One, Two, Three, Four, Tell Me That You Love Me More, Sleepless, Long Nights, That Was What My Youth Was For

--"1234", Feist

I was invited tomorrow to a party where I won't know a single person. It's totally informal and casual. I'm not expected to stay and it won't be rude if I decide to leave early, but I'm still nervous about it. It's been awhile since I went anywhere where I didn't at least know one person pretty well. I'm not a complete wallflower, but I'm not comfortable anywhere unless there is one person I know I can always come back to should everyone else fail to hold my interest. I've never needed a huge group of friends--usually I do fine with a small circle. It's going to be an interesting experience to see if I have the cajones to actually mingle without a net for once.

It's weird. The last time I experienced a situation like this was going to my job at Bally's when I was invited to come hang out with some of co-workers after work. My previous jobs I was never close enough with anyone to be invited past work hours. I pretty much had my work friends and my real world friends. Never did the twain meet. Yet at Bally's, I took an instant liking to all of them so it didn't feel weird after the second day in the specialty group to come hang out with them at the local BJ's. I didn't know what they were all like outside of work... but I was willing to give it a shot. As it turned out, everything went smoothly. I continued to get along with them just as well out-of-work as I did in the office. It's something that still amazes me to this day because I have never found another group of office buddies that the same dynamic holds true with. Even with Crown Books, I only hung out with one guy and one manager, but the dynamic was different in and out of the office.

That has a lot to do with me. I act differently when I'm nervous. And I get nervous when I'm singled out. When everybody is just joking around and I'm just blending into the group, I feel fine. I act fine. But when there's an impetus for me to be charming and graceful on the spot, I tend to lock up. It's a natural reaction. There are some people who can command the party, people like Breanne who naturally get along with everyone. Then there are people like Toby who freeze up in large groups no matter how friendly people are. I fall somewhere in the middle. As long as I have that small group I know... it doesn't matter how large the rest of the group is.

That's why I think this party might be good for me. It's been awhile since I've worked without the net, and I'm eager to see if I've learned a trick or two since I was young. I'm betting on with a little more experience on these bones, I've begun to handle myself with more comportment and grace. Sure, I'm still nervous, but I'd like to think this won't be the debilitating fright that kept me from going to boy-girl parties in junior high. I'd like to think this won't be the self-deprecating humility that caused me to turn down office parties at other office jobs.

While I'm far from the social butterfly that people I know are, I'm not that person that I was in my teens either.

I'm thinking the very fact I'm writing about this here rather than staying up all night fretting about says a lot about how I process concerns here. This site has been a very acute confessor where before I didn't always have one. The fact I can just write something here without having to concern Breannie about it, without having to concern one of my cousins about, without even having to consider canceling, speaks to the effect that getting something off your chest has.



Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers