I Can't Wait To Say All The Things You Can't See, All The Things That Make You Better, 'Cause I Can Say All The Things You Can't See
--"Like U Crazy", Mates of State
Another new week, another Nick Hornby novel to read. This time it's a novel called How To Be Good. This time it's a book centering on what one does when you have to rethink a decision one makes, especially when it comes to sizing another person up. Or, more specifically, according to Wikipedia:
Suddenly, Kate's decision to get a divorce seems ill-conceived in light of her husband's conversion. All the reasons she had to loathe the man seemingly disappear overnight. Consequently, she appears to be malicious for holding onto her stance that the marriage still isn't worth saving. That's the moral dilemma of the book. Is it okay to rethink a decision that's taken years to arrive at when the circumstances change in an instant? And is even such an immediate change possible, or is it more likely an aberration that will soon correct itself?
As aforementioned, I tend to make up my mind on people rather quickly. That's why I could identify with Kate's struggle. It's not easy seeing people in a different light after forming a rock-solid opinion about them. It's in my nature to label people a certain way, good or bad. And it often takes an act of the gods to forsake this original opinion. I too tend to not believe in instant conversions. I too tend to believe that anyone can be on their best behavior for a little while only to settle back into the norm of their character, whatever that is.
People are who they are. With some people it doesn't take long to size them up.
----
I once went out with this girl from Santa Monica in 1997. I remember thinking online how eloquent she was and how much I was looking forward to meeting her. We met up at the Cheesecake Factory near Santa Monica--I believe it was technically closer to Westwood. We ate. We talked for a couple of hours. All in all, she seemed a very pleasant person.
Later she took me back to the condo she was housesitting for/caretaker of. She was kind of a live-in caretaker for a severely retarded teenager. Basically, while she was home (and not in school) she was in charge of feeding, changing, bathing, &c... this kid who couldn't do it for himself. At first it was awkward for me to sit there and watch her do her job. I don't know--I've just never been good with situations where I feel uncomfortable just being a witness. And watching her work just made me realize that I could never do anything remotely close to her job. I would have neither the patience nor the fortitude to be able to do those kind of tasks day in and day out.
What it did, though, was see the girl I was with in a new light. She had that patience. She had that fortitude. She had enough strength in her character to do that kind of job without complaining one bit about the difficulty or the stress it might have been putting on her. You could say that seeing her for those twenty or thirty minutes changed entirely how I saw her. She went from being a decent date to a date that was actually memorable.
Eventually after the twenty or thirty minutes I was there, the kid she was taking care of grew agitated at my presence. She offered to let me go as it would take another hour or two to calm him down. She didn't want me to be bored just sitting there, she said. While I wasn't in any rush to get home I conceded her point.
I left, agreeing that we should definitely meet-up again sometime soon.
Thus, I wasn't surprised when she called me two days later, asking if we could meet-up again. I wholeheartedly jumped at the chance. I mean--I wasn't exactly dying for a date, but it isn't very often that I met people I got along with as well as her. I went driving off with the impression that something special was going to happen that night. Little did I know that would be the last time I would ever see her.
Now, I've been accused of being a little impetuous myself. I've driven ninety miles just to have a fifteen minute fight in person with somebody before. I've flown out to Philadelphia for a week just to meet up with somebody for a day. I've bought things, destroyed things, and stolen things in the heat of the moment. It isn't without merit to say that I get when people are being impulsive. I completely know where people are coming from when they are acting out their passions. Of anyone I know I have the most understanding when people get emotional over something because I've let my emotions get the better of me time and time again.
However, there's a thin line between getting worked about something and just plain going overboard. While I may not be the best judge of what constitutes going over this line, there are some instances that are irreproachably over this line that it defies common sense when certain individuals cannot see for themselves when they've crossed it. Going into that date that night was one of those instances.
When I arrived at the agreed upon meeting place I found it a medium-sized two-bedroom apartment a couple of blocks from the house she was employed at. In the interim between our first date and that night she had asked her friend if she could borrow her apartment for the night. It made sense. There really wasn't any privacy back at the house since, firstly, the boy's parents were home at that time and, secondly, there was no telling when another one of his emergencies might take place. Moving the location to a more private setting seemed like a good idea to me at the time as well.
It was only when I looked closer at the surroundings that my spider senses started tingling. Waiting for me on the kitchen table were all my favorites. I'm not talking about some of my favorites. This girl had gone to the trouble of tracking down and buying everything I'd ever mentioned I liked. From my favorite soft drink (Mountain Dew) to favorite candy (Reese's Peanut Butter Cups), from my favorite sub (Seafood & Crab) to my favorite movie (The Wizard)--She had basically put together an undeniable shrine to the legacy of me. She had meant it as a pleasant surprise engineered to be deeply sweet and, I suppose, kind of romantic.
All I remember, though, was that it scared the crap out of me.
I mean--I'd known this girl all of three days. Yes, I'd told her that I liked everything that was waiting for me on the table. But, no, that doesn't give her my permission to ambush me with it all the second time we met up. Maybe if she had had Mountain Dew and the Peanut Butter Cups I might not have been so put off. Yet taken in conjunction with the movie, the sandwich, the CD, the muffins (chocolate chip), the soup (clam chowder), and the dessert (Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Cheesecake)--it seemed truly obsessive to me. I had heard about people like her. I'd even been accused of being in the same stalker league as her. But until you're staring face-to-face with true craziness you really have nothing to compare it to.
In that instant I formed an immediate and eternal opinion of her. Right or wrong, with one night's worth of effort she severed any emotional connection I might have had for her.
I didn't leave right away. I gave her some time to explain her behavior all away. I waited for her to tell me it was some kind of elaborate joke, that she was only pretending to be that far over on the crazy school. Yet all she did was continue to strengthen my suspicions of her. First, she started talking about how I was the first guy she had dated in almost two years and how great we were getting along. That wasn't so bad. What was bad was how she invited me to go meet her family the next week. That was kind of moving fast, but still in the realm of plain eagerness and not stalker-type behavior. Then she added that her family lived in New York and that she would be willing to pay for me to fly with her over there. That's the kind of crazy talk that I just wasn't prepared for. And if that wasn't bad enough, she then started asking me how soon she could the rest of my family.
In all my life I've never gone out with another girl who wanted to meet my family before two months of knowing me. Wanting to meet my family after two dates is just unheard of. And what's more she would not let the issue go. In the four or five hours I stayed that night she brought up the issue at least six times. Sure, they were introduced in various ways, but there was no disguising that this girl was in a hurry to progress the relationship faster than it had any right to be.
She basically scared me off from wanting to have anything to do with her after that night.
I went to work the next day entirely convinced that I would not be seeing her any more. Sure enough, she left a message on my answering machine that we should meet up the upcoming weekend. Instead of calling her back from work like I had been doing, I decided that I would wait the four or five hours until I arrived back at my house again. That was a mistake on my part. Instead of waiting for me to call her back, she proceeded to leave a total of twenty-two messages on my answering machine in those four or five hours. They ranged from sentiments like she was thinking of me, to her thinking about our trip to New York, to asking about meeting my family again, to finally genuine sadness that I wasn't calling her back right away.
I called her back very upset. I told her that if she had any hope of us going out again she would have to wait for me to call her back. The combination of the last few days, of starting off with such high hopes for her and being so totally let down had just taken their toll on me. I admit, I wasn't very nice to her during that conversation. I'm sure I dropped some F-bombs liberally throughout the conversation. I didn't care. I had had enough of her. At the very end of the conversation, in fact, I believe I told her not to hold her breath for me to even call her ever again.
And for the next three years I proceeded to avoid Santa Monica and its environs on the off-chance that I would bump into her. I didn't need that kind of aggravation. Also, I was just deathly afraid what she was capable of if her disappointment and sadness over me ever turned to thoughts of vengeance and retribution.
----
It's taken me a long time to ascertain the humor in the situation. At the time it happened I was annoyed more than anything else. To me it didn't seem fair that I could be so wrong about a person. I think a part of me was just upset that my initial impression of her had been so incorrect. Up until that point I thought I had good instincts about people I chose to go after. After all, I had been right with Breanne and I had been right with Tara. It just didn't occur to me that everyone I would go out with wouldn't turn out to be an immediate success. I thought, at the very least, it would take months and months of getting to know someone for the inconsistencies between our personalities to shine through.
Now that I look at it, though, that girl might have been crazy and I might not have ever seen her again after that night, but I think I could have been a little more gracious with her. While it's true that one's personality doesn't ever change entirely, that isn't her fault either. She is who she is. I shouldn't have taken out my annoyance with the situation out on her. I'm sure if she could have scaled back her willingness to please she would have, if only not to scare me off.
Yes, I was entirely right about the content of her character being somewhat incompatible with mine, but just because you can see a person's true colors doesn't mean you always know the right course of action. I'm still learning everyday to take those initial impressions I receive about people and to form an appropriate response.
Also, I think I've learned more about what it's like just to want to make another person happy. While I might not ever go to the lengths she went to, I believe I have more empathy for her plight. It's not easy to want something or someone so much you're willing to make these grand gestures. You can never be quite sure if the gestures you make will be completely welcomed until after you've made them. Her only problem wasn't the gesture itself. Her problem was that she made the gesture before she had gotten a complete opportunity to see for herself how I would react.
If there's anything I've gotten to know over the years is that it takes years to feel comfortable with someone to make a grand gesture. More importantly, it takes years to make someone comfortable with you for them to be willing to take a grand gesture for what it is, an undeniable expression of your love for them.
It's not something you can build up to in a day (or three days, as the case may be). And, much like being good, it's not something you can fake your way through.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Another new week, another Nick Hornby novel to read. This time it's a novel called How To Be Good. This time it's a book centering on what one does when you have to rethink a decision one makes, especially when it comes to sizing another person up. Or, more specifically, according to Wikipedia:It centers on characters Katie Carr, a doctor, and her husband, David Grant. Events take a turn when David stops being "The Angriest Man In Holloway" and begins to be "good" with the help of his spiritual healer, DJ GoodNews.
Suddenly, Kate's decision to get a divorce seems ill-conceived in light of her husband's conversion. All the reasons she had to loathe the man seemingly disappear overnight. Consequently, she appears to be malicious for holding onto her stance that the marriage still isn't worth saving. That's the moral dilemma of the book. Is it okay to rethink a decision that's taken years to arrive at when the circumstances change in an instant? And is even such an immediate change possible, or is it more likely an aberration that will soon correct itself?
As aforementioned, I tend to make up my mind on people rather quickly. That's why I could identify with Kate's struggle. It's not easy seeing people in a different light after forming a rock-solid opinion about them. It's in my nature to label people a certain way, good or bad. And it often takes an act of the gods to forsake this original opinion. I too tend to not believe in instant conversions. I too tend to believe that anyone can be on their best behavior for a little while only to settle back into the norm of their character, whatever that is.
People are who they are. With some people it doesn't take long to size them up.
----
I once went out with this girl from Santa Monica in 1997. I remember thinking online how eloquent she was and how much I was looking forward to meeting her. We met up at the Cheesecake Factory near Santa Monica--I believe it was technically closer to Westwood. We ate. We talked for a couple of hours. All in all, she seemed a very pleasant person.
Later she took me back to the condo she was housesitting for/caretaker of. She was kind of a live-in caretaker for a severely retarded teenager. Basically, while she was home (and not in school) she was in charge of feeding, changing, bathing, &c... this kid who couldn't do it for himself. At first it was awkward for me to sit there and watch her do her job. I don't know--I've just never been good with situations where I feel uncomfortable just being a witness. And watching her work just made me realize that I could never do anything remotely close to her job. I would have neither the patience nor the fortitude to be able to do those kind of tasks day in and day out.
What it did, though, was see the girl I was with in a new light. She had that patience. She had that fortitude. She had enough strength in her character to do that kind of job without complaining one bit about the difficulty or the stress it might have been putting on her. You could say that seeing her for those twenty or thirty minutes changed entirely how I saw her. She went from being a decent date to a date that was actually memorable.
Eventually after the twenty or thirty minutes I was there, the kid she was taking care of grew agitated at my presence. She offered to let me go as it would take another hour or two to calm him down. She didn't want me to be bored just sitting there, she said. While I wasn't in any rush to get home I conceded her point.
I left, agreeing that we should definitely meet-up again sometime soon.
Thus, I wasn't surprised when she called me two days later, asking if we could meet-up again. I wholeheartedly jumped at the chance. I mean--I wasn't exactly dying for a date, but it isn't very often that I met people I got along with as well as her. I went driving off with the impression that something special was going to happen that night. Little did I know that would be the last time I would ever see her.
Now, I've been accused of being a little impetuous myself. I've driven ninety miles just to have a fifteen minute fight in person with somebody before. I've flown out to Philadelphia for a week just to meet up with somebody for a day. I've bought things, destroyed things, and stolen things in the heat of the moment. It isn't without merit to say that I get when people are being impulsive. I completely know where people are coming from when they are acting out their passions. Of anyone I know I have the most understanding when people get emotional over something because I've let my emotions get the better of me time and time again.
However, there's a thin line between getting worked about something and just plain going overboard. While I may not be the best judge of what constitutes going over this line, there are some instances that are irreproachably over this line that it defies common sense when certain individuals cannot see for themselves when they've crossed it. Going into that date that night was one of those instances.
When I arrived at the agreed upon meeting place I found it a medium-sized two-bedroom apartment a couple of blocks from the house she was employed at. In the interim between our first date and that night she had asked her friend if she could borrow her apartment for the night. It made sense. There really wasn't any privacy back at the house since, firstly, the boy's parents were home at that time and, secondly, there was no telling when another one of his emergencies might take place. Moving the location to a more private setting seemed like a good idea to me at the time as well.
It was only when I looked closer at the surroundings that my spider senses started tingling. Waiting for me on the kitchen table were all my favorites. I'm not talking about some of my favorites. This girl had gone to the trouble of tracking down and buying everything I'd ever mentioned I liked. From my favorite soft drink (Mountain Dew) to favorite candy (Reese's Peanut Butter Cups), from my favorite sub (Seafood & Crab) to my favorite movie (The Wizard)--She had basically put together an undeniable shrine to the legacy of me. She had meant it as a pleasant surprise engineered to be deeply sweet and, I suppose, kind of romantic.
All I remember, though, was that it scared the crap out of me.
I mean--I'd known this girl all of three days. Yes, I'd told her that I liked everything that was waiting for me on the table. But, no, that doesn't give her my permission to ambush me with it all the second time we met up. Maybe if she had had Mountain Dew and the Peanut Butter Cups I might not have been so put off. Yet taken in conjunction with the movie, the sandwich, the CD, the muffins (chocolate chip), the soup (clam chowder), and the dessert (Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Cheesecake)--it seemed truly obsessive to me. I had heard about people like her. I'd even been accused of being in the same stalker league as her. But until you're staring face-to-face with true craziness you really have nothing to compare it to.
In that instant I formed an immediate and eternal opinion of her. Right or wrong, with one night's worth of effort she severed any emotional connection I might have had for her.
I didn't leave right away. I gave her some time to explain her behavior all away. I waited for her to tell me it was some kind of elaborate joke, that she was only pretending to be that far over on the crazy school. Yet all she did was continue to strengthen my suspicions of her. First, she started talking about how I was the first guy she had dated in almost two years and how great we were getting along. That wasn't so bad. What was bad was how she invited me to go meet her family the next week. That was kind of moving fast, but still in the realm of plain eagerness and not stalker-type behavior. Then she added that her family lived in New York and that she would be willing to pay for me to fly with her over there. That's the kind of crazy talk that I just wasn't prepared for. And if that wasn't bad enough, she then started asking me how soon she could the rest of my family.
In all my life I've never gone out with another girl who wanted to meet my family before two months of knowing me. Wanting to meet my family after two dates is just unheard of. And what's more she would not let the issue go. In the four or five hours I stayed that night she brought up the issue at least six times. Sure, they were introduced in various ways, but there was no disguising that this girl was in a hurry to progress the relationship faster than it had any right to be.
She basically scared me off from wanting to have anything to do with her after that night.
I went to work the next day entirely convinced that I would not be seeing her any more. Sure enough, she left a message on my answering machine that we should meet up the upcoming weekend. Instead of calling her back from work like I had been doing, I decided that I would wait the four or five hours until I arrived back at my house again. That was a mistake on my part. Instead of waiting for me to call her back, she proceeded to leave a total of twenty-two messages on my answering machine in those four or five hours. They ranged from sentiments like she was thinking of me, to her thinking about our trip to New York, to asking about meeting my family again, to finally genuine sadness that I wasn't calling her back right away.
I called her back very upset. I told her that if she had any hope of us going out again she would have to wait for me to call her back. The combination of the last few days, of starting off with such high hopes for her and being so totally let down had just taken their toll on me. I admit, I wasn't very nice to her during that conversation. I'm sure I dropped some F-bombs liberally throughout the conversation. I didn't care. I had had enough of her. At the very end of the conversation, in fact, I believe I told her not to hold her breath for me to even call her ever again.
And for the next three years I proceeded to avoid Santa Monica and its environs on the off-chance that I would bump into her. I didn't need that kind of aggravation. Also, I was just deathly afraid what she was capable of if her disappointment and sadness over me ever turned to thoughts of vengeance and retribution.
----
It's taken me a long time to ascertain the humor in the situation. At the time it happened I was annoyed more than anything else. To me it didn't seem fair that I could be so wrong about a person. I think a part of me was just upset that my initial impression of her had been so incorrect. Up until that point I thought I had good instincts about people I chose to go after. After all, I had been right with Breanne and I had been right with Tara. It just didn't occur to me that everyone I would go out with wouldn't turn out to be an immediate success. I thought, at the very least, it would take months and months of getting to know someone for the inconsistencies between our personalities to shine through.
Now that I look at it, though, that girl might have been crazy and I might not have ever seen her again after that night, but I think I could have been a little more gracious with her. While it's true that one's personality doesn't ever change entirely, that isn't her fault either. She is who she is. I shouldn't have taken out my annoyance with the situation out on her. I'm sure if she could have scaled back her willingness to please she would have, if only not to scare me off.
Yes, I was entirely right about the content of her character being somewhat incompatible with mine, but just because you can see a person's true colors doesn't mean you always know the right course of action. I'm still learning everyday to take those initial impressions I receive about people and to form an appropriate response.
Also, I think I've learned more about what it's like just to want to make another person happy. While I might not ever go to the lengths she went to, I believe I have more empathy for her plight. It's not easy to want something or someone so much you're willing to make these grand gestures. You can never be quite sure if the gestures you make will be completely welcomed until after you've made them. Her only problem wasn't the gesture itself. Her problem was that she made the gesture before she had gotten a complete opportunity to see for herself how I would react.
If there's anything I've gotten to know over the years is that it takes years to feel comfortable with someone to make a grand gesture. More importantly, it takes years to make someone comfortable with you for them to be willing to take a grand gesture for what it is, an undeniable expression of your love for them.
It's not something you can build up to in a day (or three days, as the case may be). And, much like being good, it's not something you can fake your way through.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Labels: How To Be Good, impression, Judging, Mates of State, Santa Monica
posted by mojo shivers @ 4:21 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home