If You Want To, I Can Save You, I Can Take You Away From Here, So Lonely Inside, So Busy Out There, And All You Wanted, Was Sombody Who Cares

--"All You Wanted", Michelle Branch

In the interim of my computer feeling ill and receiving it back I was left with the nagging sensation that I rely on it far too much. It isn't only that I seek its comfort in pleasurable activities such as chatting with friends, posting on here, or looking up scores of informational materials, I also rely on it to do much of my "work". All my stories are on here, all the drafts I've concocted in pursuit of a completed screenplay so far are lodged on here, and even topic starters and snippets I've saved in hopes of mining creative gold are all tucked away in this hard drive. The last two days, being without convenient access to my life, basically, has showed me that I have an over-reliance on an infernal machine. If this computer were to tragically perish in an inferno, flood, or even a plague of locusts I would totally be adrift in a sea of sorrow. I honestly do not know how my life would function if I could not turn on this stupid computer.

The blasted corrollary is that I've been without access to one of my closer friends for almost a week now. Through various misunderstandings, I thought our friendship was in a strange purgatory where both parties would have been okay if they were to never speak to the other. I tried to be strong. I tried to pretend that my life did not, in part, depend on the ability to stay in reasonable communication with this friend. I wanted to believe that my life had more outlets for company than one young woman.

But the truth is I have a sickening dependence on this individual as well. I don't need to see her everyday. I don't need to call her everyday. Yet the thought of not being able to pick up my phone and shoot the shit with her placed me in a funk that came close to the sense of loss that my computer's recent fits brought with it. That idea, frankly, frightens me. For most of my life I thought I was somebody who didn't need any one person to complete my life. Sure, I had B., but hers is a special case since best friends do not adhere to any rules that other friends may have to adhere to. Everyone else, though, I treated like con artists treat their family and friends. Never make any connection you cannot walk away from at a moment's notice, is their theory. Never fall in the trap of caring too much. The way I was always told was you should be grateful for the time you've already had with a person, not for the time you expect to have with them. All friendships, relationships, &c... are in a state of flux and to think otherwise is utter folly.

I want to be the person who doesn't need to rely on a computer to spit out his life. Also, I want to be the person that doesn't need anyone as much as I want to be the person who appreciates everyone for what they have already given. I want to have that gratitude for the memories I've already been given.

But the truth is the first thing I did when I got my computer back was jump back into my old routine.

And the truth is, the minute she left a message for me last night, I welcomed the opportunity to fall back into that old, familiar comfortable sense of being acknowledged by someone who genuinely enjoys my company.

Yes, I'm weak.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers