Used To Believe In A Lot More, Now I Just See Straight Ahead, That's Not To Say I Don't Have Good Times, But As For My Days, I Spend Them Waiting

--"Science vs. Romance", Rilo Kiley



When I was in grade school I remember this kid named Jimmy writing a poem comparing life to a video game. We were all supposed to have been taking our first stabs at writing poetry. I forget what I wrote about; it might have something to do with feeding pills to dogs. Actually, most of what the class was writing was really forgettable. Jimmy's poetry was different. It was cynical and sophisticated. It really utilized the imagery of the day to convey a sense of ennui that you hardly ever find in someone that young. I don't know if he was writing from a genuine experience or if he was postulating how he would feel when he grew older, but it was very a complex range of emotions to put across so effectively.

As I've gotten older and had time to ruminate on the subject of life and growing, I've come to the opinion that it isn't like a video game. If anything, life is like a board game, specifically a Euro-style board game. Board games of that type can be characterized by a few things. One, their non-direct competitiveness. You're not going to find one person smashing the other like in Risk. Two, an emphasis placed on gameplay mechanics over theme almost to the point of abstraction. Three, and most importantly, the idea that you need to do A, B, C, & D to win, but having only the opportunity to do one each turn, whereby the chances to get around to the other requirements slip further and further away. Instead of the idea that life is comprised of all these instantaneous decisions amidst all the action and excitement of day-to-day existence, the older I get, the more I find it's a game of waiting. Life to me right now is an exercise in biding my time until what I want to happen can happen. Rather trying to fill up my time with pointless exchanges or irrelevant activities, I'm much more prone to days of doing nothing punctuated by a day or two of accomplishing something meaningful or truly enjoyable.

Think about it. I don't go out often with people--not as much as I used to in high school or college at least. But it isn't that I don't like going out; it's just that I've cut down on all the superfluous times going out just to go out. I'd much rather only attend the times that I can be with people whose company I find enlightening or enchanting. I'd much rather wait for occasions that are actually of some import rather than it just being the upcoming Friday or Saturday of that week. I suppose I have less to prove when it comes to living the semi-party lifestyle.

Or my whole waiting for Breanne crutch. I don't feel overly concerned that I'm not out there dating every day of the week. I'm perfectly content waiting for the right one.

Yet still, in keeping with my board game motif, I have fears that there's whole checklist of things that I'm waiting for that I know I'm never going to get around to accomplishing. I can't do it all. I know that now. Yet for me to feel any bit successful would mean accomplishing everyone of my tasks. Anything short of that would start to feel like I'm losing at this game. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to tally up my shortcomings rather than my victories. I'm sure that isn't healthy, but it's honestly what runs through my mind right now. What can I still cross off my list before I die and what can I afford to jettison should the timer starting edging closer to zero? That's how I have to see things now because, otherwise, I feel the enormity of all these dreams I had as a kid crushing me underneath the weight of failure.

For instance, I've been going out to board game meetings lately because I've always had an affinity for board games. Also, it's been one of my more off-the-wall goals to have a board game published. Until I've now shied away because I've always thought it really geeky and I've kind of been ashamed to admit how much of a closet board game geek I really am. But no more. Just from the last few weeks of going all day to these things, I can't tell you how much I enjoy the experience of being able to play with other people who share a passion for the same hobby. I actually regret not trying one of these meetings out sooner. To give you an indication of how I wrapped up I get during these meetings, I usually eat breakfast before I go. But then I don't eat again until I'm already coming home--sometimes ten or twelve hours later. It isn't because I ignore my hunger or that I don't want to be rude to leave for lunch in the middle of a game. I actually forget to eat, so wrapped am I in playing, an occurrence that hardly ever happens.

That's just one of the things I wished I had gotten around to doing before now. I think I would have been a lot happier had I just gone with my instincts and not let the idea that it was somehow beneath me overshadow my curiosity. That's one thing I didn't need to wait for and one thing had I gotten around to before now could have probably allowed more avenues for other tasks that I needed to accomplish.

I should have been bolder in that aspect and let other areas that never really interested me fall to the wayside. That's another aspect of euro games I like. You don't lose by another person taking advantage of you. You lose because you prioritized wrong; you did A instead of B. You lose because you thought you had the cards to do one strategy, but you were better suited to doing another. That was me. I thought I knew what I liked, but it was mostly my concentrating too much on what I thought I should like. I focused too much on making my weaknesses more manageable, when I should have been going full-bore with my strengths. My strengths have always been in dealing with stuff that combines imagination with logic. I've never been one thing or the other. I've always written best when I not only could picture what the characters were like, but their motivations as well. I've always been equally adept at writing stories as well as creating games of skill.

The games especially I have neglected for too long. When I think about all the boring functions I went because somebody thought I might like it when my instincts were telling me I already didn't, I realize how many more of what I like I could have done. I'm not talking about the times somebody recommended I might actually like. I'm talking about the times I had no business being somewhere and still went because I was trying to impress something or thought I could change to make them like me better.

That's why I like this waiting concept better. Instead of feeling the urge to ride every wave that comes my way like I used to, I'm going to choose to only invest my time in those waves that are actually exciting to me.

I mean--I do it with my steak. I only eat steak three or four times a year. I only eat it when I can get to a premier steakhouse. I don't see the point in doing something I enjoy if it can't be completely enjoyable. There's a countdown to each and every one of our lives. You don't know how many turns you have left, but you know you don't have enough to accomplish everything you've set before you. The best you can do is get to accomplishing those things you best enjoy and let the rest fall away.

You've waiting long enough and your turn's coming up. How do you want to play it?

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers