chris – (laughs) You're not getting away from me that easily. You asked me to meet you here this weekend for a reason.

Sally – You know the reason.

Chris – No, it wasn't just that. You're smart enough to make me think your reasons were cut-and-dry, but I can tell there's something else.

Sally – Something else?

Chris – Something more.

Sally – (beat) I want to tell him about us before we get married. But I'm scared to.

Chris – (puts his arm around Sally) It's alright, Sally. I'm not going anywhere. Talk to me.

Sally – It's almost guaranteed I know what he's going to think. He's going to hate me. I can't have that.

Chris – He might.

Sally – Yeah, yeah—that's exactly what I wanted to hear. You're a great brother.

Chris – I'm just saying this isn't going to turn out well if that's what you're expecting. Don't get your hopes up.

Sally – So I shouldn't tell him? I should leave it buried. That's what your telling me.

Chris – On the contrary, he should know.

Sally – He should know.

Chris – You should tell him.

Sally – How?

Chris – Just tell him. There's no way to sugarcoat it.

Sally – So I should say, “by the way, Louis, I've been fucking my brother since I was kid. But it's alright because we've stopped cold turkey.” That's going to go over great. Genius idea there, Sherlock.

Chris – (scoffs) Not like that. You don't blurt it. He's going to end up hating both of us.

Sally – Never mind. I can't do it. I'm not going to do it. He doesn't need to know.

Chris – You need to tell him before it's too late. Secrets are no way to begin a relationship. You know that better than anyone.

Sally – He won't understand.

Chris – (kisses her again) Not at first. But if you explain it all to him, he might. In the end, that's what you want, right?

Sally – I should tell it all to him.

Chris – Yeah.

Sally – Yeah. (beat) “The truth, Louis, is that when we were kids, Chris and I really only had each other. Our parents were never around as much as they were supposed to be. They always said they were overwhelmed with me, and left it to my brother to do all the heavy lifting taking care of me. I know it's sick and perverted, and whatever else you want to call it, but it seemed natural for Chris and I to go that one step too far. The truth is, Louis, I loved him first and I'm just hoping you can accept that about my past.”

Chris – That's good, Sally.

Sally – No, it's not. That's fucked up, Chris. What we did, what we're doing—that's seriously fucked up. I'll never be able to tell him.

Chris – You have to. This has to be the last time. We can't do this again.

Sally – That's what I said to you once. And do you know what you told me?

Chris – Please, no.

Sally – You told me it'd be good for me. You'd be good for me. You told me we already loved each other, and that was enough. That's what you said when I told you I felt uncomfortable. You told me you wanted me to open up a little, that's all.

Chris – Please don't say it.

Sally – And when I asked why we couldn't tell mom and dad, all you said was to silence up. So I did, and we did. You got me to believe it wasn't wrong... but why does it feel so wrong now?

Chris – We're older. We've got a better perspective to look back at the little things we did.

Sally – Little. What we did wasn't little, Chris. It was kind of fucking big. (beat) Of the two of us, I thought you'd be the one pressuring me to keep it a secret.

Chris – Yeah, I know.

Sally – Yeah.

Chris – It's hard, you know? It's hard to move on when you're always around me. When I always see you, when it's this natural, I can't ever get away. It's not like a normal relationship where I can just cut you out of my life. Even when we're through we're never through; you're still my sister Sally.

Sally – And you're still my brother. I understand.

Chris – That's why I'm more than glad you're getting married. Somebody has to break this once and for all. It's unhealthy. It's unhealthy for me and you.

Sally – I know.

Chris – (beat, lays her head down in his lap so she's facing up at the night sky) You have to tell him and you have to get married. Because if you don't, I don't know if I can... if we'll ever be strong enough to be stopping this on our own.

Sally – Stopiping.

Chris – (laughs) Yeah.

Sally – (beat) When we looked up at this sky as kids, did you ever think we'd reach this place where we're at now?

Chris – No, did you?

Sally – Of course. I think of everything. That's my gift to the world.

Chris – How quickly I could have ever forgotten.

Sally – It's an honest mistake.

Chris – Part of me always knew it couldn't last forever. When you started dating what's-his-name in high school I was scared we would have to stop.

Sally – Jason? Jason was my experiment, to see what somebody different would be like.

Chris – Yeah, that didn't last long.

Sally – But what about Driving Miss Daisy? You two almost lasted a whole year. I was sure you wouldn't to any more while you were seeing her.

Chris – Me too.

Sally – Yet there you were every time you guys would break up for awhile.

Chris – Imagine the look on her face if she knew I was cheating on her with my own sister.

Sally – Evil. Though, that would have been funny.

Chris – Funny.

Sally – I wonder if Louis is going to think it's funny.

Chris – (He begins stroking her hair mindlessly) Probably not.

Sally – Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if we met someone else first, if we'd still, you know, would have started down this road?

Chris – We probably would have. Like you said, you needed me, and I've always been helpless to say no when you needed something.

Sally – Yeah, that part I don't regret at all. It was like there was only one perfect solution—all my acting out, all my feeling alone and sad all the time, all the mean things I used to say—and it was you. You've were the only calming influence in my life. The only one.

Chris – Don't you mean calmiming?

Sally – How could I have forgotten? It's true. Even mom and dad noticed after we started sleeping together I wasn't as bad to
them as I was before. They probably thought it was a natural stage of growing up, but I think it had everything to do with you.

Chris – Are you trying to thank me?

Sally – I guess I am.

Chris – Well, then, you're welcome. It's not like you weren't good for me either. You were my only ally in that house, the only good thing about growing up.

Sally – And now we're grown. Yay, us.

Chris – Yay.

Sally – I can say one thing. No one's ever going to take away our memories, no matter how old we get.

Chris – Yeah, when I'm sixty-five I'll still be recalling your tiny, twin bed and listening to the rain hit the roof above us when mom and dad were out of town. I don't know if I'll ever feel that content and safe and happy again. At least, not as easily as that. Nope, can't be done.

Sally – That was nice.

Chris – All the sneaking around. All the secrets and lying. It was still kind of worth it, you know? I can't say I'll miss it all, but there was always more good feelings than bad feelings. They can't take that away from me.


beneath the stars came falling on our heads

Sally – (beat) I'm ready to try to get up now, Chris.

Chris – That's good. How's the toe?

Sally – Better, but we'll look at it when we get back to the room. It could have fallen and I would've never known.

Chris – In that case we better to start looking for your toe. (Chris gets up first, leaving his sister laying on her back in the sand)
Do you think it's over there?

Sally – No, I don't think so.

Chris – It might be in the water by now. I could throw you in so you could have a look-see.

Sally – Whatever. (laughs) Just help me up, would you?

Chris – Of course. (extends his arm to help her up).

Sally – Chris? (jumps up to one leg and gingerly tries her weight on the other one)

Chris – Yeah?

Sally – What am I going to do if he can't understand?

Chris – I don't know, Sally. I don't know.

Sally – I love him.

Chris – I know that.

Sally – He's really good for me.

Chris – I know that.

Sally – (beat) I love you too, but I think you're right.

Chris – I love it when you say stuff like that to me.

Sally – I think I'm going to tell him. Regardless of his answer, this will have to have been the last time we “go on vacation.”

Chris – I agree.

Sally – I think I needed you when I was a kid, I needed that.

Chris – Me too.

Sally – But we're not kids anymore. It isn't healthy.

Chris – Exactly. (beat) Hey, Sally?

Sally – Yeah?

Chris – I love you too, sis.

Sally – Yeah, but I loved you first. (She gives him one last kiss before they slowly walk towards the hotel).

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers