Am I Outta My Mind, I Think I Might Be Going Crazy, Cause My Heart Is Yours To Have And Hold Or Break, How You'd Get So Close, When You're So Far Away

--"So Close", Jennette McCurdy

May 4th, 1995

Dear Breanne,

I know we are so far apart, and that is has been weeks since the last time we were together. You would think that I have gotten better at not missing you as much. I can't explain how all this distance and time apart has made my love for you grow. It's not easy writing that to you because it's going to be out there for you to look at any time you want. That's a scary feeling for me. Words floating in the air I can handle, words printed out and preserved terrifies me. But I wanted to send you something to show that, unlike what you said last week, I feel it every bit as strongly as you do. Moreso because I think I've had to hold onto it so long while you had the luxury of being able to speak your mind. But each week that has passed has only served to let me know more and more how I feel.

I know I should slow down and wait a bit. I know I should make sure everything I think I understand is true. But it's hard to remain calm when you finally feel that your world has gotten started. There isn't time to waste because I've wasted so much of that already on people who didn't matter and on foolish ideas that don't belong in the real world. I'm tired of holding back when I know that what I found is good. I don't need time to decide. I only need you.

And it's like you knew early on and I didn't believe you. I thought you were just being impulsive and flightly. I guess I cared about you too, but I was just so used to being hurt so often that I didn't want to dive in straight away. I dipped my toes and then I dipped my knee. Meanwhile, the entire time you had already jumped into the water and were telling me the water was fine. You were so patient with me. I don't know how you did it. I don't know if I could have ever been that patient if I was that sure about you right from the get-go. It took me awhile, up until this last trip out to see you, but I finally think I've caught up.

It pains me to say, but the last night that we were together, I wanted it to happen because I didn't want to stay any longer than I had to. I wanted to free myself of you since the next day I was to leave. I thought it was better that way. I know you noticed how I seemed to turn off when we went out to eat. I was doing such a great job of holding it in so well, but as time wore on I found myself having such a great time talking to you and laughing when we spoke. The facade faded, and it faded rather quickly. The afternoon got away from me and the control I had just vanished slowly. When the night came and we found each other quiet in your mother's car I wanted to die because I realized that I still wanted to stay so much, that I did not want to go home quite just yet. I wished over and over in my head that we hadn't let that week pass by without us talking about what was to come next. I couldn't believe how you said you also wished we had made better plans, but we were just too proud to tell each other, and now I was leaving the next day. Yes, I broke into tears and cried in your arms. After we just gave into our love for each other and broke away our pride and kissed. You cried with me, and those tears still remain preserved in my heart. Though now they kill me every day, because I'm not near you. We must have stayed in that car just outside your house, not daring to go inside. And, an hour later, when we finally did go in, you led me upstairs and into your bedroom. Upon further reflection, that just made matters. It would've been easier if we'd just had stayed in the car all night. How could I leave after that? I couldn't say goodbye. I was forced to.

I was lost for so long after that. Maybe that's why I didn't want to answer your questions. I was so lost about it all. We should've made some plans, worked it all out. But we didn't and that's why I got confused and why I felt like you were pushing me so hard for answers I couldn't give you. You wanted me to give you the thumbs up... while all I wanted to do was twiddle them.

I don't think anyone understands the burden I carry in my heart day by day ... until I am once again with you. I am hopelessly in love with you, devoted to being with you. My first true love, I hope you feel the same, because it would be so much worse if I was lost in this feeling alone, without you to share it with and to share the thought of us being together again. I am sorry for each and every moment that I've hurt you up until now. If I could only remember what this feeling truly feels like then I don't think I'd ever hurt you again. If I could only remember what's at stake here, namely you, I doubt I'd ever do anything wantonly ever again.

I just wanted you to know you were right (as always). Before I left you asked me if I do, in fact, love you.

Quite simply, that would be a yes, Breannie.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers