sickness

i am sick
sick
sick

because of the weather

silly rain


washing my strenghts away...... ah the soft realm of a bed....

Nathalie

There is a picture I’d really wanna find back. There are three girls on this picture, two of them standing near a wooden table, facing the camera, and a third one perched on a wooden stool, her head is slightly down, her hair pouring down on her shoulders. Of the blonde girl standing next to me, I have no news since a good 12 years… Of the girl perched on the stool, I just waved her goodbye tonight.

At age 8, the three of us were best buddies ever, almost soul mates. The little blonde one, Sophie, never got on well with the little Brunette, Nathalie, and yours truly was often caught in between. But all in all, when get along well, the way kids do.We had the same dreams, the same fantasy running wild, and the three of us loved unicorns. The stories we created, then lived, made us famous and got us the reputation of “special girls “ (this is the kind rendition). We were gonna marry brothers, and live in twin houses, nothing could separate us, never.

Then life separated us.

As it often does.

I kept contacts with Nathalie the Brunette, however, and despite our lives now so different, I must say that she never, ever forgot me. Never. Up to this day, when she came along and gave my folks and I an invitation for her wedding next September.

She appeared in a simple way, in the courtyard. I was reading a book, perched in a stone, and it took me a while to remember her. Shame, I know. The young lady I had seen a year ago had now grown her hair a bit. How could I forgot her green eyes, I still cannot understand. She said hello, and suddenly all the memories were back at once. It was as if I had seen her about yesterday. So far, yet so close. So close, yet so far.

I feel stupid sometimes, for not being able of linking the people that matter to me, of assuming too fast they forget me, when it’s not. Trust more, and worry less. Because, after worries are gone, all that is left is nothing but void. Friendship is too precious, too fragile to be swept away like this.

I’ll be there on September 15th, and its gonna be Her Day, and I’ll be there to celebrate. I hope I can atone myself for all those years when I lost the contact, for all those years wasted by my fault. She came to me like the friend she has always been, honest and sincere. She shared all my childhood secrets, from saint seya to ghosts stories, from drawings to building treehouses, never judging. She was the brains and I was the happy follower, jumping along her stories like a twin mind. Hey, we even looked alike when kids.

I’ll be the fantasy elf, still dreaming of unicorns, attending the wedding of a princess, radiant in her white gown and castle upon the hill.

Be blessed always, Nathalie 

where is everyone?

=( seems like there's only one person who posts here on a regular basis. have we all gotten busy or we just think our lives are so boring, it's not worth writing about?

or... hahaha, something else? =P

well, as for myself, ahhh, still working part-time. i'm done with summer classes and just waiting for fall and spring sem to happen. after that? hmm, a vacation! i hope i get a vacation.

i feel like i'm trying to make the most of what i have left as an undergrad. it's not like i'll be leaving to grad school after, but... things will drastically change, i think. some of my friends will still be college students, but i'll be working.

after reading things i wrote in highschool and when i entered college, i noticed i changed a lot. but i'm still the same when it comes to certain things. pretty pathetic. but ehh, i hope i get over this one stupid stupid thing by the time i'm 30.

what will i worry about next year? what will i be like next year? will i still be a college student or something else?

even if my grades aren't good, or i don't get paid much, or life gets really really bad, the last thing i'd want to lose is my integrity.

finally!

the past six months for me was hell.

honestly.

i guess it was my turn in my circle of friends to go through all those problems--school problems, personal problems, work problems, whatever. as much as i'm a bit disappointed with my grades, at least i don't have to retake any classes. because of all the things that happened, i realized my limits. i don't feel competent for grad school anymore, and it doesn't really bother me.

i've made up my mind on what to do after college... well, at least half of me has decided.

and the reason why i didn't get a chance to write here as much is because... this blog switched to the "google account" thing, and i was too late to claim my original account.

Studying. Trying To Stay On Top Of Things.

I'm taking a little break from studying for my Physics midterm. But I've got most of The Pillows' discography lined up in the background. God, I love this band. In their early days you could hear heavy influence from The Smiths and The Pixies, and as they progressed, they added more and more loungey acid jazz and Steve Miller style elements, and then BAM! out came, "Please Mr. Lostman" which rocked harder than all their previous albums. They began to turn into this very distinctive alternative rock to which they've stuck to this day. Simply awesome.

Doesn't the cover of "Please Mr. Lostman" vaguely remind you of the basic set to Waiting For Godot by Samuel Beckett? It looked almost the same as the cover of the play... at least the edition I read. By the way, they're not really that old, they're in their early 30's around the time this album was released. But all the more reason for me to think it's a reference to Waiting For Godot. The protagonists are old men.

Oh yeah, I also need to shave and get a haircut. This scruffy bum look won't go over well with my 'rents.

Anyway, back to work.

That's all folks.

how have you been?

i've been asked that question quite a lot these days, and i think, "how have i been?" and i honestly say, "busy." but i'm really thinking, "well, i feel sad."

i miss being able to work on homework an hour before it's due and still get a good grade. these days--work done a week in advance still gets failing marks. X__X what can i say about that? dunno.

but anyway! as much as i look forward to working after i graduate, it'll be a pain--waking up early, not being able to take breaks when i want to, having to please 100 people on a daily basis, going home late. it's quite noticeable to see the stress building up. haha, some people have commented that a few friends have gained weight. they say nothing about me, but i think, "yes, i'm getting fat."

my days feel like 8-to-5 days. not that great. by the time i get home, i don't even want to look at my books. i'm not disciplined when it comes to studying, but i should be. XD

i don't feel so bad that things didn't turn out the way i wanted. but having friends who'll be there--to laugh and cry and argue with XD--is enough to make me happy.

Vitality, Khoomei, Smoking, AntiVirus, Evolution.

copied from my blogger.

I think the exact point in time the youthful vigour disappeared from my eyes was when my 3rd year started. I saw it in everyone else in my class too. All the freshman and sophomores here at UCR are full of vitality and drive. The juniors and seniors all look drained and exhausted, all the time.

Well, I've been spending more and more time practicing Khoomei, or Tuvan/Mongolian Throat singing. Basically it's singing one note in a constricted, striated voice, and modulating the false vocals chords, your tongue, and inside walls of your mouth, to resonate and create a harmonic, perhaps more than one. There's three basic styles, Khoomei(also the name of the throat singing in general), Kargyrra, and Sygyt, each differing by how you create the harmonics. I think overtone singing in general is amazing, but I felt like Khoomei was the place to start.

I broke my promise to myself that I would stop smoking. I had successfully stopped cigarettes since October 10th, 2005. But I bought a pack day before yesterday, three months to the day, oddly enough. I don't know what I was thinking, but fuck... Well, I'll give it another go, after this pack. I'll try wetting the filter, this time.

At the beginning of this school year I installed McAfee security on my laptop. Big mistake. It sucked up so much memory with it's ridiculous number of programs, that there wasn't enough to even operate windows explorer. Closing the programs using task manager would be useless because they would just start up again. Anytime I had to delete a file that was larger than 100 or 200 mb, it would fuck up and freak out. I fucking uninstalled that shit after putting up with it for a whole quarter. Now I use Avira Anti-Vir and everything's peachy. I should be in control of my computer, not the other way around. Take that, you bucket of bolts.

On this other forum I'm a part of, J-Music Ignited, which I joined to keep this wannabe know-it-all in line, people mentioned evolution. "The theory of Evolution." ........ It's not a fucking theory. It is FACT. What's now disputed about it is our own evolution, which is only partially figured out. But that it occurs in nature is undisputable. We witness it on a microscale and macroscale all the fucking time. Humans have slowed the evolutionary process down a bit, with medicine and all, keeping "unfit" individuals alive, but population dynamics should kick in pretty soon, and I think it's going catch up with us, the next big predator being some sort of virus that kills off everything except the individuals who are "fit" in evolutionary terms. Well, it already seems like it's here. Now we just have to wait another few hundred thousand to million years, and see. If we live to write about it.

And that's all folks.