The Moon Is Out And The Streets Are Wet, So Tonight You've Got Me Shaky Again, You're Just Happy As Long As You've Got Something

--"Shadows Are Bent", Gospel Gossip

It was nearing some ungodly hour. We were both trembling along back to the hotel room when Ilessa kind of fell to her knees laughing. It was just one of those moments that transcends explanation so I went with it. I started laughing too.

Soon it would be tomorrow and tomorrow would spell the end of our little getaway for the holiday. That was a deadline I did not want to see. Maybe that's why I sunk down to the street, despite the onlookers and despite the scrutiny. I just didn't care. I wanted the night to last as long as possible. I wanted to live in this fantasy world where two people could just kneel in the street for as long as they wanted, worshipping at the temple of drunken revelry. I wanted that to tbe the reality awaiting me rather than the responsibility and maturity that Tuesday would cover me in. I wanted to remain lost there on the wet pavement for as long as possible.

That's the one thing I've always liked about Miss Nancy Fucking Drew despite her other shortcomings. She, more than most, knows how to lose any and all concerns no matter how doggedly they might be tailing her. She sloughs giving a damn off better than a person in her situation has the right to be. Quite frankly, it's scary. It isn't scary because I ever get the sense that she's lost control. On the contrary, she always seems at the top of her game at all times and in any condition. It's scary because it gives me hope that I could actually live like this all the time like she appears to. I could actually be that close to hedonism. It's scary because the beliefs and the natural progression of my personal characters seems to be inching towards that result with every passing day. People always thinks it's hard to remain grounded and stay firm despite the pressure to change. I say it's far harder to chuck everything to the wind and really cut loose.

As I knelt there, looking at the fractured face of Ilessa, I realized I could have misjudged her in a way. Ever since she had invited me down to San Diego for the weekend, ever since she had casually hinted that a pub crawl was simply the best remedy for the soul, ever since she had refused to take no for an answer, I had been playing up her crazy streak to my co-workers and friends. I had emphasized how much I didn't want to go because I knew what would happen. I knew it would be nothing but drinking and cavorting and simply stupid choices that I would probably regret later on. After all, I told them, it wasn't my first go-around on the roller coaster known as Ilessa Campbell. I let them in on the secret that the last few rides had ended as all thrill rides do, either my being scared shitless or vomiting as soon as I had unbuckled myself. Did I really want to have to endure that all over again?

In a word, yes.

Looking at her grinning face, eyes squinted to the point of being non-existant, a laugh so shrill as to cause the nearby storefront windows to reverberate, I remembered why I was friends with her in the face. That laugh sums up the experience of having a friend like Ilessa. On paper she might seem like a total disaster--emotional baggage from a physically abusive childhood; overcompensating with alcohol, drugs, and other substances in her teens; a rather overbearing personality that tends to grate rather than smooth; a wicked, wicked temper--but in life all that falls by the wayside. She's basically the type of person where all her faults only manifest in her absence. In her presence it's completely the opposite. In that situation all her merits come to the fore.

I don't know how long we tarried on the ground. I do remember we rolled onto our backs at one point trying to get up. Yes, in one part of my mind I was shaking at how quickly I had lost control of my better judgment. Normally, you could never catch me in a position where I was ripe to mocked or ridiculed. But in the larger part of my being all I could concentrate was on that laugh and how good it felt to be joining in her chorus. I like laughing. I love the feeling it gives me. I would daresay I love laughing even more than I hate being laughed at.

That's the gift of Ilessa, putting into perspective of how precious small moments are and how we should enjoy the freedom that every day affords us.

Eventually, we had to get up from our position and trudge back to the welcoming warmth of our hotel room. Eventually, we had to get up the next morning feeling like we had both been run over by about twenty jeeps. Eventually, we had to pack up and leave San Diego for home. Eventually, we both had to go back to what passed for normalcy.

But for one shining moment underneath an absolutely perfect misty San Diego moon we shared a laugh, a laugh that both scared me out of my mind and comforted me in some weird and wonderful way.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers