I Want You To Notice, When I'm Not Around, You're So Fuckin' Special, I Wish I Was Special
--"Creep", Radiohead
speaking of presents...
whatever makes you happy
I really wish I was half the person she used to believe I was back then. I really wish I could have lived up to her ideal picture of me. But I shattered that image a long time ago.
I always have two questions when I read old letters from Jina. How did I ever let things get so awful between us and what can I do now to repair it? The only answers I can come back with are "I don't know" and "probably nothing." It's a sad state of affairs when you make a mistake but don't realize it until years later. That's what I always feel like when thinking about her. I know what I did wrong and probably should have recognized it at the time, but only came to my senses about five years later when I was rummaging through old stuff of hers (basically everything that wasn't burned).
Is that really karma though? Did I really put enough negative energy out there that I should be subject to this? That's another question I ponder. Sometimes I have the thought that if I had had the ability to let things go more back then she and I might have enjoyed the relationship that Breanne and I continue to have to this day. If I had let the hurtful and angry feelings lay dormant and not acted on them, things could have been different. After all, you receive what you put out. At that time I was generating tremendous amounts of belligerent intentions. I wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt me. No other thought consumed me. I should have known that it would come back to me threefold.
Another school of thought is that all of it was pre-ordained. She and I ran the course we were always supposed to. I was always meant to put up a wall between us and she was always meant to move on. That view certainly lets me sleep better at night.
However, I know the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I think the truth is that I probably broke what was always a fragile friendship to begin with. We certainly had the odds stacked up against us. I think, yes, someday we might have drifted apart as most friends do. We would have stopped connecting eventually. She would have moved on with her life and I, with mine. We would have ended on good terms, but we still would have ended. It would have been, as Jenny says, the slow fade of love. Instead, I turned that trickle into a great deluge and overwhelmed the issue. That's what keeps me up at night, the fact I hastened the inevitable when there were probably a few more good years left in it yet.
And the only thing that allows me to sleep somewhat comfortably is the thought in 1994 I had a friend that was this thoughtful and sweet.
Well, that and Dr. Seuss' The Sleep Book.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
speaking of presents...16/12/94
I just couldn't help it! It was too perfect! I remember the book from when I was a kid (and so does my mom--augh!!), and it was just so great--I had to buy a copy and mail it to you! =) (Such a hard decision--new Holocaust book or Dr. Seuss for Patrick... humour won!)
Follow the instructions carefully (they aren't hard--just one word--SLEEP! =)). Funny poetry on sleeping for Patrick...
hmmm...=)
(Mom says note the "Collapsible Frink"--her maiden name is Frink =), but I assure you, she looks nothing like that! It's 10 times more horrible! (Ssh! Don't tell!))
Forgive my sarcasm... okay, don't forgive it. It's just a fun though!
Sleepy Smiles,
Jina (on a good penmanship day!)
whatever makes you happy
I really wish I was half the person she used to believe I was back then. I really wish I could have lived up to her ideal picture of me. But I shattered that image a long time ago.
I always have two questions when I read old letters from Jina. How did I ever let things get so awful between us and what can I do now to repair it? The only answers I can come back with are "I don't know" and "probably nothing." It's a sad state of affairs when you make a mistake but don't realize it until years later. That's what I always feel like when thinking about her. I know what I did wrong and probably should have recognized it at the time, but only came to my senses about five years later when I was rummaging through old stuff of hers (basically everything that wasn't burned).
Is that really karma though? Did I really put enough negative energy out there that I should be subject to this? That's another question I ponder. Sometimes I have the thought that if I had had the ability to let things go more back then she and I might have enjoyed the relationship that Breanne and I continue to have to this day. If I had let the hurtful and angry feelings lay dormant and not acted on them, things could have been different. After all, you receive what you put out. At that time I was generating tremendous amounts of belligerent intentions. I wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt me. No other thought consumed me. I should have known that it would come back to me threefold.
Another school of thought is that all of it was pre-ordained. She and I ran the course we were always supposed to. I was always meant to put up a wall between us and she was always meant to move on. That view certainly lets me sleep better at night.
However, I know the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I think the truth is that I probably broke what was always a fragile friendship to begin with. We certainly had the odds stacked up against us. I think, yes, someday we might have drifted apart as most friends do. We would have stopped connecting eventually. She would have moved on with her life and I, with mine. We would have ended on good terms, but we still would have ended. It would have been, as Jenny says, the slow fade of love. Instead, I turned that trickle into a great deluge and overwhelmed the issue. That's what keeps me up at night, the fact I hastened the inevitable when there were probably a few more good years left in it yet.
And the only thing that allows me to sleep somewhat comfortably is the thought in 1994 I had a friend that was this thoughtful and sweet.
Well, that and Dr. Seuss' The Sleep Book.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Labels: 1994, Jina, Karma, The Sleep Book
posted by mojo shivers @ 12:11 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home