It May Sound Absurd... But Don't Be Naive, Even Heroes Have The Right To Bleed

--"Superman (It's Not Easy)", Five For Fighting

I was watcing Lost tonight, enjoying it as I normally do, when it reached the point where Charlie started to compile his greatest hits list, the five greatest moments of his life. I started to wonder, if pressed, could I name five points in my life that were monumentally memorable are worthy of inclusion. I mean--sure, I've had my moments, but when measure against the scope of what everybody else has accomplished, they don't really stack up--not yet anyway.

Nope, if I were to chalk up such a list I think at the most I would have one or two moments I'd like to remember for all time. The first one is obvious if you know me at all so I'll skip over that one. The second one takes a bit more doing. The second one concerns that time in eighth grade when I was at the graduation dance and asked for the first time to dance with Sara. It wasn't that I was particularly in love with Sara or that it was the first dance I'd ever had with a girl. But it was the first dance where I suddenly felt all eyes upon me. It was the first dance where I came down with horrible stage fright and had to excuse myself to the men's room until all the attention died down. I was kind of shy, but, more to the point, I was also kind of ill-equipped to make a spectacle out of myself. Needless to say, it's been almost twenty years since that moment and it still haunts me to this day. I still think of it every time I dance for the first time with a stranger--will everyone suddenly whip their heads around, ooh and ahh, and embarrass the hell out of me. I still think of it every time somebody asks me to name my worst memory of school. Hell, I still think of it every time I pass by my old school.

So why would I want to include this painful trial of childhood on my all-time list of defining moments? Simple. I would include it because it is me at my weakest. It is me at the time in my life where I faced adversity by running away. It's also a moment I've never repeated again. I may have been embarrassed a time or two after that day, but never again was I ever too shook up to even talk about it. That dance was the one and only time I was robbed of any self-control and dignity. I caved. That's why I would want people to know when they read my list, that that's as bad as I get. For the most part since that time I've remained a consumate personification of sticking things out to the bitter end. I'm not saying running away is a character flaw. Even if it is, it isn't the worst one an individual can have as Breanne can attest to. It simply isn't a character flaw I aspire to keep in my possession.

I don't know--people when asked a question like the aforementioned always seem prone to only include the good times in their life. I think it's a mistake to gloss over or forsake those times that show you when you've been beaten. I believe it's those times when you're confused, upset, sad, or lost that come to define you more than when you're at the top of your game. How you handle setbacks and adversity says a lot more about your personality than how you handle success.

I'd rather people remember me as the shockingly awkward kid who blanched at his first social dance than remember me as the guy who asked for Ilessa's phone number in the middle of her speech at the park. The former is more a portrait of me than the latter. That's true of all people; the portrait you see of the confident, vibrant well-adjusted person you see before you is almost always painted directly over the portrait of the misspent and saddened youth. That's why, even if the other four instnaces in my life are all grand and lively in their content, I'm reserving at least one spot on my rosted for that particular moment in junior high when I about shat in my pants.

Everyone has moments they're not proud of... and those are the moments we really should both hold onto and share.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers