Because We Live In A House Of Mirrors, We See Our Fears And Everything, Our Songs, Faces, And Second Hand Clothes, But More And More We're Suffering
--"You Are What You Love", Jenny Lewis featuring the Watson Twins
Night really is the worst part of the day for me. Often times I find myself unable to sleep for the simple reason that I never sleep at night. I fear it's become a horrible habit for me. Starting out as a small child, chiding against the imposed bedtime of my parents, I would endeavor to stay up later and later while still being able to maintain functionality at school the next day. In elementary school this meant staying up to ten, which, at that age, seemed liked a big deal. Then, with the advent of high school and the right to sleep whenever I wanted, it became a habit to catch my midnight shows. Shows like Quantum Leap, Northern Exposure, and The New Twilight Zone all come on at that special hour. I didn't even care they were all in syndication and were probably two or three years old. It became a ritual for me. I would grab a snack from the kitchen, pull myself to the couch, and just vege. I would revel in being the only one awake, the only one alive, in a household full of sleeping giants. It felt naughty somehow, as if I was a thief, stealing away with something I wasn't supposed to.
During my high school days, it wasn't unusual for me to fall asleep at three in the morning and get up for school at six. A grand total of three hours was all I needed to subsist upon. It was kind of a small feat. It was also during this time that I started to experiment with no-sleepers, what other people call all-nighters. I would have rather started my homework at three in the morning, after my shows, than interrupt my ritual.
It wasn't until college that I started to notice that even when I wanted to sleep, I couldn't. I had gotten my body used to not sleeping until two or three in the morning and I didn't know how to untrain it. That's when I begin to worry that this would be the pattern I would follow for the rest of my life. Instead of being able to sleep normally, I would forever be the night owl.
I'm good at it, I've mastered it
Avoiding, avoiding everything
The truth is the reason I suffer from insomnia is because I cannot seem to do work when other people are out and about. I concentrate better in the wee hours when the whole world seems to fall away dead. Brandy calls it a form of xenophobia. She tells me that I have a superstition that I'm live in constant fear of being interrupted in the middle of being inspired and losing it. Thinking about it, it could be true. I cannot how many times when I've thought I'd stumbled upon the best idea ever, received a phone call, and been unable to recall what I had wanted to do. Indeed, sometimes when I'm writing these posts, I become the little notes master. I'll scribble a couple of key phrases or lyrics just to remind me what I wanted to write about. But I don't think Brandy's thesis is the whole truth. The real reason why I like staying up is that it's the only time I can be sure of doing exactly what I want without having to compromise myself to make someone else happy. I rise and fall according to my own whims.
If that's true, then why do I suffer so? I should be happy that I have those hours to experience that unique sense of freedom. Lately, I don't, though.
I've thought about it and I think the reason why I toss at night, why I'm in the process of trying to sleep earlier and earlier, is because I know the more I stay up at night, the more I realize that I'm moving away from being a person who enjoys other people's company. The way I figure it, every hour I try to eke out by myself at night is another hour I take away from going out with friends and acquaintances. I've decided I don't want to be akin to a hermit, monopolizing my time for my own pursuits and activities. I want to be able to set aside time for Carly (should she ever free up some time), for Ilessa (should she ever do something aside from wreaking havoc), and, of course, Breanne (should she ever have more time than what we have on-line).
These are the thoughts that have been keeping me from writing regularly here or, for that matter, from sleeping well. I've been spending the last few weeks scared out of my mind that I'm going to be forever more comfortable in the lonely netherworld of darkness rather than the social jungle of daytime.
For once in my life I want to get a good sleep to prepare for a fun-packed day rather than rush through a dreary day to get to my own private night world. I've settled upon a goal for myself and that's to be more comfortable doing more things with other people rather than myself.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Night really is the worst part of the day for me. Often times I find myself unable to sleep for the simple reason that I never sleep at night. I fear it's become a horrible habit for me. Starting out as a small child, chiding against the imposed bedtime of my parents, I would endeavor to stay up later and later while still being able to maintain functionality at school the next day. In elementary school this meant staying up to ten, which, at that age, seemed liked a big deal. Then, with the advent of high school and the right to sleep whenever I wanted, it became a habit to catch my midnight shows. Shows like Quantum Leap, Northern Exposure, and The New Twilight Zone all come on at that special hour. I didn't even care they were all in syndication and were probably two or three years old. It became a ritual for me. I would grab a snack from the kitchen, pull myself to the couch, and just vege. I would revel in being the only one awake, the only one alive, in a household full of sleeping giants. It felt naughty somehow, as if I was a thief, stealing away with something I wasn't supposed to.During my high school days, it wasn't unusual for me to fall asleep at three in the morning and get up for school at six. A grand total of three hours was all I needed to subsist upon. It was kind of a small feat. It was also during this time that I started to experiment with no-sleepers, what other people call all-nighters. I would have rather started my homework at three in the morning, after my shows, than interrupt my ritual.
It wasn't until college that I started to notice that even when I wanted to sleep, I couldn't. I had gotten my body used to not sleeping until two or three in the morning and I didn't know how to untrain it. That's when I begin to worry that this would be the pattern I would follow for the rest of my life. Instead of being able to sleep normally, I would forever be the night owl.
I'm good at it, I've mastered it
Avoiding, avoiding everything
The truth is the reason I suffer from insomnia is because I cannot seem to do work when other people are out and about. I concentrate better in the wee hours when the whole world seems to fall away dead. Brandy calls it a form of xenophobia. She tells me that I have a superstition that I'm live in constant fear of being interrupted in the middle of being inspired and losing it. Thinking about it, it could be true. I cannot how many times when I've thought I'd stumbled upon the best idea ever, received a phone call, and been unable to recall what I had wanted to do. Indeed, sometimes when I'm writing these posts, I become the little notes master. I'll scribble a couple of key phrases or lyrics just to remind me what I wanted to write about. But I don't think Brandy's thesis is the whole truth. The real reason why I like staying up is that it's the only time I can be sure of doing exactly what I want without having to compromise myself to make someone else happy. I rise and fall according to my own whims.
If that's true, then why do I suffer so? I should be happy that I have those hours to experience that unique sense of freedom. Lately, I don't, though.
I've thought about it and I think the reason why I toss at night, why I'm in the process of trying to sleep earlier and earlier, is because I know the more I stay up at night, the more I realize that I'm moving away from being a person who enjoys other people's company. The way I figure it, every hour I try to eke out by myself at night is another hour I take away from going out with friends and acquaintances. I've decided I don't want to be akin to a hermit, monopolizing my time for my own pursuits and activities. I want to be able to set aside time for Carly (should she ever free up some time), for Ilessa (should she ever do something aside from wreaking havoc), and, of course, Breanne (should she ever have more time than what we have on-line).
These are the thoughts that have been keeping me from writing regularly here or, for that matter, from sleeping well. I've been spending the last few weeks scared out of my mind that I'm going to be forever more comfortable in the lonely netherworld of darkness rather than the social jungle of daytime.
For once in my life I want to get a good sleep to prepare for a fun-packed day rather than rush through a dreary day to get to my own private night world. I've settled upon a goal for myself and that's to be more comfortable doing more things with other people rather than myself.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
posted by mojo shivers @ 10:41 PM
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