I Would Give Anything I Own, Give Up My Life, My Heart, My Home, I Would Give Ev'rything I Own, Just To Have You Back Again

--"Everything I Own (cover)", Ken Boothe

During the course of my stay in the employ of Bally's Total Fitness it fell upon me to do a weekly run-through all the bounced checks of the company in order to call the delinquent parties and barter a payment. The only problem was that the book which housed said checks was kept on the desk of one of my fellow employees, Jennifer. Everyday I would go through the routine of asking her if I could "borrow" the book with the solemn promise I would return it at the end of the day. It became a small game where she would gracefully allow me safe passage with the documents but only after a fair amount of scrutiny that I was trustworthy.

Normally, I know, this is the type of silliness that occurs in every office setting as a means to pass the time and keep up morale. Normally, such frivolity would soon fade in luster after a few days, or maybe after a week or two. Normally, it just stops being funny.

However, I've always been one to latch onto an idea and just run with it till it's almost reached the breaking point of being way overboard. Usually this ends in one of two ways. I either garner a huge laugh for my efforts or people just stare at me funny and continue to stare, not getting the joke.

In the situation with the bounced checks book I took the practice of asking permission to its logical conclusion and produced a document for Miss Jennifer sign to make everything "official." Not only did it amuse her, as well as anyone else who had the opportunity to read it, but it became a small routine of ours. Every morning I would hand her a photocopy of the form to sign, she would pretend to read it, and then hastily sign it, mimicking the snarky attitude of office assistant gatekeepers across the world.

What follows is a word-for-word copy of the document in its original form which I still use when somebody asks to borrow something of mine.

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Official Notice of Permission:

I. I hereby authorize (Name of applicant) ______________________________ has my permission to take possession of (Name of item required) _______________________________ on (Date of Activity)___________________________. The length of possession shall be a set period of 6 / 7 / 8 hours from the time of (start time) _______ a.m./p.m. to (end time)_______ a.m./p.m.. The usage of aforementioned item during this period does not constitute a permanent transfer of ownership and in no manner suggests a business transaction has transpired. The transfer of the aforementioned item is temporary in nature as well as in the spirit of cooperation rather than competition. The transfer of the aforementioned item is also transient in nature as well for, should the need arise for ownership to be transferred back to the signer, ownership can and will be reset to the original conditions of ownership.

II. The condition of the item is hereby declared as to be in good, workable condition and this agreement binds the applicant to return the item in the selfsame condition. Should the item be returned in unsatisfactory or worse condition the borrower agrees to apologize profusely and entertain any and all possible punishment including, but not limited to, disfiguration, dismemberment, impalement, decapitation, torture, disease, and/or crucifixion to be carried out under the authority of whatever responsible parties should desire to witness the downfall of the borrower.

III. By signing this form, I declare that I am the legal parent/guardian of the item listed above and authorized to grant such permission. I am also declaring that I have read and understood all the conditions listed and am in possession of sufficient mental faculties to agree in all good faith and stalwart confidence. I am also declaring that this is a fair trade, subject to all applicable etiquette of friendly cooperation and subject to all equitable principles of common decency. Should any dispute arise not covered under the terms and conditions of this agreement, a suitable arbiter shall be assigned to iron out a settlement agreeable to all parties involved. Finally, I declare that I shall bear no ill will to the applicant during the period of transfer of ownership nor have I born any ill will to the applicant at a time prior to this period.

__________________________________________ _______________
(Signature) (Date)

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers