How Does It Feel When The Girl Next To You, Says She Loves You, It Seems So Unfair When There's Love Everywhere, But There's None For Me

--"Some Guys Have All The Luck (cover)", Camera Obscura

I'm in an Eponine kind of moment in my life. It seems everyone around me is with someone, even little Marion. While I wouldn't begrudge anyone's happiness as long as it doesn't impinge on mine, I would rather like some of that wealth to be spread a little more my way.

Just a little.

I'm trying really hard to live up to the philosophy that I don't need anyone else to make me happy. I know that part of the process is working on me and on making myself happy. But--I don't know--I've spent the last five years working on being okay with me. For the most part, I think it's worked. I think I'm at a place job-wise, money-wise, and health-wise that I'm very content in. It took forever, but I have very little to complain about except this. It's like on one hand I know there's very little I can do to improve myself in other aspects of my life, but in the department of caring about someone I haven't reached my summit yet. It's the one area of my life with plenty of room for growth. I see a group of my friends who really seem to have it all--doing what they want, being who they want to be, and still fortunate enough to be with people they so richly deserve--and all I can ponder is if I actually don't deserve that kind of bliss. I start to wonder if it's not in the cards for me.

Then I look to someone like Brandy, who already had the great love of her life, and I begin to reconcile my previous relationships against the notion that those were as good as it gets for me. That was my heyday and those were the best and truest romantic relationships I'll ever have in my life. And, as much as I wouldn't change how the majority of them turned out, I still possess a good deal of regret that I squandered those opportunities. It's the same old lament of the individual who frittered away the best years of his life; there was never enough time to make it good, to make it right. If, indeed, those were all I'm ever going to have... then I really didn't have all that much comparatively.

I had one great love of my life.

Is it too much to ask for at least one more?

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers