And I Can't Help But Look Back, I Got Time To Kill, An Iron Will, But Baby I Can't Backtrack, And Each Letter I Write Ends Up An Offering To The Nigh

--"Iron Will", Whispertown 2000

There's a scene in Brick where Emily is telling Brendan that she doesn't need saving and that, for all his good intentions, it's still her life. I think that scene hits home for me because it's a character flaw I see in myself. I've always been the type to want to help people, especially my friends, when they are in trouble. I've always let people know they can call me at any hour of the day about anything and I'll listen. It's always been a policy of mine to drive anywhere any time somebody tells me they need my help. But I think it goes beyond just a simple desire to help. I think it really stems from a need to somehow be perceived as a savior in some way.

I don't know if it was I who first started to notice it or if I had it pointed out to me, but there's something similar about the people I'm attracted to. One, they are always young. Two, they are always at a point in their lives where it seems like they need guidance. And, three, they are always more advice-takers than advice-givers. Maybe it's just me, but I seem to pulled in by people who not only are willing to listen to me, but seem to be foolhardy enough to think I have all the answers. Yes, I've been through a lot, but very rarely do I think I know everything. Yet for some reason I have this compulsion to surround myself with people who are willing to buy what I'm selling. They fulfill a sick need in me to feel important somehow. Without the edge, be it the age thing, be it the confidence, or be it simply the strength of will thing, I get very nervous around people. I can't seem to function properly around somebody unless I feel they need me for something or I've got something over on them.

Conversely, when I zoom in on those areas of attention in a person I very rarely want to relinquish that control. I seem to want to pigeonhole this person as remaining constantly in need of help when the truth is maybe they stopped needing my help a long time ago. I can see this in many instances. I can see this in the fact that I still think of B. as that runaway kid who was always calling me to help convince her to return home. I can see this in the fact that one of the only reasons I remain friends with Miss Nancy Fucking Drew is that it makes me feel heroic when I bail her out of one of her exuberant drinking binges. I can see this even all the way back to when I just had to help Brandy find her parents when the truth may have been she could have found them well enough on her own.

It's a trait I know gets into trouble when the people I feel it is my duty to help don't actually require or especially want my help. That was always a point of contention with DeAnn. I don't know why but I had this twisted notion that I could improve her, that her past was something I could erase and make better somehow. That wasn't what she wanted, but that's what I wanted to give her. And that's what ultimately drove us apart.

Hell, I even see it a little now with Carly, except I see how the opposite reaction might pay off more in the long run. There's a lot of areas I don't see eye-to-eye with Miss Flib when it comes to how she lives her life, but I've managed to keep my nose clean when it comes to trying to change her. So far she's managed to do a bang-up job and far be it from me to tell her how to live her life better. It's a far different attitude than I would have taken five years ago. Yet I still manage to be someone she can come to for advice and even that little bit of guidance.

Sure, I still feel like I'm not doing enough for her and that there's still a good chance it's a mistake not to try and tell how she should do things differently, but I'm trying not to be that person any more. I'm trying hard not to be the person who inadvertently gives people the impression that their life has been all messed up, but now I'm going to make it all better. I'm not that good. I'm trying to be more the person who dispenses advice when asked but doesn't get all bent out of shape when it isn't taken. I'm trying to be more the person who looks upon his friends as people with foibles and quirks rather than as problems in need of constant repair.

I no longer want to be the person who has to feel superior to someone to be their friend. I just want to enjoy someone's company without once looking down upon them for something they either did it in the past or have already made steps to correct.

I'm no one's hero and I firmly believe that people are capable of rescuing themselves.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers