You Know I Don't Like Being Stuck In A Crowd, And The Streets Don't Change But Maybe The Name, I Ain't Got Time For The Game

--"Patience", Guns N' Roses

Whenever my parents call to ask a favor of me, like they did tonight, I do my best to accommodate, but it's never quite to the levels people expect of me. I don't know what it is. I don't know why, after all these years, it still feels beneath me to help them out, but there are days when I can tell by the tone of their voice that they really need me. And that's when it's easiest for me to turn my back on them or, at the very least, give my assistance begrudgingly. On the contrary, when it's something small they need or I know they could turn to anyone for the help, that's when I'm more than willing to play nice and do what I can to pitch in. It's like my level of willingness wholly depends on the level of need.

I just have no patience for people who can't help themselves at least partially. It's like when I have a special skill or special knowledge, I believe that everybody should know at least a little how to do it too. And when they don't I look down upon them, especially if it's my family, and especially if it's my parents. The way I see it is my friends grew up in a different environment so I can excuse them not picking up the same set of skills as me. But my family? They grew up pretty much the same as me--the same place, the same time, the same everything. There's no reason they shouldn't have seen and learned the same things I have. And I know I double this impulse when it comes to my parents. It's one thing to know one's peers in the family--brothers and cousins--can't do everything as well as you. But when you surpass your parents in certain areas it's very disconcerting. Some people take it in stride. To me it's always been the unspoken promise they've broken.

When I found out I knew more about certain arenas of life than my dad or mom, it totally threw me. I admit that. It made me start to question what else they faked knowing more than me about. It genuinely raised some questions with me over how qualified they were to raise me. And I guess I've never let go of that feeling. In fact, I think I've passed the same sense of being betrayed to others.

I'm already an impatient person. I have a rarified temper that has gotten me into trouble many times before. But I'm especially impatient with people I feel I have an advantage over. Ignorance is not something I've ever been able to tolerate well. And when that ignorance manifests in a plea for help it just infuriates me. It's like when I see people trying to switch over to my lane on the freeway. You're asking me to do something for you for no commiserate favor. So I answer your question, so I do my favor for you? What then? What do I get out of it. Your gratitude. Gratitude matters little to me when I still feel like I've been taken advantage of. I used my knowledge, I used my time to better your position, but my position remains the same. Well, that's just like letting someone butt in friend of you in line like back in elementary school.

That's why I think I get upset or impatient when my parents ask me for favors. I know the best of what they have to offer me has passed. From this point on, it's me who will be doing more to help them out and that's a sinking feeling that I guess I haven't been able to look past. As matter how hard I try, I'm still not the person that can help anyone out altruistically. If anything I'm still that guy who needs to know that I'll be getting more in return with every favor I do.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers