Summertime And The Livin Is Easy, Fish Are Jumpin', And The Cotton Is High

--"Summer Time", Renee Olstead

Certain activities I've come to expect from my summer. One might say I've gotten spoiled by having the same routine. Some time during May or June I take a trip to visit one of my friends or else take a trip with one of my friends. If it's an even year that trip is usually to Boston; if it's an odd year that trip is usually to a city I've never visited before. Some time during the week before the trip I buy a pack of new socks and underwear (LOL) and I usually pick up the new Dresden Files book to be read during the course of the trip. The week after the trip I usually start going to baseball games in earnest. And some time during the summer I usually stay for a week at Kerri Ray's near Santa Barbara.

But before that I used to have another routine for summer. Back when I was a kid the thing my brother and I used to do was stay over at my cousins' house. They had the pool. They had the "bonus room." Sure, they probably stayed over at our house just as often, but those times aren't as memorable as when we went over there. I suppose that's because it just blends into all the other times I've been at my house. I don't know--there's a big part of me that still associates summer time with being at my cousins' house as much as vacations. They're both synonymous with having a good time with people I like.

I believe this has a lot to do with the fact that I don't really have those long-standing traditions of going away with the guys for a week here and there during the summer season. Even as kids, I always hung out with my school buddies more during the scholastic year than in summer. Summer was more my time and less time to associate with people I associated with school. I admit, a bit of this changed when I got to high school and met people like Dan and Peter. We used to hang out a lot during summer, but it's a testament to my prerogatives that as soon as they moved away, no real plans were ever made to get together during summer. I never took special care just to visit them, just as they never took special care to visit me. In the scope of things summer's always been that personal season, where I go where I want to see who I want.

This summer's been hard for me. Being unemployed has changed a lot of how I view summer. This summer especially was supposed to something special. This summer I was supposed to go see dear Toby graduate. This summer, as a graduation gift, I was supposed to drive her up from Louisville to Boston. This summer I was supposed to take that great unhindered road trip. Part of me believes this is still the reason why she's so stand-offish with me right now. And part of me thinks that combined with how much I've had to change my routine already is making this summer feel off somehow.

I don't get to go where I want with who I want to be with. I feel more trapped at home more than I usually do.

I also believe this has a lot to do with the fact I look forward to my week away all year. It's my one week where I get to explore the rest of this great country that I normally don't get to see. I mean--I love California. However, it doesn't get me any closer to visiting every state before I die by wasting a year without going away. It doesn't get me any closer to seeing a baseball game in as many stadiums as possible. It makes me feel like I've been locked away for at least 2 years now without a break.

But mostly I feel like a wasted opportunity to solidify my ties with Toby. The whole silent treatment has me worried I blew it by not visiting her. Part of me believes that had I visited this year we could have been lifelong friends like Breanne and I are. After all, I visited that one within eighteen months of meeting her. I then visited her again six months later. And I really do think those two visits shored up any doubts that either of us might have been having that the whole friendship was going to work out. If, if, if... I visit Toby next year, that'll be two years since my last visit. The other thing is it will probably take place at Notre Dame, where she won't have the time to pal around like she would have been able to this year. It won't be the same.

I feel like I wasted my opportunity.

I guess that's what going to visit my cousin all those times during those summers long ago. It was what bonded us closer than most cousins do. It's what visiting Breanne during that summer of 95 did; bonded us closer than most people who live on opposite ends of the country are. It's what visiting Tara or Jina or whomever during summer did; it brought us closer together. Because that's what I really think summer is to me; it's a chance to reaffirm friendships that I think may be in need of reaffirming. It's not a time to let them lapse or fade away, which is what I'm afraid what this summer will be remembered as.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers