And I'm Not My Perspective, Or The Lies I'll Tell You Every Time

--"Absence of God", Rilo Kiley

I was reading earlier today about how Cyndi Lauper did not play "(Goonies R) Good Enough" in concert for almost twenty years. Now the article I was reading didn't get into specifics, but I have a skulking suspicion that it had something to do with her being embarrassed of a song she wrote and performed in her youth. I imagine that she didn't want to be recognized for an effort that, frankly, no longer defined her. I also imagine that it took the two decades for her to acclimate herself to the idea that that particular song was and still is part of who she is as an artist.

It's the same with a lot of us. We earn these reputations for certain traits in our character at a young age. These reputations then follow us around for a good number of years regardless of whether the actual traits themselves persist. For instance, in elementary school people saw me as the strange kid in class, which more or less is a reputation that has dogged me for a good number of years. Now I'm not doubting the validity of such a claim--admittedly, I do have my weird tendencies--but it is a moniker I have never quite been able to shake. Another appellation which has been applied to me is that I only am attracted to young Caucasian girls--most time with the emphasis being on the young part. That too is a legend that I've spent a good deal of time and energy trying to downplay.

It's not shame which prompts my efforts to keep these labels from being spread around. I would have to say that in both cases the labels were apt. However, I would have to further say that they were more true once upon a time than they are now--which is the part that never quite gets added on.

And so, just like Miss Lauper, I just find it easier to not mention either nuances of my character as being real. Upon first meeting, it's not like I'm going to say that I'm the weird guy who has only ever dated young women in their teens, but that would be true. It's just not the image I want people to portray. Most of the time I like people to get to know my other facets before I trot out those deeper parts of me that more often than not have lead to arguments and misunderstandings.

I mean--yes, eventually if I get to know a person enough I tend to let those proclivities come out into the open, but it's not everyone I feel who gets to see me in my entirety. The labels I used to suffer through all the way through high school are ones I tend to like to put behind me because they're not the labels I believe which best define me at this point. They're not the bulletin points I would hit if someone were to ask for a summary of me.

They can't be. What they are are qualities that were once central to my viewpoint once upon a time. But over time their place in my universe got usurped by qualities which became much more prioritized and valued. In the end, who I am can never be entirely summed up by naming all the things I used to be.

Everything that people could say about me--whether it be my obsession with Avonlea to the fact I'm still friends with people almost half my age--are just songs in my catalog. Hearing one isn't going to give you a complete idea of me. It's only when you listen to the entire history of what I've produced that you begin to hear exactly what my "sound" is. And while I won't deny that there are songs I'm prouder of than most, I will say that there isn't a song among the bunch that I would get rid of if I could. Personally, I like who I am at this point. That wouldn't be possible if I attempted to gloss over the more unfavorable songs in my repertoire.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers