What's Written In Sand Disappears In The Rain, With Life You're Never Sure How Close You Came, It's Turning To Dust, It's Turning To Gold

--"Days", Sambassadeur

I had the opportunity to look through my senior year yearbook yesterday morning. Leafing through, it surprised me how much I've forgotten of those formative years. Every other page had me remarking, "I remember that," in mild surprise. It's remarkable that in seventeen short years I've managed to obscure some of the facets of my life I used to think vital to my existence.

For instance, a lot of pages journal my exploits in campus ministry and public service. I used to be the poster boy for volunteerism and peer guidance. And while I was never overly religious, I believe I was a lot more spiritual in my youth. I even went so far as to meet the former Archbishop Roger Mahoney in recognition of my efforts on behalf of campus ministry. It was a different time and I think I was a lot more centered on believing in something greater than myself even if that concept did not fit the construct of God or some higher power. Having that sort of philosophical foundation used to, at least partly, define who I was.

It's no secret over the years I think I've gotten more self-centered and less concerned with the way fate, fortune, or divine intervention has either assisted or hindered me. I stopped believing that what I did directly affected the world at large and, conversely, what the rest of the world did affected me. Somewhere in the intermittent seventeen years I started changing my world view to be less concerned with how everybody reacted against one another. Somewhere in those years I started to realize that, in the end, what we do only matters to us and whether or not we're happy.

I also noticed how much more involved I was with the school at large. I mean--this ties into the aforementioned point, but it also speaks to how much more active I was in some kind of community. Aside from my friends, I don't really have a group of people I actively seek to enrich. Yet I don't think this is so far out of the norm. Most people my age don't really belong to a collective of people outside their circle of friends. Gone are the days of the sewing circles. I don't know a single person who belongs to a book club. The only people I know of who actually belong to something are people like Lucy who are actually involved in various charities and foundations. Aside from that, I don't think I'm alone is saying people just don't go around joining clubs for the hell of it. Indeed, I would even classify my involvement in my board gaming group benefits me more than my benefiting them. I don't run around actively boosting them--not like at La Salle where I would get involved with activities and truly participate to make the club better for having had me.

I see all the clubs listed below my name in my senior year picture and I can scarcely believe I divided my time helping out so many different groups.

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Marion was talking to me on the phone a few days after she got her senior year yearbook. Everything to her was so fresh and new. A lot of the stuff she was relating to me had only happened a month or even a few weeks prior. It didn't occur to me at the time, but to her she wasn't talking about history yet. Not really. To her senior year was something that was present tense. She still was this person. Those events and activities she talked about were still affecting her, were still helping shape her.

I wonder how long it will take for the present tense to shift to past tense. I wonder how long it will take her to reach the point I am at, where everything that happened in high school stops being an influence on her and only continue to exist as something that molded her once.

I don't know--I'm getting to the point where school in general stops being this great ghost that haunts me. I still have my specters of the past, but they're starting to originate more from my personal persona than my school persona. People always tell you that school and high school specifically changes you forever. Well, it's done it's damage already. I'm starting to see that what happened there can't hurt or help my any more.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers