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Monday, February 04, 2008

Cross Off All The Ways I Failed You, 'Cause I Failed You, But I'm Still In Your Blood, You're Still In My Blood

--"Bitches in Tokyo", Stars

My mom insisted when I first visited Breanne that I had to take a small gift over for her and her family. Oblivious me, I thought everything was fine with a firm handshake or hug at the door. Sometimes I miss the small niceties that make everything run smoothly. That's why I had to pick out something last minute to serve as a gift for her and her parents. I don't know what some people think of when they think of safe, appropriate gifts for people you're meeting for the first time and who you want to impress. Some people might think of a bottle of wine or perhaps a nice coffee table book. Me? I think of a nice intellectual game because I'm a game geek at heart.

When I first presented Breanne with the Mahjong gift set, she screwed up her face and asked me what it was. Her parents, for the most part, let their daughter satisfy their own curiosity as they politely smiled and thanked me for the gift. I pulled out the tiles for them, showed them the intricate engraving and painting that went into every tile, and I let them know it was a fun, little game that I'd been playing for half of my life up until that point. That's when I let them know that it was my intention to teach them how to play after dinner that first night. I was excited. I don't know how everyone else was feeling since they might have been only polite on my account, but they seemed to be looking forward to learning too.

I went into the trip with a lot of ideas as to what would happen. I had many scenarios playing out in my head about how I would act, how she would act, and what exactly the point was in coming out. I had told myself that it was an opportunity to get to know her better, but that was only the start of it. It was clear I was hoping for more, yet trying to steel myself for a lot of disappointment. I had recently come back from a trip a couple months prior that had gone as expected. It had still been nice, but it left me with the sinking feeling that I set myself up for disappointment every time I envisioned a trip being more than it actually was. I was determined to let go of whatever preconceptions I had about the trip and let it live on its merits. I foresaw a relationship with her that lasted for awhile and I knew the quickest way was to speed things along too quickly. I needed to take things slow. I needed to feel certain things out before I came off as impatient or, worse yet, pushy. I wanted to get to know her and I thought Mahjong was the perfect icebreaker, especially since it got her parents involved as well.

Yet, when dinner ended, I was left with the skulking suspicion that we wouldn't be playing the game at all. I think it was clear that we both had other ideas how to spend the few days I was there.

It's always bothered me, though, that I never got the chance to teach her the game. I left the set there since it was a gift, but it bothers me that it probably just sits in her parents' home. I mean--what's a game that you don't know the rules too? It's basically a glorified ornamental case with tiles inside. And that's my fault. I didn't follow through with my original idea. I let the moment dictate my actions. I didn't stay true to my beliefs that it was a good idea to keep my visit friendly and without complications. Maybe things would be different if all we did that weekend was play Mahjong and I'd actually been true to my word.

I let myself be talked into coming upstairs. I allowed myself to get distract and to distract what my head was telling me. I think that was the biggest failure of that trip. We moved too fast. We should have taken it slower. I don't know if the whole idea of getting to know each other better would have worked out. I knew Breanne pretty well by that point. But I know there was a lot of wanting that could have been left unfulfilled in the name of preserving the moment. It sounds corny, but I have this overriding belief that if we had left the relationship somewhat chaste a lot of things would have turned out differently. But having a few things revealed (though, not everything) that first weekend, we spoiled some of the innocence of the friendship. We crossed a bridge that we didn't even know we were crossing, and there was not getting back after that.

Maybe failure is too harsh of a word. I don't think we failed by turning the trip into something more. I always knew we were destined for something more. I just know everything didn't have to happen as quickly as it did. We had a lifetime to get closer. There was no impetus to pursue each other with the fervor we did. It was the simple impatience of youth and the recklessness of two people who have always been impulsive by nature.

In a way, I think one can compare to it a game of Mahjong. There's a play where you can steal someone else's discards to put down a pong or another legal play. The trade-off is that you reveal how close you are to winning the round. That's information your opponents can and will use against you. Instead, often the smarter play is to hold your tiles close to your vest. Then when you're ready to go out, it's because you've got all your tiles lined up in a row. Once you're sure, you make your move and let there be no doubt that your plans were well thought-out.

Breanne and I were like the players who put down some of their tiles in the early going. We were so intent on letting everyone know how serious we were about each other, it put everyone else on alert. We revealed our intentions too early on, which called into doubt how serious our planning was. Not only that, but we left the door open to self-doubt. After all, if everything is so easy in the get-go, you can't help but to think that all the harder work later on means that the magic has fizzled. Instead of working on plans and adjusting strategies as you go, we seemed to have gone for broke and then had precious little left in the reserves. That was kind of a mistake.

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I should have known better. I should have put the brakes on when I had the chance. I should have treated our relationship with a little more respect. I should have treated her with a little more respect. No, nothing happened that wasn't intentional on our parts. But someone should have thought it out. Someone should have seen that we were in danger of burning out too quickly.

We should have seen we had years yet of working on us and that everything didn't need to be accomplished that first night... or even anything at all. We should have just relished in the fact that we were finally together in the same room with one another. That could have been enough to go on for a long while. Certainly, it would have been long enough to sustain me till I saw her again in April.

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Eh, there's time yet to correct old mistakes and I'm not going anywhere. We're both still in this game to the end.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers

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