When Explanations Make No Sense, When Every Answer's Wrong, You're Fighting With Less Confidence, All Expectations Gone

--"Breakout", Swing Out Sister



Sometimes I feel like I'm less on a journey along a winding road as much as travelling through some city where I'm passing intersection after intersection. It isn't a matter of not knowing where the road I'm travelling is going as much as it is a matter of being presented so many opportunities to know what to do with. Sometimes, yes, it ia a little much to take, this life where I'm supposed to be well on my way towards something. It's akin to the time I was a freshman in college, still undecided as to what I want to major in, what I want to be. Damn it all, I've been alive for over three decades now. I'm supposed to have at least a bit of my life figured out already. Yet most of the time I still feel like I'm just winging it.

I don't so much live my life as let life happen to me. About the only assertive thing I do is travel. That's possibly the only arena in my life where I display a carefree attitude. I don't ask earthly questions like if I can afford it, is there something else I could use the money for, or do I really need to go on yet another trip. I just go. If I could only transfer such courage and confidence to other aspects of my life, I'd be all set.

For instance, career-wise I am so far removed from where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Not only am I not doing what I went to school for, what I dreamed of, and what everybody thought I was going to be; I'm working in a completely different field. If writing was Boston, I wouldn't say I was in New York or Los Angeles. I'd say I was in Bangkok job-wise. And it isn't like I want to complain about what I do. Especially with my new position, it's been mentally and financially rewarding working in the field that I do. I simply know that it's always going to be one of those dreams that I felt I quit on too soon. Like everything else that once was important to me, I didn't put in the hard work to see it through. I assumed wanting something was the same thing as going out and getting it. I let way too many opportunities pass me by.

The same could go for personal relationships and friendships. I look back on the people in my life and I realize every so often that there were many people I could have taken the time to know better and there were many people I should have cut loose sooner. It's like I'm Ryoga Hibiki when it comes to picking out and keeping quality people. I just don't have the sense God gave geese as a wise person once said.

I think the main reason I'm writing this tonight is that tomorrow I begin in earnest to look for a new residence to coincide with my new employment. I should have been combing the classifieds, calling everyone I know, and researching the best route to getting that perfect place to rent or lease. Yet I have the nagging feeling that in this area I have slacked off and left it, once again, to the vagaries of fate to decide what's best for me. I don't have a plan as to where and when I'm going to visit tomorrow. I have basically two ads that I'm going to check out, but no real clue as to the kinds of questions I want to ask, what kind of amenities I require, or any real sense as to how go about switching locales. The last time I had to move came on the heels of a crushing blow life-wise and I was in no shape to be picky. This time, however, I have both the opportunity and the wherewithal to root out exactly the cream of the crop. I have no compelling need to settle for anything less than perfect. I have no desire to be stuck in a place that is in the least bit annoying or unsatisfactory. But, just because I can afford to wait for the perfect wave, doesn't mean I won't take the first ride in that comes my way. It's just my nature to be impulsive, undisciplined, and, most of all, lazy. The truth is I just want to be moved out as soon as possible. I just want all the stress and agony of lugging all my stuff to be done with. I want all the pangs of being surrounded by unfamiliar surroundings to be behind me already. I just want to be able to establish a new routine wherever it is I've relocated.

That means the following will come to pass. I'll committ myself to the first decent place that comes my way and be always the least bit miffed about the particulars I never bothered to ascertain beforehand. It'll pass muster, may be be above average, but it won't be perfect. I just know it.

Such is my curse in life, to be nitpicky about the aspects of life most people can decide in an instant and to be blase about the life-and-death issues. I know I have screwed-up priorities, but today is an eye-opener as to the degree I go into major situations ill-prepared to handle them.

Oh 'twell! We shall see how tomorrow unfolds and where I stand once I come to the other side of it.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers