I'm Breaking Down, I Just Can't Take It Any More, Oh, No, I Won't Let You Go, You Know I'm Coming For You

--"Coming For You", Jojo

There's a reason why I enjoy crime shows and crime novels aside from the entertainment value. Yes, I do enjoy the puzzle aspect of attempting to "solve" the murder before the protagonists do, but that's the same impulse I have with everything I read or watch. I'm always trying to suss out the ending before the piece is completed. That stems from a healthy respect for the craft and knowing the exact order in which plot points must occur. It also stems from having a feel of what manner of twists and their severity would be appropriate for the story at hand. Much like figuring out mechanics for my card games, I derive a great deal of pleasure of making seemingly random elements jib with one another into a cohesive whole. That's all I'm doing when I'm trying to work my way through a story before it has ever ended. But that's not the main reason why I enjoy tales of people killing other people or otherwise doing harm to one another.

The real reason I enjoy people acting on their baser instincts is because I'm looking for ideas, and just a wee bit of validation.

I can see myself stymied by the limitations of a system that advocates complete non-violence. I don't know if it's because I'm a violent person by nature that I've only recently learned to rein in or because I've slowly become a non-violent person who knows what it's like to have fallen off the wagon. All I know is that I've always been in favor of doing what you want regardless of what any other group, individual, or teaching has taught you. That's the way I'm with matters of religion and that's the way I've been with matters of legality. If you look deep enough at my motivations for doing most of the things I do you'll find that I lack the huge, gooey center of morality most individuals possess. I do things because they make me happy. I don't do things because they would make me happy.

Helping myself out, helping my friends out, and, to a certain extent, helping my friends out--these are all things that make me happy.

Concepts like making choices because "it's the right thing to do" or "because it's the more conscionable thing to do" just don't resonate with me. For me, it's a simple choice of whether or not making a certain choice will make me happy. I don't steal because I think stealing is wrong per se; I don't steal because I don't like the possible consequences of getting caught stealing. To be more extreme, I don't kill people because I think the act itself is wrong; I don't kill people because I've never seen a big enough benefit from killing someone to make the potential for getting caught and punished worth the effort. For me, all choices lack the core of being right or wrong; there's only choices that will make me happy and choices that have the potential to make me upset or sad.

I believe that's why I identify so much with tales of criminals because I sort of admire of adhering to the purity of their decision-making process. I don't deal with somebody else imposing their sense of decency upon me. I never have. I've yet to find one set of strictures or legal code or teachings that I've bought into. I've only ever saw my way as being right for me. Sure, I'll abide by society's rules because to not do so would only invite heartache and pain. But I can't honestly tell you that I believe in the right or wrong of anything I do. I think that's why I often get into hot water with a variety of people. I lack any basic understanding of why something might be frowned upon if it makes me happy. Sure, I can fake it. That comes with seeing how people have reacted when I did the opposite in the past, but I don't think I've ever fully come around to the idea that one set of choices is better than another.

I guess that comes from distancing myself from religion so thoroughly.

I don't believe in Judgement Day. I don't believe in sin. I don't even believe in the afterlife.

All I believe is that our time here is all we have. And I believe that we owe it to ourselves to make ourselves happy even if that means making others unhappy, especially if it means making other people unhappy. I don't hurt my friends and, to a certain extent, I don't hurt my family because that would make me unhappy. But hurting strangers doesn't make me unhappy and especially being non-committal to being nice to strangers out doesn't make me unhappy. I don't let people into my lane when I drive, I don't say hello or good-bye to people I don't know, I don't have any qualms about picking up someone's wallet and keeping it all to myself--all of these things I advocate because they make me happy or, at the very least, they cause me the least amount of annoyance.

That's why I like stories of murder. Because murder, to me, represents the ultimate bucking of the system. It entails saying my needs take precedence over your needs. It entails not living in a world that tells you what to do every second of your life. It entails making something happen for yourself regardless of the repercussions. To me that would be living. I mean--I could never do it myself because no problem has ever been big enough that it needed solving by murdering someone--but part of me, every single time I watch a movie or read a novel about criminals who get away with it, smiles at the prospect that there are parts of the world where such things are possible. Part of me smiles to think there are people who are capable of living by their own rules so fully as to commit such a decisive act without hesitation.

That's the part I admire. I could do without the blood and depravity; it's the central idea of acting on pure desire that intrigues me. That's how I wish I could be more like some times, instead of being so bloody analytical all the time.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers