But My Will Gets Weak, And My Thoughts Seem To Scatter, But I Think It's About Forgiveness, Forgiveness, Even If, Even If You Don't Love Me Anymore
--"Heart of the Matter (cover)", India Arie
Back in 2000, I co-signed a car loan for my girlfriend at the time, DeAnn. I didn't mine doing it. It was a situation where I loved her and the thought of helping her out wasn't even a question. She needed a new car. My credit was supposedly better than hers. When the salesman wanted to know if I would co-sign so she could get the car, it didn't take much convincing for me to say yes. On further review, my fervor might have been in part due to the fact that I had gotten earlier in the week and I felt somehow that it was her "turn." That sounds very simplistic, but I felt rather guilty that I was going to have a new car and she wasn't. At any rate, the new car was leased (since she still didn't qualify to purchase the car outright) and I thought that was the end of that.
For four years she made her payments on-time. She was, indeed, diligent in insuring that I never had a problem with my credit due to missed or late payments. Even after we broke up in 2001, less than a year after leasing the car from her, she didn't let me down. It had gotten to the point that by the time 2004 had rolled around I had even forgotten my signature was still on her lease. We had stopped talking in 2003. She had moved on with her life and I had moved on with mine. She'd even found someone new, I had heard, and that may have been where things had started to unravel.
My first clue something was wrong was when I got a notice on my high credit card that my minimum payments were going to increase by $200. Granted, I had wracked up a pretty sizable debt at the time--nearly $26,000. But at $200 minimum payments, I guess I figured I could continue to pay my credit card debt until I died. The next sign I received was that two of my other credit cards (yes, I had three open cards at the time) had canceled me out and were demanding that I pay out the rest of the balance in the next six months. That's when I started to get a little freaked out. I called my high credit card to ask what in fuck was going on. That's when I found out that Miss DeAnn had not only screwed me, she had screwed me right good. Not only had she stopped paying on the lease--with only a year to go--for the last four or five months, they had repossessed the car. And, if that wasn't enough, she had filed bankruptcy so there was nothing I could do to have the debt rest solely in her name.
I was basically up a creek to the tune of the $7000 remaining on her car, which they wanted in payments of at least $500 a month for the next year. Add to that the $400 a month for my one credit card, $200 for another, and $150 for the last one. I was on the hook for about $1250 a month... when at the time that worked out to be about eighty-five percent of my paycheck. There was no way I was going to be able that for one month, let alone for the next year. Like I said, she had screwed and she had screwed me right good.
Anger doesn't even begin to describe the animosity I felt for her. She and I had fought for the bulk of our relationship, but she had never left me hung out to dry like she had by doing what she did. The worst part is she hadn't even given me any forewarning. There was no "hey, I've stopped paying on the car." There was no asking me what I think she should do to solve her financial problems. There was no communication at all. I had to call her, after not speaking to her for almost a year, and she didn't even bother to apologize or anything. She told me to do what she did, and file for bankruptcy. I think I hung up even more upset with her.
For a month or two I did what I could. I paid as much as I could and borrowed the rest. Breanne, bless her heart, let me borrow $1000 just so I could cover the second month's worth of bills. But, in the end, I saw that it wasn't going to be enough. I filed bankruptcy three months after I got the bad news.
To say I was despondent would be sorely underestimating the depth of depression the day after my signing. I thought I was financially ruined forever. I had heard so much bad press about how awful it is to file bankruptcy, especially when you're young. What's worse, no matter how I sliced it, it all fell back on me for trusting her to keep her word. I'm sure on the day we went looking for her car she had no intention of leaving me in the lurch someday, but the crux of the matter was that leave me she had. On one side I had my parents telling me what an idiot I was for ever believing her lying tongue and on the other side I had my friends trying their best to cheer me up, but still lacing their words with the tinge of pity that I had been that naive. Then, there was me, the fool at the center of it all. I hated everyone and everything. Especially her.
----
It's taken me a long time to see that maybe the whole bankruptcy fiasco might have been for the best. I cleared my bad debt off. I gained a better understanding of how easy it is to fall into bad spending habits (i.e. charging anything and everything under the sun). I also learned better to separate how I feel about a person from what I'm obligated to do for them. Now when I give a gift or do something nice for a person, I don't expect it to ever be repaid. That's the way I should have looked at the whole co-signing her car. I never should have co-signed at all. I should have helped her out with the down payment and that's all. That way I could have fulfilled my friendly, even boyfriendly duty, without tying myself to her for five fucking years. I mean--we weren't married. There was no guarantee that we would be as close as we were on that day even a year from now... as the situation turned out to be.
But most of all, it's taken me this long to realize that it isn't healthy to hold one person responsible for everything that is going bad in your life. Yes, it was her fault she stuck me with $7000 in debt on a car I hadn't driven in two years. But was it her fault I had charged up over $25,000 on my card on stupid crap like dinners, trips, and expensive gifts? Was it her fault I had skated for the previous ten years on paying the minimum payments? Or was it her fault that I hadn't gotten off of my ass to find a higher-paying job so I could afford the lifestyle I was trying to perpetrate? None of those things were her fault. All of those were pinned solely on me.
If anything, the only thing I could blame her for was attempting to better herself. She did the same thing I ended up doing. She cut all ties to the old "bad with money" DeAnn and transformed herself into a person with a blank slate when it came to her finances. I certainly can't fault her for trying to make something of her life.
Right now that's the way I feel. If I hadn't filed bankruptcy when I had, who knows how much more I might have paid out to balances that were never going to be paid in full? She and I may have parted ways long before this whole issue crept up. The fire might have faded completely at the time. But, I have to admit, right now there's a small part of me that has not only forgiven her for forcing me into such a bad situation, but is kind of grateful that she did what she did.
It's the one time I can honestly say that a seeming catastrophe perpetrated by another person turned out to be the impetus for real growth. I know that wasn't her intention, but I still hold her responsible for the end result.
So, thank you, DeAnn wherever you are.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Back in 2000, I co-signed a car loan for my girlfriend at the time, DeAnn. I didn't mine doing it. It was a situation where I loved her and the thought of helping her out wasn't even a question. She needed a new car. My credit was supposedly better than hers. When the salesman wanted to know if I would co-sign so she could get the car, it didn't take much convincing for me to say yes. On further review, my fervor might have been in part due to the fact that I had gotten earlier in the week and I felt somehow that it was her "turn." That sounds very simplistic, but I felt rather guilty that I was going to have a new car and she wasn't. At any rate, the new car was leased (since she still didn't qualify to purchase the car outright) and I thought that was the end of that.For four years she made her payments on-time. She was, indeed, diligent in insuring that I never had a problem with my credit due to missed or late payments. Even after we broke up in 2001, less than a year after leasing the car from her, she didn't let me down. It had gotten to the point that by the time 2004 had rolled around I had even forgotten my signature was still on her lease. We had stopped talking in 2003. She had moved on with her life and I had moved on with mine. She'd even found someone new, I had heard, and that may have been where things had started to unravel.
My first clue something was wrong was when I got a notice on my high credit card that my minimum payments were going to increase by $200. Granted, I had wracked up a pretty sizable debt at the time--nearly $26,000. But at $200 minimum payments, I guess I figured I could continue to pay my credit card debt until I died. The next sign I received was that two of my other credit cards (yes, I had three open cards at the time) had canceled me out and were demanding that I pay out the rest of the balance in the next six months. That's when I started to get a little freaked out. I called my high credit card to ask what in fuck was going on. That's when I found out that Miss DeAnn had not only screwed me, she had screwed me right good. Not only had she stopped paying on the lease--with only a year to go--for the last four or five months, they had repossessed the car. And, if that wasn't enough, she had filed bankruptcy so there was nothing I could do to have the debt rest solely in her name.
I was basically up a creek to the tune of the $7000 remaining on her car, which they wanted in payments of at least $500 a month for the next year. Add to that the $400 a month for my one credit card, $200 for another, and $150 for the last one. I was on the hook for about $1250 a month... when at the time that worked out to be about eighty-five percent of my paycheck. There was no way I was going to be able that for one month, let alone for the next year. Like I said, she had screwed and she had screwed me right good.
Anger doesn't even begin to describe the animosity I felt for her. She and I had fought for the bulk of our relationship, but she had never left me hung out to dry like she had by doing what she did. The worst part is she hadn't even given me any forewarning. There was no "hey, I've stopped paying on the car." There was no asking me what I think she should do to solve her financial problems. There was no communication at all. I had to call her, after not speaking to her for almost a year, and she didn't even bother to apologize or anything. She told me to do what she did, and file for bankruptcy. I think I hung up even more upset with her.
For a month or two I did what I could. I paid as much as I could and borrowed the rest. Breanne, bless her heart, let me borrow $1000 just so I could cover the second month's worth of bills. But, in the end, I saw that it wasn't going to be enough. I filed bankruptcy three months after I got the bad news.
To say I was despondent would be sorely underestimating the depth of depression the day after my signing. I thought I was financially ruined forever. I had heard so much bad press about how awful it is to file bankruptcy, especially when you're young. What's worse, no matter how I sliced it, it all fell back on me for trusting her to keep her word. I'm sure on the day we went looking for her car she had no intention of leaving me in the lurch someday, but the crux of the matter was that leave me she had. On one side I had my parents telling me what an idiot I was for ever believing her lying tongue and on the other side I had my friends trying their best to cheer me up, but still lacing their words with the tinge of pity that I had been that naive. Then, there was me, the fool at the center of it all. I hated everyone and everything. Especially her.
----
It's taken me a long time to see that maybe the whole bankruptcy fiasco might have been for the best. I cleared my bad debt off. I gained a better understanding of how easy it is to fall into bad spending habits (i.e. charging anything and everything under the sun). I also learned better to separate how I feel about a person from what I'm obligated to do for them. Now when I give a gift or do something nice for a person, I don't expect it to ever be repaid. That's the way I should have looked at the whole co-signing her car. I never should have co-signed at all. I should have helped her out with the down payment and that's all. That way I could have fulfilled my friendly, even boyfriendly duty, without tying myself to her for five fucking years. I mean--we weren't married. There was no guarantee that we would be as close as we were on that day even a year from now... as the situation turned out to be.
But most of all, it's taken me this long to realize that it isn't healthy to hold one person responsible for everything that is going bad in your life. Yes, it was her fault she stuck me with $7000 in debt on a car I hadn't driven in two years. But was it her fault I had charged up over $25,000 on my card on stupid crap like dinners, trips, and expensive gifts? Was it her fault I had skated for the previous ten years on paying the minimum payments? Or was it her fault that I hadn't gotten off of my ass to find a higher-paying job so I could afford the lifestyle I was trying to perpetrate? None of those things were her fault. All of those were pinned solely on me.
If anything, the only thing I could blame her for was attempting to better herself. She did the same thing I ended up doing. She cut all ties to the old "bad with money" DeAnn and transformed herself into a person with a blank slate when it came to her finances. I certainly can't fault her for trying to make something of her life.
Right now that's the way I feel. If I hadn't filed bankruptcy when I had, who knows how much more I might have paid out to balances that were never going to be paid in full? She and I may have parted ways long before this whole issue crept up. The fire might have faded completely at the time. But, I have to admit, right now there's a small part of me that has not only forgiven her for forcing me into such a bad situation, but is kind of grateful that she did what she did.
It's the one time I can honestly say that a seeming catastrophe perpetrated by another person turned out to be the impetus for real growth. I know that wasn't her intention, but I still hold her responsible for the end result.
So, thank you, DeAnn wherever you are.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Labels: bankruptcy, bitterness, DeAnn, Forgiveness, India.Arie
posted by mojo shivers @ 6:55 PM
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