So, I'm Never Gonna Be Just Like I Was, I'm Not Gonna Be The Same, Now I Know That I'm Here, Now I Know

--"But Now I Know", Smoosh

There's a scene at the end of Don't Come Knocking where Skye, as portrayed by the indomitable Sarah Polley, absolutely comes close to breaking your heart without actually doing it. She gives this stirring monologue about how when she was a kid she used to search for similarities between her appearance and that of her estranged father--a wrinkle to a brow, the same bridge to the nose, same tilt to the eyes. She used to search in vain for that connection to him that would give some validity to the fact that he is her father. But as she stands there in front of him, slowly letting go of her hand, she states aloud that there really isn't any connection to be found. She doesn't say it with anger or sadness or even disappointment in her voice. She says it as a statement of fact. The whole movie her purpose was to find a bit of the family she lost when her mother died. She thought she could find that with him, yet by movie's end she realizes he is never going to be her salvation. He is only her dad, after all. She still loves him, but he's never going to be the family that she's searching for.

She stands there, watching him leave, and that's when I realized this is destined to be one of my favorite movies. It isn't so much that it features Sarah Polley, both my favorite actress and who I consider the finest actress of my generation, but that it's full of scenes like this that tweak the usual "man's search for reconnection with loved ones" theme. While I don't think it'll ever be as popular as other movies I've seen, it works for me. It succeeded in tugging at me emotionally when I was merely looking for entertainment. I highly recommend it to anyone who's searching for a movie that doesn't follow along with Hollywood's norms.

And what can I say? Sarah Polley definitely still has it because she gives a very nuanced performance that I'll probably have to see again to make sure I'm not exaggerating its impact. The scene I spoke of above is worth the price of admission alone.


never knew that I was sitting here
waiting for you

I think I've had the same struggles with identifying myself by my family. It's always been a struggle for me to remain independent of the preconceptions that come with being a part of my life. Everything I'm supposed to be according to them I've fought against falling into. That's why I identify with the movie so much, because I'm still at that stage where I'm trying to parse out exactly what kind of person I'm trying to mold myself into. I'm still at that stage where I tend to neglect or even push away the people that are supposed to be closest to me. However, just like the movie, one of my biggest fears is that I'm going to come to a point in my life where I'm going to want them back in my life and discover that I've already burned all my bridges. Everybody thinks they don't need someone until he discovers it's them who don't him any longer.

The film puts the notion of what a family is and how unconditional a family's love truly is to the test. I definitely think it's put into perspective of just how far I can push certain people away before they get the hint and stop pushing back.

I've got to stop thinking about what it is about them I don't like and start looking for the qualities I do admire. I know now I can't be the same because being the same will eventually lead me to a place too far away to return back home when I need to.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers