Alright, I don't know how to begin this. I was thinking today about what I was going to say here but I forgot it, and I only thought about it 5 minutes ago! A blog is like the diary you used to have when you were a brat and my posts here are just like the ones of my old old diary I had long long long time ago. That's to say, rarely. But, a diary was private (unless someone come and read it) and a blog can be read by thousands of people if they want so. Ok,ok... Not many people read my blog, perhaps a person full of hope to find something here in my empty words do.
And here I am, complaining about life again. When was the last time? Not so far ago, I think. Dunno. But I was happy! I was happy until yesterday in a certain hour of the day when magically I realized that sometimes I have nothing and nobody... And that my imagination is so poor that I am not able to create a new life for myself!
And ha (that's a laugh), I was pondering today in the shower (hell, who asks me to find a pondering place like the shower, bearing in mind how expensive the water is in this building!) and while the water was hitting my back and from my lips crazy words were going out, I turned into tears... And no, I didn't cry because I was talking to myself (I know I'm insane so that's not something that afflict me anymore) but because of the words I let go... It is just that, suddenly... I thought (or realized) about that I've never done a worthwhile thing. All my dreams have gone directly to trash. And I know you're all going to say I still have many years to live and that I'm still young but, how do I know I won't die tomorrow? What if that happens and I die without having reached anything in my life?
All my dreams to trash, all the things I wanted to reach and couldn't, all the things I reached and didn't bear fruits...
My dream of going to university came true and... That's all. Where's the fruit? I haven't reached anything with it. My dream of learning the art of dubbing came true, I did a couple of little things, my mother paid a course to I learn and.... Where's all? Is it that I do all wrong or what?
Do you know how that is called? Do you know how to want to be and not to be is called? FAIL. That's the name and that's what I am nowadays. I'm a failure, a blunder.
I don't know who the fault is. I guess it's mine. It's the fault of that idiot shyness I try to hide every fucking day of my life and I cannot. Or it's maybe God's fault who doesn't want me in this world but would have a terrible remorse if he takes me and that's why he's trying I commit suicide. But that's not fair. I don't want to commit suicide! Do you think I'm not afraid of that? If you want to take me, well, take me! If you don't want, then don't and leave me here. A lot of clowns are needed in the world.
Nothing else a blunder has, than looking for new hopes of being something. I don't get tired of looking for it... And if it's my fate to die looking for something to be at life, then I'll look for it endlessly. I'm a blunder but I have no blunder-like talent. Perhaps that's why I cry when I think of it... Because I cannot accept it.
And here I am, complaining about life again. When was the last time? Not so far ago, I think. Dunno. But I was happy! I was happy until yesterday in a certain hour of the day when magically I realized that sometimes I have nothing and nobody... And that my imagination is so poor that I am not able to create a new life for myself!
And ha (that's a laugh), I was pondering today in the shower (hell, who asks me to find a pondering place like the shower, bearing in mind how expensive the water is in this building!) and while the water was hitting my back and from my lips crazy words were going out, I turned into tears... And no, I didn't cry because I was talking to myself (I know I'm insane so that's not something that afflict me anymore) but because of the words I let go... It is just that, suddenly... I thought (or realized) about that I've never done a worthwhile thing. All my dreams have gone directly to trash. And I know you're all going to say I still have many years to live and that I'm still young but, how do I know I won't die tomorrow? What if that happens and I die without having reached anything in my life?
All my dreams to trash, all the things I wanted to reach and couldn't, all the things I reached and didn't bear fruits...
My dream of going to university came true and... That's all. Where's the fruit? I haven't reached anything with it. My dream of learning the art of dubbing came true, I did a couple of little things, my mother paid a course to I learn and.... Where's all? Is it that I do all wrong or what?
Do you know how that is called? Do you know how to want to be and not to be is called? FAIL. That's the name and that's what I am nowadays. I'm a failure, a blunder.
I don't know who the fault is. I guess it's mine. It's the fault of that idiot shyness I try to hide every fucking day of my life and I cannot. Or it's maybe God's fault who doesn't want me in this world but would have a terrible remorse if he takes me and that's why he's trying I commit suicide. But that's not fair. I don't want to commit suicide! Do you think I'm not afraid of that? If you want to take me, well, take me! If you don't want, then don't and leave me here. A lot of clowns are needed in the world.
Nothing else a blunder has, than looking for new hopes of being something. I don't get tired of looking for it... And if it's my fate to die looking for something to be at life, then I'll look for it endlessly. I'm a blunder but I have no blunder-like talent. Perhaps that's why I cry when I think of it... Because I cannot accept it.
posted by Semi @ 4:23 PM
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