How Far Will You Take It, Well No One Knows, Don't Let Me Go, I Got A Hold On You Tonight, Oh Oh It's Magic, When I'm With You

--"Magic", The Cars

I left her sleeping in the car.

It wasn't my car. To be painfully truthful, I didn't exactly know whose car it was. There had been the troubles at Matty's house again. I didn't have time to think. I stole a car, but, more importantly I stole her away from a bad situation.

That was me. A regular hero.

When we were driving we barely talked. I didn't ask what happened. She didn't explain. She didn't have to. I knew the routine. It was always something at her house--her mother hitting the bottle, her father hitting his wife. Something. Poor Matty was always caught in the middle. It was funny, people always complimented her family on being some Norman Rockwell portrait of the typical functioning family, but I never did. The only thing typical about her "functional" family was that it wasn't. The only good thing--the only good thing--Mr. and Mrs. Kapelovich ever produced was Matryoshka herself. There she had been, sitting next to me in the car, so sad, so silent, and all I could think was how many times this scene had already played out, how many times I had come to her rescue. It would be comical if it weren't so deadly twisted.

I took her to the cliff, the one that overlooked that quiet piece of the ocean where the sun set perfectly every evening. It was beautiful, but not quite as beautiful as her.

I offered her a bottled water that was conveniently in the backseat of the car after I had stopped the car. She shook her head. I opened it, drank about half, and returned the lid back on top. She would want her half sooner or later. I told her to get out, but she wanted to stay in. I wanted to press the issue a little further. Underage driver, stolen car--at the very least I wanted to be hundred yards away from it should anyone come looking. "It wasn't my car. It was here when we got here, officer. Just like you found it." I couldn't argue with her, though. Poor girl had a rough day. I couldn't be just another bad guy to her. Not today.

We stayed in the car. I turned the radio on. She turned to face me.

"Hokes, are we in trouble?"

"Don't worry about it."

"But you stole this..."

"I said don't worry about it, Matty. Let me worry about the heat. You just sit there. You just sit there and look pretty."

"We've got to take it back."

"In a minute."

She didn't say anything after that. She sat in the passenger seat, staring off into the blue abyss of the ocean. Then she cried. I didn't stop her. I didn't talk to her. I didn't touch her. I just let her cry. That's what she wanted. That's what usually put her back right.

It wasn't the first time I've been with her when she's cried.

I felt her touch me on the shoulder with those delicate fingers of hers, telling me it was alright to care again. I pulled her face in close to mine, wrapped my arms around her as best I could from across the seats, and held her awkwardly until she told me to let go. It was the best I could do. It was the only thing I could do. Well, that and go steal another car for her. That was basically my job, steal her away from the troubles and make sure she made it back okay. I was like a courier. She was the package. I picked the package up. I delivered the package after the trip. I didn't ask what the package was and I didn't dare try to look inside the package. That wasn't my job. That wasn't what I needed to do. My job was to keep the package safe and I was damn good at my job.

She began to talk non-stop about everything but what I wanted to talk about. Her voice whirred like a vacuum cleaner, sucking up all the intensity that had pervaded the car only minutes before. She became the epitome of cheerfulness. I went with it. I responded to her every question, humored her every aside. I ever went so far as to play along when she wanted to quiz me about what it was like to steal a car. I played along because she was young. She didn't know any better. I played along also because she was my friend. Again, she didn't know any better. Besides, I liked seeing her amused. It made me think she might pull through her whole ordeal relatively unscathed someday.

I left her sleeping in the car with some off-handed joke about why cars didn't have ceiling fans. She fell asleep smiling. A good sign. I stepped out of the car to grab a quick smoke and to decide what to do next.


how far can you take it
till you realize
theres magic in your eyes

I walked over to the edge of the cliff, hearing the crashing on the rocks below. It was soothing in a way, the violence giving way to tranquility in alternating rhythm. I felt in my bones the solitude this place afforded. I felt the silence. It was nice. Once I reached the edge, I sat down and let my legs dangle over the edge. I continued to smoke while staring at the disappearing horizon. Soon it would be night and I would have to start considering bringing her back. Fuck, I hated thinking about that. It was the part of the day, knowing my so-called rescues were brief in nature and only served as a temporary stop-gap. I was the boy with his finger in the dam, too stupid to think of anything better to do. What could I do? Run away with her with a stolen car, four hundred in cash, and pray for the best? I was barely fifteen with a learner's permit and no wheels to call my own. More precisely, I'd already been warned once about taking her away from her parents without their permission. I hadn't been arrested, but kidnapping definitely would not sit well with those who mattered.

Of course, I thought, there was always... No, I stopped myself.

But.

There was always the pack. I could always ask to take her in as one of our own. That would solve all her problems. And mine. I could finally tell her the truth. The complete truth. I could finally share with her everything that I was and everything that I held dear. I'd always felt like a fraud, pretending to be honest with her with everything that was important to me. It was no wonder she didn't yet feel confident enough to do the same. I'd always felt like there was something between us, a barrier of my own construction.

If I took her in, if I sponsored her, she could finally be away from the troubles. We could start a new life together, a better life, a life where she wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Well, almost anything.

Fuck, I couldn't do that to her. I whipped my head around to glimpse her sleeping form in the car. She was beautiful. Innocent. If I changed her, made her into what I was, she would lose that. She would cease being beautiful, cease being innocent. She would become what I was.

A monster.

I threw the cigaretted down into the waves below and hauled myself up. The daylight was fading quickly now and it was only a matter of time before I would have to bring her back. I made the slow trek back to the car and got in. I made an attempt to close the door as quietly as I could, but she woke up anyway.

"Hokes?"

"Yeah, Matty?"

"What time is it?"

"Time for you to go back home."

She opened her eyes briefly, yawned, and proceeded to go back to sleep. It would be tough leaving her with them again. It killed a little more each time to know that years were all that was keeping me from taking her away from all that pain. It killed me to realize that to stop a monster--two monsters, actually--I couldn't resort to making her into one, even if she'd be strong enough to break away herself. It killed me to think of someone so beautiful was slowly dying each day she was allowed to live in the household.

I had to console myself with the the thought that at least I had another magical night with her. I'd rescued her and I'd kept her safe, even if only for a few hours.

And as I started the car to get her back home, I also consoled myself with another great truth. When it did come time for Matty to finally leave home and make a life for herself, I could do something even more heroic for her. When that time came and the law said that she no longer needed to be shackled to her parents I could give her the greatest gift of all.

I could kill her parents.

I gave a quick glance to the sleeping beauty next to me. I pulled the car away from the cliffside and smiled.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers