So Never Mind The Darkness, We Still Can Find A Way, 'Cause Nothin' Lasts Forever, Even Cold November Rain
--"November Rain", Guns N' Roses
I've always tried to set myself apart from the rest of the crowd. Fitting in was never a high priority for me growing up. I can remember thousands of times where I could have done the "normal" thing or what was expected of me, but instead I chose to do something slightly off-kilter or weird because the idea of conforming just never appealed to me. I don't know if it really stems from being anti-social or just trying to be noticed. I mean--I never had the whole being devestatingly handsome or excruciatingly athletic thing going for me. The only really natural talent I have is for thinking on my feet and being creative, both of which come in handy when you're trying to be funny by doing something off-the-wall or trying to be witty by coming up with a clever non-sequitir or pun. Sometimes I don't even really believe the things I tell people I believe in or I don't really want to engage in some of the illicit activities I have engaged in, but because, ironically, it's expected of me to do the unexpected, I feel forced to always be striving for the next crazy thing. I have that mentality that I've already travelled this far on the reputation of bucking convention at every opportunity, I can't stop now.
It's been fun at times up until now. I tend to crack myself up a lot and, upon occasion, I even manage to coax a smile out of friends, family, co-workers, and random strangers. It's a refreshing feeling not to be tied to having to appear civil or restrained. Pretty much any time I think of something, I express it somehow.
However, in recent years, I've noticed a nasty corrolary to this personality trait. I simply have no patience for people who choose more often than not to walk the straight and narrow. I get annoyed with people who lack the carefree spirit to do and say as they please. I see it in many areas. Just last Friday I got upset with my friend for wanting to spend time with family rather than go on a last-minute trip. To be obligated to one's family before what one really wants to do is so far out of my understanding that I was really ticked off. It was enough to ruin dinner for both of us. I see it with people I spend time with who can't spend more time with me because they feel the tiniest bit of awkwardness or embarrassment in having to explain themselves to other people they know. For me, it's always been in my best interest to be friendly with people I think are cool regardless of their particular background, upbringing, circumstances, or living arrangements. For me, when you have to decide whether or not you can be friends with somebody on something other than the content of their character, then you're not being true to yourself. I also notice it when I want to go out to do something and I have no one to turn to do it with.
It's kind of a loneliness, I suppose, but it's more self-imposed. I push people away left and right when they fail to live up to my high standards of being independent. Annoying me is a one-way ticket to not wanting to be around you and I get annoyed rather easily. What that leaves me is a situation where I know a lot of people, but only slightly and nowhere near well enough to have them in my life as everyday people. It's also lead me to the belief that close friends are a precious commodity to me because I don't have many. I can maybe count on one hand the people who I feel comfortable calling everyday if I had to. More importantly, I have even fewer people I think are comfortable talking to me everyday. I am, admittedly, as my cousin likes to say, a very hard guy to please. I demand my day to be annoyance-free and if you can't live up to that then I have no use for you.
Sometimes on nights like this where I feel like I've estranged everybody I've ever known, I think maybe I've placed myself in an untenable situation. I gave off the impression that people aren't good enough for me when the truth was that I have far too short of a temper. Also, this willingness to do whatever came to mind has led me to make mistakes, to make snap judgments about individuals and to walk out on pretty good friendships because rather than talk it out or discuss my concerns, which would be the rational course of action, leaving the situation became more my style because it was what people would least expect. Heidi was the worst example of this. I stopped being friends with her because she didn't talk enough about my girlfriend at the time. It wasn't because she said something mean about her or disparaged her any way, but because I thought she wasn't interested as much as I'd liked her to be in my relationship. If that is not the stupidest reason to abandon somebody you are close to, then I don't know what it is. But that's what I was like and maybe still am. I let small things bother me enough to take drastic measures.
It might seem like a complaint but I think I'm just taking an honest assessment of my life as it stands now. Instead of screaming at the wind, asking why I no longer go out with friends as much as I used to, trying to blame others for not getting me or understanding me, I know where the blame lays. It's all on me. While I'm an easy person to hang out with once-in-a-while, I'm a hard person to be around all the time.
I'm trying to be more like Rachel and show more patience for others, but I find it rather difficult at times. It's hard for me to say something to patch things up when so much of me wants to say what I'm really thinking, which is that it's the other guy's fault.
I know nights like this aren't what my life consists of day-to-day. There are some weeks where I'm so busy that all I want is a quiet night at home alone, but lately it seems the quiet nights are starting to outnumber the nights with friends. I guess that's starting to scare me that all I have to look forward to is the rest of my life lived out alone, an individual with many acquaintances, but no real friends.
Who knows? Maybe tomorrow somebody will call me up last minute to have dinner at Bubba Gump's or Carly and I will finally settle on a date to shoot that short I've been working on. Maybe tomorrow I'll be inspired to wrap up the last fifteen pages to my screenplay or I'll discover some new diversion. Hell, tomorrow I might even find somebody else that is cool that I can walk away from five months from now. I know this period of introspection can't last forever and that I'm in much better shape now than I was a year ago.
don't ya think that you need somebody
don't ya think that you need someone
everybody needs somebody
you're not the only one
you're not the only one
However, just because you know it can't rain all the time doesn't stop you from wishing it weren't raining now.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
I've always tried to set myself apart from the rest of the crowd. Fitting in was never a high priority for me growing up. I can remember thousands of times where I could have done the "normal" thing or what was expected of me, but instead I chose to do something slightly off-kilter or weird because the idea of conforming just never appealed to me. I don't know if it really stems from being anti-social or just trying to be noticed. I mean--I never had the whole being devestatingly handsome or excruciatingly athletic thing going for me. The only really natural talent I have is for thinking on my feet and being creative, both of which come in handy when you're trying to be funny by doing something off-the-wall or trying to be witty by coming up with a clever non-sequitir or pun. Sometimes I don't even really believe the things I tell people I believe in or I don't really want to engage in some of the illicit activities I have engaged in, but because, ironically, it's expected of me to do the unexpected, I feel forced to always be striving for the next crazy thing. I have that mentality that I've already travelled this far on the reputation of bucking convention at every opportunity, I can't stop now.It's been fun at times up until now. I tend to crack myself up a lot and, upon occasion, I even manage to coax a smile out of friends, family, co-workers, and random strangers. It's a refreshing feeling not to be tied to having to appear civil or restrained. Pretty much any time I think of something, I express it somehow.
However, in recent years, I've noticed a nasty corrolary to this personality trait. I simply have no patience for people who choose more often than not to walk the straight and narrow. I get annoyed with people who lack the carefree spirit to do and say as they please. I see it in many areas. Just last Friday I got upset with my friend for wanting to spend time with family rather than go on a last-minute trip. To be obligated to one's family before what one really wants to do is so far out of my understanding that I was really ticked off. It was enough to ruin dinner for both of us. I see it with people I spend time with who can't spend more time with me because they feel the tiniest bit of awkwardness or embarrassment in having to explain themselves to other people they know. For me, it's always been in my best interest to be friendly with people I think are cool regardless of their particular background, upbringing, circumstances, or living arrangements. For me, when you have to decide whether or not you can be friends with somebody on something other than the content of their character, then you're not being true to yourself. I also notice it when I want to go out to do something and I have no one to turn to do it with.
It's kind of a loneliness, I suppose, but it's more self-imposed. I push people away left and right when they fail to live up to my high standards of being independent. Annoying me is a one-way ticket to not wanting to be around you and I get annoyed rather easily. What that leaves me is a situation where I know a lot of people, but only slightly and nowhere near well enough to have them in my life as everyday people. It's also lead me to the belief that close friends are a precious commodity to me because I don't have many. I can maybe count on one hand the people who I feel comfortable calling everyday if I had to. More importantly, I have even fewer people I think are comfortable talking to me everyday. I am, admittedly, as my cousin likes to say, a very hard guy to please. I demand my day to be annoyance-free and if you can't live up to that then I have no use for you.
Sometimes on nights like this where I feel like I've estranged everybody I've ever known, I think maybe I've placed myself in an untenable situation. I gave off the impression that people aren't good enough for me when the truth was that I have far too short of a temper. Also, this willingness to do whatever came to mind has led me to make mistakes, to make snap judgments about individuals and to walk out on pretty good friendships because rather than talk it out or discuss my concerns, which would be the rational course of action, leaving the situation became more my style because it was what people would least expect. Heidi was the worst example of this. I stopped being friends with her because she didn't talk enough about my girlfriend at the time. It wasn't because she said something mean about her or disparaged her any way, but because I thought she wasn't interested as much as I'd liked her to be in my relationship. If that is not the stupidest reason to abandon somebody you are close to, then I don't know what it is. But that's what I was like and maybe still am. I let small things bother me enough to take drastic measures.
It might seem like a complaint but I think I'm just taking an honest assessment of my life as it stands now. Instead of screaming at the wind, asking why I no longer go out with friends as much as I used to, trying to blame others for not getting me or understanding me, I know where the blame lays. It's all on me. While I'm an easy person to hang out with once-in-a-while, I'm a hard person to be around all the time.
I'm trying to be more like Rachel and show more patience for others, but I find it rather difficult at times. It's hard for me to say something to patch things up when so much of me wants to say what I'm really thinking, which is that it's the other guy's fault.
I know nights like this aren't what my life consists of day-to-day. There are some weeks where I'm so busy that all I want is a quiet night at home alone, but lately it seems the quiet nights are starting to outnumber the nights with friends. I guess that's starting to scare me that all I have to look forward to is the rest of my life lived out alone, an individual with many acquaintances, but no real friends.
Who knows? Maybe tomorrow somebody will call me up last minute to have dinner at Bubba Gump's or Carly and I will finally settle on a date to shoot that short I've been working on. Maybe tomorrow I'll be inspired to wrap up the last fifteen pages to my screenplay or I'll discover some new diversion. Hell, tomorrow I might even find somebody else that is cool that I can walk away from five months from now. I know this period of introspection can't last forever and that I'm in much better shape now than I was a year ago.
don't ya think that you need somebody
don't ya think that you need someone
everybody needs somebody
you're not the only one
you're not the only one
However, just because you know it can't rain all the time doesn't stop you from wishing it weren't raining now.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
posted by mojo shivers @ 11:58 PM
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