But God, Didn't We Have Some Fun? When We Made Love In The Van, And I Drove With Your Hand On My Lap
--"It Was Love", The Elected
Emily once wrote that "Happiness is found in the frozen food section where they keep the ice cream." While that might very well put a smile on my face, I think another visceral experience leaps to mind when I think of where I might find happiness. I think for me happiness is found next to the person I know that loves me. I don't know if I've ever written before about what I miss the most whenever a relationship can't seem to work itself out, but it's the feeling of waking up next to someone. That sensation, that particular moment in time, is when I feel the most connected to another human being. Sharing a bed is pretty much the pinnacle for me when it comes to solidifying my feelings about a person. So while ice cream may, indeed, bring about momentary satisfaction, that touch of human skin next to mine is a pleasure that transcends joy. It is a sensation unlike no other.
----
I awoke in the hotel room with the memory of what it was like inside of you still imprinted upon me. It was like waking up from a dream only to find out the dream is miraculously real. I recalled all of it--the impetuous drive down to San Diego, the talking to dawn while we laid next to each other on the bed, and, finally, the blissful release from guilt and over-thinking any consequences that may arise. You said that sometimes there are experiences worth getting in trouble for. And that's all that it took. We fell into the familiar playfulness of the couple we were always meant to be. It wasn't like the other times--the fumbling, the nervousness--this time we explored the dynamic of what we were like together like seasoned guides, making sure to hit every hidden spot, every summit, that we had missed before or, possibly, hadn't even known to look for.
I must say it was beautiful. You were beautiful. And you were made all the more beautiful with the knowledge that we made love with full intent and permission.
When I awoke, I didn't immediately think of how I'd done wrong by you and how that night should have never happened. I didn't think about all that I would be losing. All that sprung to mind was the foolish indulgence of it all. All I could think about was how you were still there and how I should be celebrating that fact. There would be plenty of time to contemplate whether or not this "one last time" was going to kill me as soon as you left again. All I wanted to do at that moment is run my hand up your lily-white skin. I spooned in behind you, felt the warmth of a body that was both intimate and familiar. I draped my arm around you and left my fingers across the flat of your stomach. Deciding to let you sleep, I carefully placed my head just behind your chestnut brown hair. Not daring to breathe even a decibel too loudly, I just watched the back of your head, feeling you sleep more than hearing it. I wanted to have you awake, to tell you how lovely you were, and how special the whole evening was to me.
We laid like that for awhile, clothed in our affection for one another above our nakedness. I couldn't fall asleep. Inside of me were expressions of thought and emotion that just being there was evoking in me. Outside the bed, the room, the hotel, the world may have been stock-still, but inside my head were racing a dozen threads of how I was coming to grips with all of it. It's one thing to have fooled around with you, going into each time as if they were fortunate accidents that beared never repeating. But this time was different. We both knew this would probably be it for us, "one last time" as they say. Armed with that knowledge, the whole night took on far-reaching implications. It became not only a celebration of our friendship, our relationship with one another. It became a celebration of the miracle it is to find someone in this world when everybody else seems so hidden away. That's what I wanted to tell you that day. That, and maybe to say how very much I treasured you.
That's when I felt you waken with a start. I felt you turn your body over to face. I looked into those great oceanic eyes of yours. I saw into your smile. That's when I decided that maybe the experience was best captured without words. What I was feeling and what you were feeling didn't need any long, drawn-out explanations. It was what it was. I was still me and you were still little 'ole you. That hadn't changed between us. We were different people and I don't think anything of how we felt about one another changed. That night wasn't something we did out of lust or hormones or impulsiveness. I liked to think we had sex again that night out of the respect we felt for one another. There's only so much you can do with a person to show them how much you care about them before it turns to physically showing them. It may not have originated from amorous feelings of wanted to get married and settling down that the first few times had. It may not have been born out of that type of love, but it was born out of love nonetheless.
You kissed me and wrapped your arms around me. I reciprocated your motions, brushed the bangs out of your eyes, and gave you a knowing wink. Then you closed your eyes again to fall asleep. And I held you, wanting to never let you go, not for anything.
That's what I think of when I think of happiness.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Emily once wrote that "Happiness is found in the frozen food section where they keep the ice cream." While that might very well put a smile on my face, I think another visceral experience leaps to mind when I think of where I might find happiness. I think for me happiness is found next to the person I know that loves me. I don't know if I've ever written before about what I miss the most whenever a relationship can't seem to work itself out, but it's the feeling of waking up next to someone. That sensation, that particular moment in time, is when I feel the most connected to another human being. Sharing a bed is pretty much the pinnacle for me when it comes to solidifying my feelings about a person. So while ice cream may, indeed, bring about momentary satisfaction, that touch of human skin next to mine is a pleasure that transcends joy. It is a sensation unlike no other.----
I awoke in the hotel room with the memory of what it was like inside of you still imprinted upon me. It was like waking up from a dream only to find out the dream is miraculously real. I recalled all of it--the impetuous drive down to San Diego, the talking to dawn while we laid next to each other on the bed, and, finally, the blissful release from guilt and over-thinking any consequences that may arise. You said that sometimes there are experiences worth getting in trouble for. And that's all that it took. We fell into the familiar playfulness of the couple we were always meant to be. It wasn't like the other times--the fumbling, the nervousness--this time we explored the dynamic of what we were like together like seasoned guides, making sure to hit every hidden spot, every summit, that we had missed before or, possibly, hadn't even known to look for.
I must say it was beautiful. You were beautiful. And you were made all the more beautiful with the knowledge that we made love with full intent and permission.
When I awoke, I didn't immediately think of how I'd done wrong by you and how that night should have never happened. I didn't think about all that I would be losing. All that sprung to mind was the foolish indulgence of it all. All I could think about was how you were still there and how I should be celebrating that fact. There would be plenty of time to contemplate whether or not this "one last time" was going to kill me as soon as you left again. All I wanted to do at that moment is run my hand up your lily-white skin. I spooned in behind you, felt the warmth of a body that was both intimate and familiar. I draped my arm around you and left my fingers across the flat of your stomach. Deciding to let you sleep, I carefully placed my head just behind your chestnut brown hair. Not daring to breathe even a decibel too loudly, I just watched the back of your head, feeling you sleep more than hearing it. I wanted to have you awake, to tell you how lovely you were, and how special the whole evening was to me.
We laid like that for awhile, clothed in our affection for one another above our nakedness. I couldn't fall asleep. Inside of me were expressions of thought and emotion that just being there was evoking in me. Outside the bed, the room, the hotel, the world may have been stock-still, but inside my head were racing a dozen threads of how I was coming to grips with all of it. It's one thing to have fooled around with you, going into each time as if they were fortunate accidents that beared never repeating. But this time was different. We both knew this would probably be it for us, "one last time" as they say. Armed with that knowledge, the whole night took on far-reaching implications. It became not only a celebration of our friendship, our relationship with one another. It became a celebration of the miracle it is to find someone in this world when everybody else seems so hidden away. That's what I wanted to tell you that day. That, and maybe to say how very much I treasured you.
That's when I felt you waken with a start. I felt you turn your body over to face. I looked into those great oceanic eyes of yours. I saw into your smile. That's when I decided that maybe the experience was best captured without words. What I was feeling and what you were feeling didn't need any long, drawn-out explanations. It was what it was. I was still me and you were still little 'ole you. That hadn't changed between us. We were different people and I don't think anything of how we felt about one another changed. That night wasn't something we did out of lust or hormones or impulsiveness. I liked to think we had sex again that night out of the respect we felt for one another. There's only so much you can do with a person to show them how much you care about them before it turns to physically showing them. It may not have originated from amorous feelings of wanted to get married and settling down that the first few times had. It may not have been born out of that type of love, but it was born out of love nonetheless.
You kissed me and wrapped your arms around me. I reciprocated your motions, brushed the bangs out of your eyes, and gave you a knowing wink. Then you closed your eyes again to fall asleep. And I held you, wanting to never let you go, not for anything.
That's what I think of when I think of happiness.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
posted by mojo shivers @ 4:40 PM
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