Mad 'Cause I Got Floor Seats At The Lakers, See Me On The 50 Yard Line With The Raiders, Met Ali, He Told Me I'm The Greatest

--"Getting Jiggy with It", Will Smith

I have a system in place at work when dealing with my customers of identifying strictly by their account number. Sure, there are some accounts which I can immediately recollect just by their name, but the majority of the vendors I deal with have fallen through the gaps in my admittedly faulty short-term memory. When one is dealing with four hundred accounts over a three-year period there simply isn't a memory shortcut complete enough to allow me access to each and every connection I've ever made. For the most part, even when the customer wants to give me their name and the name of their company, I'm forced to inquire as to their customer number before I can even begin to administer assistance.

It got me thinking of how everything would be so much easier at my job if all my accounts did away with their names and simply referred to themselves by their designated number. I wouldn't have to remember who's the owner, who's the accounts payable person, or even what the name of the company is. I could just ask what customer number was calling and proceed from there. Especially in a business setting, the usage of names is so cumbersome. Every other company name is "Car Audio" this or "Stereo" that; it all begins to run together in my head before long. However, a number? A number is truly unique. When you plug in a name, it pulls up a list of possible matches, but when you plug in a number, it always brings the correct account each and every time. Dealing with the numbers is just simpler.

I acknowledge part of it is just me being lazy. I also acknowledge that part of it is the fact that I've never been too keen on the customer service side of my job. Pretending to be friendly with strangers has never been my forte and I truly find it difficult to be friendly with individuals I'm supposed to maintain a business relationship with. I've never been adept at the whole schmoozing requirement of dealing with people. I'm much more the type to get to the heart of the reason why I'm calling or why they are calling than dally with the non-essential accounts of how their day is going or where they just came back with their family. To me, sadly maybe, they are just a list of numbers. Each company is basically a tally of how much they owe us or how much they can possibly buy from us. This doesn't mean I go out of my way to be cruel to them, but I just find it awkward to think of them as friends with one breath and then have to ask them for money with the next. Indeed, even when my friends borrow money from me I'm always rather straightforward about asking for it back without any pretense of subtlety to it. I've never been one to lead into a difficult question; I've always just asked it. And that's the way I wish I could treat my customers. I wish I could just get down to business--give me you customer number, hand over your check, and let me be.

I don't know--part of me thinks it's the whole name business that gets people into trouble in the first place. The only time one insists on being called by their name is when you're expecting some sort of long-lasting relationship with someone else. I don't tell every cashier or clerk my name because it's really not that vital to me that they address me by my given name. Given that, I also don't make it a point to list in excruciating detail everything I did that day. It detracts away from the business at hand. I'd much rather somebody tell me what I owe rather than tell me their name when I'm trying to buy something or when somebody is trying to buy something from me. Telling me your name in the midst of a deal is a bit like asking me to respect you or be in an awe of you. It's just not going to happen.

By the same token I guess that's why I'm bad with people's names in general. I've always decided who I thought warranted remembrance and it's usually not the people who insist on being called by name. The people whose names I've always filed away have always been the people who have made an honest impression on me enough to seek out their names and lock it away. It's a little like earning a name. Before that decision takes place you might as well be a number to me--that's the extent of how much importance I'll be placing on what you might choose to tell me.

I think the problem lies with the idea that everyone thinks they're important enough to compel everyone to remember them. Everyone thinks they've done enough, said enough, or plainly lived enough to feel important to the world at large. They think just by merely saying words, introducing themselves to everyone they meet, they are making a distinct impression upon everyone. But if you ponder that, that's entirely impossible. How many people do you bump into that truly stand out? How many people do you meet that have you falling on everyone of their words? Not very many. Everybody can't be important to you. By extension, every name that you happen to hear isn't going to be worthy of remembrance. I swear, I would have a far easier time if everyone just introduced themselves by their phone number or even address. At least that's given me some bit of information that is telling and worthwhile of jotting down should the need to contact them arise. A name without connection is just plain boring. Impress me first with your exploits or your personality or your talents... and then ask me if I'd like to know your name. That's almost how I wish the bulk of my conversations would go. I seriously would do away with this whole giving your name first bit and skip right to the part where I find out about you.

I don't know--maybe I have it backwards. Maybe it is like everyone tells me, that everything would go more smoothly if I just treated everyone as if they were special, if I treated every customer as if they are the most important account in the world to me. But to me that just seems like facetiousness. People know when they've earned my admiration and customers should know when they've earned my good graces. Anything other than brutal honesty just makes a mockery of the system. I shouldn't have to pretend that your name means anything to me before it actually does. And I shouldn't have to treat you like you're some hotshot celebrity before by God you've actually become that celebrity in my eyes.

You can't tell me you're somebody worth knowing. Only I can decide that. You can't give away your name; you really need to be asked for it.

At least by me.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers