I Know People Will Try, Try To Divide Something So Real, So Till The End Of Time I'm Telling You There Is No One

--"No One", Alicia Keys

When I started blogging here I didn't have a purpose. I didn't know what this was going to be, what I was going to write about, or even how long I'd actually keep it up. I went into this without any strict guidelines as to content or character. Originally, from my first few posts, I thought I would be writing mostly music and movie reviews with the occasional rant thrown in for good measure. I mean--I've always been a fan of entertainment and I naturally reviewed CDs, shows, and films when I'm with my friends. It only made sense to make the natural progression of keeping a record of these reviews for posterity.

Then something happened along the way. I started to write less about the world outside and more about my own stories. Instead of finding inspiration in stories told to me, I began to use them as launching pads for my own personal tales of wonder and woe. Instead of merely reporting exactly what I was seeing and hearing, I was continuing the posts into the realm of what it was making me remember or regret. That's when I found out the kind of writing which suits my disposition.

I love writing about myself. I love explaining how I feel and why I feel and what caused me to be the way I am. Yes, I like writing short stories and, yes, I like writing reviews. I even like writing an occasional poem now and then. But the kind of writing I've always had the most fun with, the kind of writing that honestly fulfills me the most is when I can recount a conversation from four to fourteen years ago and be able to figure out what it means to me now. Or, even better, to take something that is happening to me today and show I how was better equipped to process it because of having gone through a similar experience before. I have this need to self-diagnose myself that I had never found an outlet for until I started writing here. It's almost therapeutic, writing here. Not only does it allow me a clear, concise outlet for feelings I'm almost always loathe to share with most people, but it also provides me a means to put some pretty awful stuff behind me. When I write it here, it's almost like I leave it here. Brandy says my sharing it with the world is the way I absolve my guilt; if I can admit it and leave it up for people to read whenever they want, then it's like I'm no longer ashamed of what kind deeds I was capable of or what kind of man I was in my youth.

In this vein and with this attitude I thought I would keep this site wholly personal. I thought the only way it would work is if I limited myself to that subject, namely, me. I didn't ever want to stray too far from personal stories because I thought that was the only way this would turn out to be long-standing endeavor. The minute I started to write about other areas, it didn't seem as fun, and I always returned back to me. This is also why I thought it wouldn't make sense to bring in a co-writer, because then I'd be splitting the attention. This site would cease to function in its newfound purpose.

Then Breanne and I started talking after she had read a few of the first months' worth of posts. She started telling me about how she always wanted to keep a blog herself, but how her busy schedule limited her time to actually throw posts up. That's when I threw the suggestion up as a lark to start writing a few things here. I told her it would give me a chance of not having to write so often and it would give her a chance to keep a semi-blog without the hassle of having writing too often for her. In actuality, this was just after we hadn't been speaking for awhile for various reasons, I really just wanted an excuse to keep in touch with her more often. That's when I found out another reason for this site, to allow she and I to say things to each other that we either neglected to say or never seemed to have the time to say. Rather than try to schedule her in to say something small or rather than waste a phone call basically to ask, "hey remember the time that...?" I could just post stuff up here. That would allow her to reply and in that way we could stay more connected than we had for quite some time.

In both respects, airing my personal grievances and attempting to stay in contact with Miss Holins, I realized this site is less about entertaining the masses and more about keeping me somewhat sane, somewhat grounded. I realized this site is almost 100% egotistical in regards to the fact that almost everything I post up is written for me to read down the road. There are honestly times I forget that people other than myself and Breanne read this. All of this is really vanity disguised as entertainment or education.

So when the question came up of asking my friend Toby to join the site as a contributor I was forced to really think about what california is a recipe for a black hole would turn into should someone else join. I mean--she can write. She can really write well. I find myself re-reading e-mails from her, amazed at how adept she is at expressing herself. And I'm pretty sure she'd be committed to posting when she said she would post. And I don't doubt she would have lots of interesting tidbits to say.

What I doubt is if this site would continue to function as it always has. Should she start writing here, I think it would split the focus. Up until now, it's just been about me and Breanne. But even that made a sort of sense because our lives intersect so much that it's basically one story told from two sides that occasionally branch off in various directions. Yet there was always a core sensibility there. There was always a sense that even when I wrote about something that has nothing to do with her, it would still be informed by her because she is such a daily presence in my life. There was always a sense that anything that took place in my life post-meeting her would be somewhat about her just because she probably was the first person to know. There basically came a point in 1993 where everything that happened to her started to be reflected off me, that everything that happened to me started to impact her life and vice-versa. So when I say I only write about myself, there's really a small distinction in saying that every decision I made which changed my life, pretty much changed her life too. It may not be as big or earth-shattering, but under the unspoken rules of this blog, it was allowed that I could tell my stories and she could tell her stories and neither of us feel cheated. It's a sad fact that a lot of her stories involve me and a lot of my stories involve her.

That's why, even though I love her to pieces, I don't think it would be a good idea to have Toby climb aboard this vessel. I can say that when it's just B. and I, we pretty much sail in the same direction... at least when it comes to what we want this blog to be about. It's about us. This is a record of our stories. If Miss Toblerone started posting here too, it would no longer be that. It'd be a vessel with two captains, with two destinations.

I can't allow that, as interesting as I think it would be to have someone else join.

I have no hesitation in saying this site could go on indefinitely as long as it maintained some semblance of being a record of my life, of Breanne's life, and the juxtaposition between them. But, introduce another element, and I think it would break the precious balance that this site has maintained until now.

Call it selfish, but I kind of feel about this site as I would about my autobiography. It doesn't work if someone else keeps interrupting with their own life story every so often. Yes, that's what this is, it's an autobiography.


no one, no one, no one
can get in the way of what I'm feeling

It's just an autobiography written by two people.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers