You Don't Remember Me, But I Remember You, T'was Not So Long Ago, You Broke My Heart In Two, Tears On My Pillow, Pain In My Heart, Caused By You, You

--"Tears On My Pillow (cover)", S Club 8

It's been almost six years since I moved out from that old apartment and I still haven't gotten used to waking up alone. I've slept with other people, but I think I still miss the consistency having a familiar face to wake up next to everyday. I believe it's one of those habits that once you've had it it's impossible to remember how to go on without it.

I miss it.

I think it's affected my sleep ever since because I don't seem to wake up as rested as I had been while we were living together. Like I said, I've gotten used to fallen asleep alone most nights; it's the waking up alone that leaves me forlorn and wistful.

The strange thing is I think I miss the waking up part more than the sex when it comes to my ex-girlfriend. The truth is when we were awake we fought like Itchy and Scratchy, but when we were asleep everything was golden. After all, I think it's kind of true that you can have sex with anyone. However, it's a real measure of compatibility whether or not you can fall asleep next to someone night after night without getting on each other's nerves. There are some married couples who can't even share the same bed because they keep each other up. Moreover, it's a sign of surrender of power in a relationship to allow someone to watch your back while you're sleeping. You're never more vulnerable, you're never more helpless, and you're giving someone permission to be next to you in that state. That's the surest sign of trust.

That was one thing that was good about us. Through most of our relationship we were always able to fall asleep flopped on top of each other. Towards the end it became harder and harder--what with all the name-calling and sometimes physical fights--but I always told her that I would miss waking up next to her the most.

I think that's why I need this vacation. It'll be nice to snuggle up next to someone--even if it's only a friend and even if it's only possibly naps.

I'll take what I can get.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers