Sense of Life
--"Sense of Life", Do As Infinity
I wanted to quit.
It was early April 2004 and I had just been informed that my position as Junior Accountant for the Los Angeles Regional Office for Robinson's May was being downsized. I hadn't been offered an opportunity to transfer to the main office in Texas where all the finances for the company were going to be handled. I'd been handed an average-sized severance package and been sent on my way. The next few weeks would prove distressing since I still had two more months until I was officially let go. To top it off, the company had paid for an extravagant pizza lunch only days before and I was feeling kind of betrayed at the obvious sense of duplicity.
Granted, I hadn't had the job that long. I had started in February so I didn't have a huge amount of time to form fast friendships with any of the personnel. But even that stung. There I was, in a job I had just gotten. I had gone through all the hoops--the multiple interviews, the rough first couple of days getting to know what my responsibilities were, and even suffering the indignity of a good number of people hating me that I was compelled to work with. It appeared my job was coveted by some of the personnel in the accounting and collections department. The decision to hire outside the company wasn't met with a great deal of approval. I became the ready scapegoat for a few individuals who were decidedly non-plussed about their lack of upward mobility. Then there was the whole getting used to coming to work in a jacket, slacks, and tie when every job I had had before that entailed wearing the freest of free dress. Lastly, I was handed tasks that, quite frankly, were out of my understanding and definitely out of my area of expertise. Though my time there was short, I felt like a fraud since I didn't really have a finance background--not like some of the other department staff had. I had talked my way into the job, bullshitting left and right.
Then, when I finally had some understanding of what I was doing and the least bit sense of security that I would retain the job for a lengthy period, they go and yank it away from me.
I was also downtrodden because in the months leading up to getting that job I had been having a rough time of finding gainful employment. I basically quit my job at Sears Collections in September to work for Sales job in Los Angeles peddling office supplies business to business. I was fired from that job not even two weeks later. I then went to work for Planet Mortgage/Financial in Anaheim in October. I was fired from that job in the middle of November. At that point I was unemployed for six weeks till the beginning of January, when Planet Mortgage decided to hire me back. After that I found the job at Robinson's May. It was a roller coaster ride of being hired and fired, ups and downs, for a good six months prior to that April. When I heard that I wouldn't have a job by the end of June all the same sense of trepidation--"will I find a job quickly?" "will I like the next place that I get hired at?"--came rushing back.
I turned to the usual places I turned to. I went back to listening to new music and music that had been suggested to me by friends--Rilo Kiley, Eisley, and Friendly Contribution all had their chances to impress me during this time period. I also turned back to reading and writing on the internet this time. I began reading more and more blogs. I also took my IMing on AOL, Yahoo!, and other services up a notch. It was actually during a conversation about new music that I was having with my cousin Vincent that the topic of Do As Infinity came up. I had asked him if he had heard any new music I might like and he told me about a band he'd been listening to that he had first heard from the ending theme to the second season of the anime Inuyasha. He said that from that first theme, he grew to gather their entire catalogue up until that point. Any time a snippet of a song can enthrall somebody I know in less than ninety seconds of play time, it intrigues me. I asked him to play me that end theme, "Fukai Mori". I followed that by asking him to send me a sample of some of the other songs. That very night I must have listened to the same two songs he sent me dozens of time. With each listen, I kept falling deeper and deeper into their web. The lead singer had one of the loveliest voices I'd ever heard and the music sounded timeless, yet easily identifiable. It was like listening to songs I had grown up with an liked, except I knew I hadn't. And I think the fact that each of them was sung almost completely in Japanese only added to the allure.
To me, it was like listening to the mood of a piece without being bogged down in the particulars of what they were singing about. It was like, because I couldn't get the meaning behind the words, I could get the meaning behind the complete picture of the song. And I liked what I heard. It had those elusive qualities that always draws me to great pieces of art, the sense of wistfulness and forlornness that the best stories, the best paintings, the best anything possess. I could identify with how the songs made me feel more than with what they are about. At that point in time that's exactly what I needed.
No, it didn't cure every problem that ailed me. Listening to Do As Infinity didn't find me a job, didn't stop me from worrying, or even save me from unemployment that summer. What it did do, when I was finally able to procure the albums in their entirety, was put me in a place where I felt completely at one with my troubles and stress. I went to this sad place, driven there by the songs, and kind of left my worries behind me there. Listening to their songs was like walking into the shower covered in sweat and grime of everyday existence and just leaving it there when I left. It was okay to hurt. It was okay to worry. It was okay to feel all these things that I couldn't just say out loud to anyone because nobody likes hearing someone bitch about their job, their finances, or even their lack of direction of their life. But when I was alone and it seemed like the songs I was listening to were talking about the same themes, I felt okay to let my mind wander in my misgivings. I felt open to explore the possibility of not finding a job in the near future, to the idea that my best years were behind me, to the sense that my life was already passing me by.
Once those song or songs ended, I felt unburdened enough to start hoping again. More to the point, I felt secure that I had delved deeply enough into my travails, that I could start expecting the next opportunity was right around the corner for me. It had to be because I had already reached some of the lowest thoughts I've ever thought while listening to the song. Where else could my thoughts go but up?
That's why when Vincent told me that Do As Infinity would be playing in Dallas at the end of June of that year I had to go. I didn't have a job at that point. I didn't have much holding me tied to staying at home miserable, looking through the want ads and hearing from everyone that if I just applied myself I could find something. What I did have was a lot of free time on my hands and a newfound respect for how music can transform one's soul. Yes, some of their songs are rather happy and uplifting, but the reason I went to the show in June of 2004 was because I felt like the majority of their songs captured the solitude and the longing that real life encapsulates. After hearing them performed live, I couldn't tell you if their songs are sad, per se, but I can tell you that each and every one of them has great empathy to them and a great composite of emotions contained with them.
That idea became very central to me as the next few months rolled by. I needed to know other people were in the same frame of my mind I was.
If I'd never found that sense of connection with something outside of my own head, who knows where I would have ended up. But, because I did, and because it helped me to deal with all the issues with not feeling important to a world that I felt had disregarded me, I came out of it the other side relatively unscathed.
That's why I continue to listen to Do As Infinity to this day and that's why, come this September when they play the U.S. again, I'll be there.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
I wanted to quit.It was early April 2004 and I had just been informed that my position as Junior Accountant for the Los Angeles Regional Office for Robinson's May was being downsized. I hadn't been offered an opportunity to transfer to the main office in Texas where all the finances for the company were going to be handled. I'd been handed an average-sized severance package and been sent on my way. The next few weeks would prove distressing since I still had two more months until I was officially let go. To top it off, the company had paid for an extravagant pizza lunch only days before and I was feeling kind of betrayed at the obvious sense of duplicity.
Granted, I hadn't had the job that long. I had started in February so I didn't have a huge amount of time to form fast friendships with any of the personnel. But even that stung. There I was, in a job I had just gotten. I had gone through all the hoops--the multiple interviews, the rough first couple of days getting to know what my responsibilities were, and even suffering the indignity of a good number of people hating me that I was compelled to work with. It appeared my job was coveted by some of the personnel in the accounting and collections department. The decision to hire outside the company wasn't met with a great deal of approval. I became the ready scapegoat for a few individuals who were decidedly non-plussed about their lack of upward mobility. Then there was the whole getting used to coming to work in a jacket, slacks, and tie when every job I had had before that entailed wearing the freest of free dress. Lastly, I was handed tasks that, quite frankly, were out of my understanding and definitely out of my area of expertise. Though my time there was short, I felt like a fraud since I didn't really have a finance background--not like some of the other department staff had. I had talked my way into the job, bullshitting left and right.
Then, when I finally had some understanding of what I was doing and the least bit sense of security that I would retain the job for a lengthy period, they go and yank it away from me.
I was also downtrodden because in the months leading up to getting that job I had been having a rough time of finding gainful employment. I basically quit my job at Sears Collections in September to work for Sales job in Los Angeles peddling office supplies business to business. I was fired from that job not even two weeks later. I then went to work for Planet Mortgage/Financial in Anaheim in October. I was fired from that job in the middle of November. At that point I was unemployed for six weeks till the beginning of January, when Planet Mortgage decided to hire me back. After that I found the job at Robinson's May. It was a roller coaster ride of being hired and fired, ups and downs, for a good six months prior to that April. When I heard that I wouldn't have a job by the end of June all the same sense of trepidation--"will I find a job quickly?" "will I like the next place that I get hired at?"--came rushing back.
I turned to the usual places I turned to. I went back to listening to new music and music that had been suggested to me by friends--Rilo Kiley, Eisley, and Friendly Contribution all had their chances to impress me during this time period. I also turned back to reading and writing on the internet this time. I began reading more and more blogs. I also took my IMing on AOL, Yahoo!, and other services up a notch. It was actually during a conversation about new music that I was having with my cousin Vincent that the topic of Do As Infinity came up. I had asked him if he had heard any new music I might like and he told me about a band he'd been listening to that he had first heard from the ending theme to the second season of the anime Inuyasha. He said that from that first theme, he grew to gather their entire catalogue up until that point. Any time a snippet of a song can enthrall somebody I know in less than ninety seconds of play time, it intrigues me. I asked him to play me that end theme, "Fukai Mori". I followed that by asking him to send me a sample of some of the other songs. That very night I must have listened to the same two songs he sent me dozens of time. With each listen, I kept falling deeper and deeper into their web. The lead singer had one of the loveliest voices I'd ever heard and the music sounded timeless, yet easily identifiable. It was like listening to songs I had grown up with an liked, except I knew I hadn't. And I think the fact that each of them was sung almost completely in Japanese only added to the allure.
To me, it was like listening to the mood of a piece without being bogged down in the particulars of what they were singing about. It was like, because I couldn't get the meaning behind the words, I could get the meaning behind the complete picture of the song. And I liked what I heard. It had those elusive qualities that always draws me to great pieces of art, the sense of wistfulness and forlornness that the best stories, the best paintings, the best anything possess. I could identify with how the songs made me feel more than with what they are about. At that point in time that's exactly what I needed.
No, it didn't cure every problem that ailed me. Listening to Do As Infinity didn't find me a job, didn't stop me from worrying, or even save me from unemployment that summer. What it did do, when I was finally able to procure the albums in their entirety, was put me in a place where I felt completely at one with my troubles and stress. I went to this sad place, driven there by the songs, and kind of left my worries behind me there. Listening to their songs was like walking into the shower covered in sweat and grime of everyday existence and just leaving it there when I left. It was okay to hurt. It was okay to worry. It was okay to feel all these things that I couldn't just say out loud to anyone because nobody likes hearing someone bitch about their job, their finances, or even their lack of direction of their life. But when I was alone and it seemed like the songs I was listening to were talking about the same themes, I felt okay to let my mind wander in my misgivings. I felt open to explore the possibility of not finding a job in the near future, to the idea that my best years were behind me, to the sense that my life was already passing me by.
Once those song or songs ended, I felt unburdened enough to start hoping again. More to the point, I felt secure that I had delved deeply enough into my travails, that I could start expecting the next opportunity was right around the corner for me. It had to be because I had already reached some of the lowest thoughts I've ever thought while listening to the song. Where else could my thoughts go but up?
That's why when Vincent told me that Do As Infinity would be playing in Dallas at the end of June of that year I had to go. I didn't have a job at that point. I didn't have much holding me tied to staying at home miserable, looking through the want ads and hearing from everyone that if I just applied myself I could find something. What I did have was a lot of free time on my hands and a newfound respect for how music can transform one's soul. Yes, some of their songs are rather happy and uplifting, but the reason I went to the show in June of 2004 was because I felt like the majority of their songs captured the solitude and the longing that real life encapsulates. After hearing them performed live, I couldn't tell you if their songs are sad, per se, but I can tell you that each and every one of them has great empathy to them and a great composite of emotions contained with them.
That idea became very central to me as the next few months rolled by. I needed to know other people were in the same frame of my mind I was.
If I'd never found that sense of connection with something outside of my own head, who knows where I would have ended up. But, because I did, and because it helped me to deal with all the issues with not feeling important to a world that I felt had disregarded me, I came out of it the other side relatively unscathed.
That's why I continue to listen to Do As Infinity to this day and that's why, come this September when they play the U.S. again, I'll be there.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Labels: Do As Infinity, escaping, Life, trips, Worrying
posted by mojo shivers @ 12:50 AM
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