And So It Must Be And So It Is Written, On The Doorway To Paradise, That Those Who Falter And Those Who Fall, Must Pay The Price

--"Stars", Les Miserables Original Soundtrack

Leave it to Glee to kick start my Les Miserables fanaticism once again. I admit, I was trudging along through my life with a scarcely a thought about that musical until the May 18th episode of Glee had to go and remind me just how much I love that play. There was a time where I was listening to one of its many soundtracks (Tenth Anniversary, Original Broadway, Original London, &c...) at least once or twice a week for many, many weeks in a row. But in recent years my devotion has waned as new interests have taken its place.

The thing about having a favorite piece of entertainment is that such devotion never really goes away. It sort of just simmers in the background until such time where the tiniest spark causes it to reignite into a full-blown conflagration. For me I just have to hear any number from the show and I usually start listening to all of them during the course of the next few weeks. It's just the way it is. It's just the way I am. Whenever I'm watching one thing, something inevitably gets me to thinking about another thing. Then that second thing becomes a priority in terms of having to go back to it. Another case in point, I was watching The Big Bang Theory the other day and they mentioned Firefly. Well, as soon as the episode was over I had to go right ahead and watch an episode of Firefly. As soon as I have the thought, I have to put that thought into action. Or, as Breanne likes to say, it's one of my many, many rules that I have to follow.

In that regard I am very much like Javert from Les Miserables. He's not my favorite character, but he's definitely the one people say I resemble the most. The way he doggedly pursues his aim without being distracted, the way he has this black-and-white sense of what is good and evil, the way he'd rather die than rethink his perspective--these are all reminiscent of some of my worst (and best) character traits.

One trait Lucy and I share is the fact is we're both stubborn. That fact has been mentioned many times here. The difference between our brand of stubbornness is that hers stems from a sense of being right all the time and mine usually stems from a sense that that's the way I've always thought about a subject or that's the way I've always accomplished doing a task. Even when I can concede that another way might be a better approach, I'll still stick to my guns just because "it's a rule." From the way I set the microwave to all sorts of eights, to the way I have to watch shows and movies "while they're fresh," even the "double or nothing" rule for straws--a lot of my quirks stem from the fact I started out doing a task one way and I doggedly must repeat the action the same way every time thereafter. But what makes it an idiosyncrasy is that after I decide this is the way certain things must be done, I'll invent a rule to give some sort of meaning to my decision.

Basically I work backwards. I'll decided what I want to do first and then I'll come up with a reason why it had to be done that way. Woe betide anyone who takes up the challenge of trying to get me to change my ways. That's where my stubbornness comes in.

And just like Javert it's lead me to some heartache and misery over the years. There has been many opportunities, many friendships lost over the fact that I must have all these facets in my life a certain way. If that way cannot be had or if something bars me from getting it done a certain way, I go on these kamikaze self-destructive streaks where I will absolutely plow through anything or anyone in my way to getting to my goal, even if that goal is all but rendered impossible. Or, as it's played more precisely out, I will go full steam ahead with my efforts towards a certain accomplishment and forgo anything and anyone who doesn't assist me in that endeavor. I'm very much the sort who labels people as those who are pushing me along or those who are just standing in my way.

And just like Javert it's usually after I've done what I set out to do that I realize that sometimes I've paid too high of a cost to get it done. That's when I usually come to the conclusion that what I wanted wasn't worth the sacrifices I made to have it. But by then it's usually too late. By then the only solace I can find is that I, indeed, got everything I wanted... even if it meant losing everything and everyone I really needed.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers