I Don't Care If Monday's Blue, Tuesday's Grey And Wednesday Too, Thursday I Don't Care About You, It's Friday, I'm In Love

--"Friday I'm In Love", The Cure

There are days when I don't feel like writing this blog. Hell, there are days when I don't feel like writing or doing much of anything at all. Unlike some people I don't have the benefit of taking an extended sabbatical from this, my "other" job. It wouldn't be much of a personal website if the main architect took a day off. Even though I've cut down my writing here to two or three days out of the week at the most, I still feel obligated to be present everyday to know at all times what is being presented in my good name, both in full or in part.

This way, Breanne is free to have her vacations and Toby's free to contribute as much or as little as she pleases.

The one constant of this site is me.

But, lately, what with the getting ready to move, Thanksgiving, and becoming more involved in my board gaming group, I'm finding my focus in writing consistently wavering. Even today, though I knew I was consigned to produce a post according to our schedule, I postponed and postponed from when I had time at seven and again at eleven till the point that I'm now writing this at close to two in the morning. Add to that the fact that I'm watching The Bourne Ultimatum and listening to Migration by Sambassadeur in the background and you'd get the impression that my heart's just not into writing as much as it used to be. You could be right. Long gone are the days when I used to obsess at work what I'd be writing that day. Long forgotten are the days when these posts and what I wrote here were the highlight of the days.

I've moved on. I've found other ways to occupy my time.

And yet.

I'm not hanging up the towel. I doubt if I ever will. Originally the two reasons for this site were to provide an outlet for my writing impulses and, a few months later, to serve as a conduit between me and Lucy. Lucy and I are on relatively good terms right now so I don't feel particularly pressured to use this as the only means of communication. As for the first reason, that will never go away. There are always going to be thoughts, anecdotes that simply do not fit in the confines of a novel or short story. I'm always going to possess a desire to transcribe my history in confessional form or to process my ramblings in a few short paragraphs. Part of the reason I write so often is the fact that it seems I understand more when I place it down on paper. Something about the structuring, the layering, of a blog post allows me to see the answers to questions I didn't even know I was asking. This site serves far too many purposes for me to abandon it.

This sense of ennui in regards to my continuation of contributing to california is a recipe for a black hole will pass. Very soon I expect I'll hit upon the next great idea and be dying to offer it to all of you. Very soon the sun shall peek its head from among the storm clouds now circling about me. Very soon I'll start writing here like I used to, full of energy and full of ideas. This listlessness can't last forever.

Four years is a long time to do something you don't enjoy. That leads me to conclude that despite everything there is something special at work here. Aside from the opportunity to work alongside my friends (who happen to be very decent writers themselves), it also gives me the opportunity to say a lot of things I wouldn't have the decency to say in real life. Also, I love the fact that other people from time to time find some measure of entertainment or solace here. That's an added bonus I cannot deny provides some sense of acceptance.

Right now I don't feel much like writing much, but like Breanne once said to me when I went through a similar writing block, "When you fall, you get back up, sugar. You don't stop believing in gravity."

When I don't feel I have any words left, like now, I put down the pen for awhile.

I don't break it, never to be used again.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers