There Is A Wait So Long, You'll Never Wait So Long, Here Comes Your Man
--"Here Comes Your Man", The Pixies
"Gosh. There was never an instant where I felt betrayed by anyone. I guess it was more of a choice never to let anyone get the opportunity to do so.
"I mean--I had my chances. I took my shot at surrounding myself with a cadre, like a little child surrounding herself with a blanket. But the blanket never quite felt right. Didn't need or want it. It felt unsettling in the worst kind of way. It felt like I was giving in to what was expected of me rather than what I wanted. That's a feeling that just doesn't become me, I can tell you that much. It's like wearing somebody else's clothes and trying to pretend they fit you.
"Besides, that was always my sisters' deal. They had that popularity vote shored up. That meant I never had the need to compete with them in that area. I was content to let them have it. There's so many other treasures to claim. Why stomp all over their area of interest? We never came up with an explicit agreement to do so, but for the most part we try not to be competitive with each other. We're just not the petty or jealous types. At least I'm not. I was content to let them have that as they were content to not knock me for not wanting it. It's weird how that works, that utter lack of puzzlement at somebody's indifference over that which you hold sacred. You can't make somebody see the rainbow; you can only look for it yourself and only on your own time."
There was a time last year when I got caught in that thunderstorm in Kentucky which almost killed the both of us that I felt it. I felt like discussing that peculiar habit of mine with Toby because it was one of those life and death moments where people truly take stock of their lives, really examine the course their journey has taken them.
We were discussing how people intersect with one another and how strange it is that anyone runs into another human being long enough to make a lasting impression. More specifically, we were ruminating over how, comparatively, she had few people she called friends. She was defending her position, saying that it was more of a choice. She had her close companions. She didn't want for any more.
While I considered myself lucky to be counted among this number, it worried me that she was so jaded at her age. I tried to remember if I was so cavalier at that age. I couldn't remember. All I knew was that, looking at it from the other end of the spectrum, it didn't sit well with me to abandon all hope of being well-liked and respected by a good number of people. I mean--if you gave it your best shot and still ended up with only a few you could count on that would be one thing. But to not even try? That was like saying your character wasn't good enough to warrant any attention whatsoever. You were just a dull, insignificant individual and that was all. It's a shameful attitude to go through life with. Frankly, it made me sad to believe that I was sitting next to someone who disregarded her significance to such a degree.
I didn't go so far as to inquire what was wrong with her, but I did voice my curiosity.
"But you still go to parties, right? I've heard you talk about attending some in the past," I asked.
"Yeah. I'm not a complete introvert. Yet for me the social significance isn't found in who I met or who I attended. I go because it suits me. If I feel up to it, I go. If I don't, I don't. I don't have the desire to be seen or to put in face time with my peers or merely to get out of the house. Socializing like any other activity is best done in moderation and only when there is sufficient bliss to be gleaned from it. If I get the sense that I'm going to uncomfortable, it's just not worth it to me.
"I see these same people. I realize that the manner in which someone acts outside a more formal setting is different than the way she acts in a more formal setting. Once you've seen one side, it isn't difficult to imagine how the other side lives. I know you act like this in a class room. It doesn't blow my mind to realize you cut loose once you're on the outside of boundaries of that same school. We all like to have fun. We all need the company. I just don't think some of us need to have company to have fun all the time. Other people do and that's okay.
"That's just not me.
"Gosh. Case in point. I went to this one get together a few years back. Jack had invited me. In a moment of weakness I acquiesced to his invitation. I hadn't been to a party in a few weeks and I had received notice that I was missed by a few people that I did consider myself close to. Once there, I hung around for a few hours. I laughed. I sang. I gave my best effort to be in-the-moment Toby. I did my best to not postpone joy like I always do. And I must say that I was smiling and I was genuinely happy for those few hours. It doesn't hurt me to be with others. I don't frown on the experience of interaction as much as people give me credit for.
"Yet what I recall most about that night is wandering off with Jack to the back of our mutual friend's house and just looking up at the stars. I recall remarking to him how the whole sky was like a giant waterfall and all the stars misty spray threatening to rain down upon us at any second. And it wasn't because I considered that moment more beautiful or anything; it's because I considered that a genuine moment shared with a person who would understand the significance of the moment as opposed to people who could only take my words at face value. There's a certain serenity of spirit when you can look at the world with a panoramic view instead of a more specific view.
"The party was fun, but it just blended into the dozens of its ilk I've attended. The sky on that particular night from that particular vantage was unique. That was something I was glad to not have missed. That was something I consider myself fortunate to have experienced in its full glory."
take me away to nowhere plains
That was the kind of person Toby is. She always looks for the direct route to satisfying her soul. Often times that takes her away from the things of Man. I always joke with her that in another life she could have been her generation's Walt Whitman. Or maybe she'll be this generation's.
While this doesn't necessarily put her at odds with my own philosophies, it still manages to surprise me at how she can maintain such a distance from society and yet maintain a genuine fondness. But it's more of a fondness a person has who's visiting a zoo rather than the fondness one feels for visiting relatives or old friends. She has this disconnect with the rest of the world that, I guess, works for her. I suppose it gives her the dispassionate viewpoint of someone who sees the world at large but doesn't consider herself a part of it.
I could never do that for while I have anti-social tendencies I still crave what the world has to offer for the most part. I don't consider myself a naturalist like she does so it doesn't matter to me how close I consider myself to nature. People are all I have to feel an affinity towards. I don't have the luxury of taking or leaving society in general. While it's great for me to get way from people now and again--like traveling for four hours in the backwoods of some Kentucky glen while thunder, lightning, and rain come in a torrent all around me--it's nothing I would like to live in.
Some people can find a home in such wonder and splendor.
Me? Eventually it scares me to live life so raw, so close to the bone. I don't think people were supposed to be that enamored of the world at large. There's always that element of being just a bit frightened of one's surroundings that's instinctual about the human experience. People I can figure out. People I can adjust to. There are just some aspects to nature and its awesome power that doesn't elicit respect in me, only abject fear. I doubt I'll ever grow that attuned to what the wind and the water, the sun and the sky have to offer. I mean--I admire the fact that I know a person who can so live her life to the point her moods are affected by the beauty all around her. It doesn't mean I seek to emulate that relationship.
Like Toby says, I have no reason to compete with her in that area. It's one of those differences that lends itself to healthy debate between us, where we each can appreciate the other's viewpoint without having to put it down.
I just know that if shove came to push I would much rather live surrounded by the things of man rather than the things of nature. I reserve the option to escape from the things of man every now and again, but you'll find me more homesick for the trappings of the city than the country.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
"Gosh. There was never an instant where I felt betrayed by anyone. I guess it was more of a choice never to let anyone get the opportunity to do so."I mean--I had my chances. I took my shot at surrounding myself with a cadre, like a little child surrounding herself with a blanket. But the blanket never quite felt right. Didn't need or want it. It felt unsettling in the worst kind of way. It felt like I was giving in to what was expected of me rather than what I wanted. That's a feeling that just doesn't become me, I can tell you that much. It's like wearing somebody else's clothes and trying to pretend they fit you.
"Besides, that was always my sisters' deal. They had that popularity vote shored up. That meant I never had the need to compete with them in that area. I was content to let them have it. There's so many other treasures to claim. Why stomp all over their area of interest? We never came up with an explicit agreement to do so, but for the most part we try not to be competitive with each other. We're just not the petty or jealous types. At least I'm not. I was content to let them have that as they were content to not knock me for not wanting it. It's weird how that works, that utter lack of puzzlement at somebody's indifference over that which you hold sacred. You can't make somebody see the rainbow; you can only look for it yourself and only on your own time."
There was a time last year when I got caught in that thunderstorm in Kentucky which almost killed the both of us that I felt it. I felt like discussing that peculiar habit of mine with Toby because it was one of those life and death moments where people truly take stock of their lives, really examine the course their journey has taken them.
We were discussing how people intersect with one another and how strange it is that anyone runs into another human being long enough to make a lasting impression. More specifically, we were ruminating over how, comparatively, she had few people she called friends. She was defending her position, saying that it was more of a choice. She had her close companions. She didn't want for any more.
While I considered myself lucky to be counted among this number, it worried me that she was so jaded at her age. I tried to remember if I was so cavalier at that age. I couldn't remember. All I knew was that, looking at it from the other end of the spectrum, it didn't sit well with me to abandon all hope of being well-liked and respected by a good number of people. I mean--if you gave it your best shot and still ended up with only a few you could count on that would be one thing. But to not even try? That was like saying your character wasn't good enough to warrant any attention whatsoever. You were just a dull, insignificant individual and that was all. It's a shameful attitude to go through life with. Frankly, it made me sad to believe that I was sitting next to someone who disregarded her significance to such a degree.
I didn't go so far as to inquire what was wrong with her, but I did voice my curiosity.
"But you still go to parties, right? I've heard you talk about attending some in the past," I asked.
"Yeah. I'm not a complete introvert. Yet for me the social significance isn't found in who I met or who I attended. I go because it suits me. If I feel up to it, I go. If I don't, I don't. I don't have the desire to be seen or to put in face time with my peers or merely to get out of the house. Socializing like any other activity is best done in moderation and only when there is sufficient bliss to be gleaned from it. If I get the sense that I'm going to uncomfortable, it's just not worth it to me.
"I see these same people. I realize that the manner in which someone acts outside a more formal setting is different than the way she acts in a more formal setting. Once you've seen one side, it isn't difficult to imagine how the other side lives. I know you act like this in a class room. It doesn't blow my mind to realize you cut loose once you're on the outside of boundaries of that same school. We all like to have fun. We all need the company. I just don't think some of us need to have company to have fun all the time. Other people do and that's okay.
"That's just not me.
"Gosh. Case in point. I went to this one get together a few years back. Jack had invited me. In a moment of weakness I acquiesced to his invitation. I hadn't been to a party in a few weeks and I had received notice that I was missed by a few people that I did consider myself close to. Once there, I hung around for a few hours. I laughed. I sang. I gave my best effort to be in-the-moment Toby. I did my best to not postpone joy like I always do. And I must say that I was smiling and I was genuinely happy for those few hours. It doesn't hurt me to be with others. I don't frown on the experience of interaction as much as people give me credit for.
"Yet what I recall most about that night is wandering off with Jack to the back of our mutual friend's house and just looking up at the stars. I recall remarking to him how the whole sky was like a giant waterfall and all the stars misty spray threatening to rain down upon us at any second. And it wasn't because I considered that moment more beautiful or anything; it's because I considered that a genuine moment shared with a person who would understand the significance of the moment as opposed to people who could only take my words at face value. There's a certain serenity of spirit when you can look at the world with a panoramic view instead of a more specific view.
"The party was fun, but it just blended into the dozens of its ilk I've attended. The sky on that particular night from that particular vantage was unique. That was something I was glad to not have missed. That was something I consider myself fortunate to have experienced in its full glory."
take me away to nowhere plains
That was the kind of person Toby is. She always looks for the direct route to satisfying her soul. Often times that takes her away from the things of Man. I always joke with her that in another life she could have been her generation's Walt Whitman. Or maybe she'll be this generation's.
While this doesn't necessarily put her at odds with my own philosophies, it still manages to surprise me at how she can maintain such a distance from society and yet maintain a genuine fondness. But it's more of a fondness a person has who's visiting a zoo rather than the fondness one feels for visiting relatives or old friends. She has this disconnect with the rest of the world that, I guess, works for her. I suppose it gives her the dispassionate viewpoint of someone who sees the world at large but doesn't consider herself a part of it.
I could never do that for while I have anti-social tendencies I still crave what the world has to offer for the most part. I don't consider myself a naturalist like she does so it doesn't matter to me how close I consider myself to nature. People are all I have to feel an affinity towards. I don't have the luxury of taking or leaving society in general. While it's great for me to get way from people now and again--like traveling for four hours in the backwoods of some Kentucky glen while thunder, lightning, and rain come in a torrent all around me--it's nothing I would like to live in.
Some people can find a home in such wonder and splendor.
Me? Eventually it scares me to live life so raw, so close to the bone. I don't think people were supposed to be that enamored of the world at large. There's always that element of being just a bit frightened of one's surroundings that's instinctual about the human experience. People I can figure out. People I can adjust to. There are just some aspects to nature and its awesome power that doesn't elicit respect in me, only abject fear. I doubt I'll ever grow that attuned to what the wind and the water, the sun and the sky have to offer. I mean--I admire the fact that I know a person who can so live her life to the point her moods are affected by the beauty all around her. It doesn't mean I seek to emulate that relationship.
Like Toby says, I have no reason to compete with her in that area. It's one of those differences that lends itself to healthy debate between us, where we each can appreciate the other's viewpoint without having to put it down.
I just know that if shove came to push I would much rather live surrounded by the things of man rather than the things of nature. I reserve the option to escape from the things of man every now and again, but you'll find me more homesick for the trappings of the city than the country.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Labels: Friendship, Nature, society, The Pixies, Toby
posted by mojo shivers @ 10:05 AM
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