It's Only In This Light, That I Could See What You'd Be Like, If It Took A Million Years, Well, This Is What I Am
--"Awake", Letters To Cleo
I don't love her. A lot of the time, actually, I don't even like her. We have one of those relationships where it's not imperative for one to see the other for a lengthy period of time. I belive it was January the first time I tried finding out what she was up to and, since that time, I've probably only been out with her less than a dozen times. And it isn't because I think she's a bad person, I simply believe that she's just not the right person for me. And it isn't her fault and it isn't something that can be really changed. With something like that it's usually a black-and-white affair; you're either right for someone or you're not. It would be a mistake to attempt to convince myself otherwise. Not only that, but it'd be unfair to her as well. The amusing aspect of that statement too is that I have a skulking suspicion that she feels the same way too. I wouldn't want to introduce her to any more friends than I already have because she has a tendency to be rather off-putting and I don't think she's too keen on the idea of parading me around as well--not after the last time I made a scene in front of her brother. We're both okay with that.
What I have qualms about and what's worrisome is the idea that anyone, especially me, can continue to enjoy my time with someone who I truly don't see a future with. I was never meant to be a casual dater. I've never been one until now. I've always been the individual who rushed into relationships and pushed them as far as they would go as quickly as they would go. I would always be the one, as Amber and I discussed the other day, to casually bring up again and again the prospect of being boyfriend/girlfriend. I would always be the one pressuring the girl I was with at the time to clearly delineate what stage of the relationship we were at. I didn't ever like being in the murky morass between feelings of kinship and feelings of a more romantic nature. It bothered me. I've never been one to feel comfortable being out of the loop on something and to compound that with being unclear as to how somebody felt about me bordered on just about lethal. The need for specificity in all areas has always been one of my less than endearing qualities.
What's also worrisome is the fact Kerri Ray was always, always the young woman I wasted copious amounts of time trying to figure out how to get her to notice me at work. Shyly, introspectively, there I would sit not even ten feet away from her and I could never work up even the slightest hint of how much I wanted to see her outside of work into the few, brief conversations I would have with her everyday I saw her. Granted, there was the fact that she had just began college and I had already been almost four years graduated. But it was more than that. It was more of the fact that people with a certain extraordinary beauty always intimidate me. When you combine this with the fact there's a good chance she's a great deal more intelligent than I am, it makes for someone I always thought was approachable. I tend to think that was part of her appeal, that she seemed way too good for me, was never more than politely pleasant, but otherwise never gave me the time of day. I had the whole placing her on a pedestal aspect that always comforted me when I thought I could just walk over to her and ask her to lunch or dinner. The fact that she would probably have said no only made her more appealing because it proved that she really was too good for me. If somebody would have informed me that in five or six years time I'd be seeing her socially and yet be rather indifferent as to whether or not things were progressing, I would have labeled them as insane. The status of being able to call her up and hang out with her was one I always thought I would be more appreciative of once I was in it, and definitely not take for granted.
What I've come to learn is this. She's not perfect, not even close. She's opinionated, she's altogether too forthright in injecting her own thoughts into every conversation, she's domineering, and she's way too often in love with the sound of her own voice. Basically, it boils down to the fact she's mean and smug. All of those are qualities you don't really glean from a person you never talk to so it's no wonder that I never noticed them while I was working with her. To me, she seemed to have a rather casual manner about her. She never seemed as uptight as I've come to learn she really is.
Don't mistake me--she still has far more outstanding and endearing qualities than derogatory ones. She has a dedication and a commitment to her pursuits that is unmatched. She knows how to express herself eloquently and does have a knack for logical persuasion that I've never heard in any other person I've known. Most importantly, she can be kind and considerate and a half dozen other qualities I pegged her for back in 2000. Is it her usual m.o.? No. But it's the idea that has the capacity for the small niceties in life that allow me to remain relatively close with her. I mean--we're all evil in some ways. Myself, I've done tons of rather unpleasant and mean acts I am none too proud of. I don't think I could be with someone if they were all good and I don't think I could remain close with Kerri Ray if she was all evil too. I don't fault her for her faults because at least she's upfront about them and she never tries to excuse or explain them away. She knows her weaknesses and she's never tried to hide them.
The way I see it is that I can like somebody romantically without having to fall deeply and completely in love with them. Every relationship doesn't have to change the world and it doesn't always have to be leading somewhere. It'd be nice if they all did so as not to give the impression that I've been wasting my time, but it merely isn't true. The truth is she has glaring qualities that exclude me from ever wanting to pursue anything further than what we have now. What's more, in five or ten years, I don't really see her coming around or mellowing out. She shouldn't have to either. She should be free to be whatever kind of person makes her happiest. At twenty-three, there is still some hope that in maturity she'll gain some perspective that you can't treat everyone in the same cold, direct manner and expect them all to remain friendly. Yet she's not hurting for friends and I still manage to like her a good deal most of the time so she's not completely hopeless. However, I know the likelihood is that a decade from now she'll still be that same overbearing, yet impressive, woman I know her to be. That's just not a future I want to look forward to. What I'm looking for and what she is are not compatible, plain and simple.
Maybe it's the fact she's older or that I'm older that I've gained this insight. Back when I was twenty-five and hadn't yet lived with someone or considered marrying someone, I honestly thought you could tell who you were going to be with just by looking at them. The whole concept of love at first sight appealed to me. Whenever I looked at her and found out more about her, I thought she was absolutely perfect for me. The whole getting-to-know-you process seemed like a formality rather than a necessity.
But after living with DeAnn, I realized something. You can love everything about a person and still not get along with them, still not be able to live with them, and still end up hating them eventually. Just because something looks good on paper doesn't always mean it'll look good in actuality. Also, just because something looks good in the beginning, doesn't always mean it'll end that way. More often than not, it won't.
I think Kerri Ray has taught me the opposite. She taught me you can hate a good deal about someone's personality and still manage to like them as a person. She taught me that simply because I can rattle off a laundry list of character faults about a person doesn't mean that you have to dislike them as a person. There's a lot to be said about chemistry. On paper, she doesn't look like somebody I would want to know, but in real life I'm actually proud of the fact I do know her somewhat. It proves to me that I've matured in at least one aspect of my life because I know five years ago if I had found out she was as mean as she was, there is no way I would want to see her ever again. Now, if anything, I think it's rather endearing. I always joke she's like the Archie Bunker type. She has all these qualities that would be offensive in other people, but she manages to make them part and parcel of her charm. I stopped thinking about her being this deliberately mean-spirited individual and saw her for what she is. Whereas most people couch what they're feeling in terms of being nervous or shy, every time she comes across an uncomfortable or potentially awkward or embarrassing feeling she tends to couch in terms of anger. It's just her way. That's why most of the time I don't hold it against her because a good deal of the time she's acting out it's because she's scared or nervous or embarrassed. It would be a different story if I ever thought she truly was malevolent from head to toe. As it is, I've gotten rather used to her moods and I still like what I see.
you're awake and
i'm asleep and we are so complete that way
No, I don't love her and, yes, there are times where I don't like her a lot, but I still believe she's worth something to me. I have a stake in seeing her happy and she tends to make me smile more than frown. Because of that I still look forward to seeing her, however often that may be, and I'm confident of the fact that five or ten years from now she'll still be in my life somehow. She's Kerri Ray after all, and that's saying a lot.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
I don't love her. A lot of the time, actually, I don't even like her. We have one of those relationships where it's not imperative for one to see the other for a lengthy period of time. I belive it was January the first time I tried finding out what she was up to and, since that time, I've probably only been out with her less than a dozen times. And it isn't because I think she's a bad person, I simply believe that she's just not the right person for me. And it isn't her fault and it isn't something that can be really changed. With something like that it's usually a black-and-white affair; you're either right for someone or you're not. It would be a mistake to attempt to convince myself otherwise. Not only that, but it'd be unfair to her as well. The amusing aspect of that statement too is that I have a skulking suspicion that she feels the same way too. I wouldn't want to introduce her to any more friends than I already have because she has a tendency to be rather off-putting and I don't think she's too keen on the idea of parading me around as well--not after the last time I made a scene in front of her brother. We're both okay with that.What I have qualms about and what's worrisome is the idea that anyone, especially me, can continue to enjoy my time with someone who I truly don't see a future with. I was never meant to be a casual dater. I've never been one until now. I've always been the individual who rushed into relationships and pushed them as far as they would go as quickly as they would go. I would always be the one, as Amber and I discussed the other day, to casually bring up again and again the prospect of being boyfriend/girlfriend. I would always be the one pressuring the girl I was with at the time to clearly delineate what stage of the relationship we were at. I didn't ever like being in the murky morass between feelings of kinship and feelings of a more romantic nature. It bothered me. I've never been one to feel comfortable being out of the loop on something and to compound that with being unclear as to how somebody felt about me bordered on just about lethal. The need for specificity in all areas has always been one of my less than endearing qualities.
What's also worrisome is the fact Kerri Ray was always, always the young woman I wasted copious amounts of time trying to figure out how to get her to notice me at work. Shyly, introspectively, there I would sit not even ten feet away from her and I could never work up even the slightest hint of how much I wanted to see her outside of work into the few, brief conversations I would have with her everyday I saw her. Granted, there was the fact that she had just began college and I had already been almost four years graduated. But it was more than that. It was more of the fact that people with a certain extraordinary beauty always intimidate me. When you combine this with the fact there's a good chance she's a great deal more intelligent than I am, it makes for someone I always thought was approachable. I tend to think that was part of her appeal, that she seemed way too good for me, was never more than politely pleasant, but otherwise never gave me the time of day. I had the whole placing her on a pedestal aspect that always comforted me when I thought I could just walk over to her and ask her to lunch or dinner. The fact that she would probably have said no only made her more appealing because it proved that she really was too good for me. If somebody would have informed me that in five or six years time I'd be seeing her socially and yet be rather indifferent as to whether or not things were progressing, I would have labeled them as insane. The status of being able to call her up and hang out with her was one I always thought I would be more appreciative of once I was in it, and definitely not take for granted.
What I've come to learn is this. She's not perfect, not even close. She's opinionated, she's altogether too forthright in injecting her own thoughts into every conversation, she's domineering, and she's way too often in love with the sound of her own voice. Basically, it boils down to the fact she's mean and smug. All of those are qualities you don't really glean from a person you never talk to so it's no wonder that I never noticed them while I was working with her. To me, she seemed to have a rather casual manner about her. She never seemed as uptight as I've come to learn she really is.
Don't mistake me--she still has far more outstanding and endearing qualities than derogatory ones. She has a dedication and a commitment to her pursuits that is unmatched. She knows how to express herself eloquently and does have a knack for logical persuasion that I've never heard in any other person I've known. Most importantly, she can be kind and considerate and a half dozen other qualities I pegged her for back in 2000. Is it her usual m.o.? No. But it's the idea that has the capacity for the small niceties in life that allow me to remain relatively close with her. I mean--we're all evil in some ways. Myself, I've done tons of rather unpleasant and mean acts I am none too proud of. I don't think I could be with someone if they were all good and I don't think I could remain close with Kerri Ray if she was all evil too. I don't fault her for her faults because at least she's upfront about them and she never tries to excuse or explain them away. She knows her weaknesses and she's never tried to hide them.
The way I see it is that I can like somebody romantically without having to fall deeply and completely in love with them. Every relationship doesn't have to change the world and it doesn't always have to be leading somewhere. It'd be nice if they all did so as not to give the impression that I've been wasting my time, but it merely isn't true. The truth is she has glaring qualities that exclude me from ever wanting to pursue anything further than what we have now. What's more, in five or ten years, I don't really see her coming around or mellowing out. She shouldn't have to either. She should be free to be whatever kind of person makes her happiest. At twenty-three, there is still some hope that in maturity she'll gain some perspective that you can't treat everyone in the same cold, direct manner and expect them all to remain friendly. Yet she's not hurting for friends and I still manage to like her a good deal most of the time so she's not completely hopeless. However, I know the likelihood is that a decade from now she'll still be that same overbearing, yet impressive, woman I know her to be. That's just not a future I want to look forward to. What I'm looking for and what she is are not compatible, plain and simple.
Maybe it's the fact she's older or that I'm older that I've gained this insight. Back when I was twenty-five and hadn't yet lived with someone or considered marrying someone, I honestly thought you could tell who you were going to be with just by looking at them. The whole concept of love at first sight appealed to me. Whenever I looked at her and found out more about her, I thought she was absolutely perfect for me. The whole getting-to-know-you process seemed like a formality rather than a necessity.
But after living with DeAnn, I realized something. You can love everything about a person and still not get along with them, still not be able to live with them, and still end up hating them eventually. Just because something looks good on paper doesn't always mean it'll look good in actuality. Also, just because something looks good in the beginning, doesn't always mean it'll end that way. More often than not, it won't.
I think Kerri Ray has taught me the opposite. She taught me you can hate a good deal about someone's personality and still manage to like them as a person. She taught me that simply because I can rattle off a laundry list of character faults about a person doesn't mean that you have to dislike them as a person. There's a lot to be said about chemistry. On paper, she doesn't look like somebody I would want to know, but in real life I'm actually proud of the fact I do know her somewhat. It proves to me that I've matured in at least one aspect of my life because I know five years ago if I had found out she was as mean as she was, there is no way I would want to see her ever again. Now, if anything, I think it's rather endearing. I always joke she's like the Archie Bunker type. She has all these qualities that would be offensive in other people, but she manages to make them part and parcel of her charm. I stopped thinking about her being this deliberately mean-spirited individual and saw her for what she is. Whereas most people couch what they're feeling in terms of being nervous or shy, every time she comes across an uncomfortable or potentially awkward or embarrassing feeling she tends to couch in terms of anger. It's just her way. That's why most of the time I don't hold it against her because a good deal of the time she's acting out it's because she's scared or nervous or embarrassed. It would be a different story if I ever thought she truly was malevolent from head to toe. As it is, I've gotten rather used to her moods and I still like what I see.
you're awake and
i'm asleep and we are so complete that way
No, I don't love her and, yes, there are times where I don't like her a lot, but I still believe she's worth something to me. I have a stake in seeing her happy and she tends to make me smile more than frown. Because of that I still look forward to seeing her, however often that may be, and I'm confident of the fact that five or ten years from now she'll still be in my life somehow. She's Kerri Ray after all, and that's saying a lot.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
posted by mojo shivers @ 2:44 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home