Funny, I Seem To Find That, No Matter How The Years Unwind, Still I Reminisce About The Girl I Miss, And The Love I Left Behind

--"My Eyes Adored You", The Four Seasons

I was re-reading through The Carisa Meridian the other night and I was sad to realize it still has no resolution. There it sits in my shelf, a half-finished tale of mirth and woe that truly has the potential to be the best thing I ever wrote. That's when I came to the conclusion, that rain or shine, I'm going to start working on it until it's done. Fourteen chapters and one hundred fifty-four pages are nice and all, but they're no novel.

Quite frankly, Carisa, Tierney, Emily, Craig, and everybody else I brought to life almost three years ago deserve to have me see it through to the conclusion. They deserve to live a full life.

----

And you know what reinstilled this hunger to write it? One simple chapter about two young lovers walking home...

The rain fell down on the earth and the trees with the torrent of a full hurricane. I remember looking at the fallen tree branches and the rain overflowing the gutters and thinking to myself, “the things we do for love, eh.” I remember walking on the sidewalks remarking to Carisa how incredibly drenched we were and what wonderful ideas she could came up with. I then told her how much I was anticipating her next scheme of fording the Los Angeles River in hip huggers.

“Are you going to let a little rain falling stop you?”

“If this is a little fall of rain I’d hate to see your idea of a thunderstorm.”

“It’s only water and water can never hurt you. Only people can,” she said, her golden curls currently flat against her face. The water was soaked through her jumper to the blouse beneath and I was wondering how much her water-soaked skirt was impeding her walking skills. Myself I was having a hard time fighting back the unbelievable cold. You would have thought I would have offered her my coat or, at least, gone back to get hers from where it was still laying on the seat at the table we were sitting at, but the only thing running through my mind was I had to get this girl home. She said she wanted to go home and we left, coats be damned.

It was only a twenty-minute walk back to our block and I had been walking by myself for almost a year now since my parents trusted my judgment. Carisa, however, I had never seen walk home by herself. Her mom had always picked her up. In fact, I didn’t even know if she’d ever attempted to walk home at all.

“For a slow poke you sure are walking fast,” I told her.

“It’s the rain. Don’t you just love it? I love it. Plus, it’s just fun walking home.”

“You’d think it was your first time walking home.”

“Oh, but it is, my special, special friend,” she laughed as she jumped into the next big puddle, splashing the immediate vicinity around her. “My mom’s always told me to never try and walk home. But since I had you I decided it would be okay this once.”

“I’m honored to escort you on your first time, Carisa.” I held out my arms in simulation of a royal escort.

“Oh, but the honor is mine,” she said, taking up my arm and laughing the entire time.

“Take me away from all this commonness and petty squabbles, boy. Take me home now.”

“Away we go, milady,” I said as we began skipping down the sidewalk.

A few minutes later, after we’d stopped off at the local fish and chips place for supplies (two seltzers and one giant chocolate chip cookie to share between us), we began walking in the rain again. This time, however, after the brief respite in the warm restaurant I could see Carisa was visibly shivering. I offered her my coat but she shook her head to let me know she wasn’t about to let me give up my only source of warmth.

“But I insist, milady. It’s the chivalrous thing to do.”

“I’m not taking your coat and that’s that.”

“Well if not that how about this?” I asked as I enveloped her in my arms and the coat draped over my shoulders to cover us both up. She struggled for a bit in my embrace but when she saw that I was seriously intending to walk like this for the remainder of the trip she relented.

She felt warmer than my coat ever felt and having my body against her felt absolutely perfect. It’s hard to describe but I don’t think my enjoyment of the moment stemmed from anything sexual. I think it arose from the close proximity I was sharing with her, as if we were two batteries nestled together in a remote control, providing that extra bit of juice between us that we wouldn’t have had on our own. I remember thinking that this is what sex must feel like. Having your body that close to another, feeling somebody else brushing up against your bare skin, seemed like the end-all be-all of physical intimacy. I knew there was much more to it (a rather hurried talk with my dad, a couple of brochures, and many, many, many talks with Craig and Emily had insured I had received a rather circuitous, yet comprehensive, education on sex), but for me I would have been satisfied with the mere touch of Carisa next to me as a substitute for actual sex when we were older. At that age and at that stage in my life I was in love with the idea of sharing affection more than the idea of sharing other things. Besides, at that age, the idea of sex was akin to the idea of driving a car or owning stocks. It was something to be set aside for some future date when I had facial hair. I think in my head those two were linked inescapably, like sex is something only guys in full beards and mustaches had. I often imagined coming home to my parents one day far in the future, telling them I had grown a bit of peach fuzz, and then wishing me good fortune and happy hunting on my sexual escapades.

But on that day with my special Carisa I was content merely to have her in my warm embrace. This was as close to perfect as I ever expected to happen to me.

“I was meaning to ask you, Carisa, how come you never told me you had never walked home before.”

“I don’t know. I guess I figured you’d make fun of me or something.”

At her height my head was directly above her damp hair and every so often the wet tendrils would brush against the bottom of my chin. Also, it made talking to her very difficult because I couldn’t see her face so her voice seemed to be directed at some invisible patron in front of us.

“I wouldn’t have made fun of you. Many kids aren’t even allowed to walk home until they’re twelve or thirteen.”

“If I told you it was my first time you wouldn’t have changed your mind? You wouldn’t have been worried about the rain and all that?”

“Carisa, if you told me to follow you to the ends of the Earth I think I would.”

“Only the ends? Not off?”

“No, I’d say, ‘That’s alright, Sea-snail. You go first. I’ll catch up later.’”

“Some kind of friend you are.”

Truth be told I very well may have taken a header off the horizon for Miss Ashington. I certainly would have made a valiant effort to make a good show of it at the least. I mean—there would have been stylistic points awarded for the twists and flips I was willing to perform for this lady.

“So what other firsts do you think I’ll be a witness to, Carisa?”

“I don’t know.”

“Come on there’s got to be some other secret you want me to know. Otherwise, what good are you to me?”

“Secrets, huh? Well, I’ve never gone out with a boy by myself so you were my first for that. And then again you’re the first boy who has ever been inside of my house—the second friend I’ve had over, after Emily. And I guess you’re the first boy who has ever shared his jacket with me.”

“Don’t forget I was the first boy who was willing to fight for you. I’m particularly proud of that fact.”

I watched her nod her head. She shivered again in my arms and I wrapped them a little tighter around her. I was fighting back the urge to shiver myself and I took some small comfort in her warmth.

“Do you think this would be a perfect setting for our first kiss? I mean—the people in films are always kissing in the rain and saying how it is so perfect. They get to that part where they just let the rain hit them in the face and then saw how in love they are. Then they always say how the kiss was so perfect. Do you think it would be good if we kissed in this rain?”

“Yes,” was the most I could get out at that exact moment in time.

“Huh. Something to think about at least,” she said.

I could no less grow an extra foot at that very moment then forget the comments she had just made. I was wondering when this exact subject would come up and I always envisioned myself bring up the subject. I thought my first time would be at a movie theater since I liked to go to the movies with her so much. I pictured myself a year or two from now, when I had grown some facial hair no doubt, at the movies with Carisa. I would playfully put my arm around her and play it off as stretching, even though I’ve been putting my arm around her for a good two months already. Then I would turn to her and she would turn to me. I would brush the bangs out of her face. She would smile. I would smile. Then I would lean in and kiss her. And we would kiss for a good minute and a half. She would giggle. I would laugh. Then she would tell me how perfect that kiss was.

And then I would say, “It’s the stubble, baby.”

“Have you been thinking our first kiss a lot, Sea-snail?”

“A bit here and there.”

We had reached our block and I was realizing soon that the two of us would have to part ways. I didn’t think Carisa’s mom would be too pleased with the idea of the two of us walking home in the gale force winds and driving rain of today’s storm which ruled out any idea of me being able to stay over at her house. I wanted this day to last forever, longer even, because I knew I’d always remember how close she and I had been. I wanted to hang onto that feeling of closeness and comfort for as long as possible. I didn’t want night to come or the sun for that matter because with those two things there would be a chance I could forget the events of today. I wanted things to remain like this endlessly for fear I might not get the opportunity again to be with Carisa like this for a very long time.

In no time we reached the apex of Carisa’s driveway and I kept an eye out for Mrs. Ashington. I knew that as soon as she saw us our walk home would be officially over. She’d come out, question us why we hadn’t waited for my dad to get there like we told her we would, and then lock Carisa up for a good long while.

“Do you want to come in?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. I have to get home before my dad leaves work and let him know not to come.”

I don’t know why she didn’t immediately run into her home to get out of the rain. Actually, I knew, but couldn’t bear to tell her to get inside before she caught cold or something. I wanted to stay out here with here as much as she wanted to remain as well. In hindsight, I often wondered if she had been waiting for me to make a move all along or if, like many of her ideas and words, she had stumbled upon the idea on the spur-of-the-moment. All I knew was that we must have been waiting in the rain for a good five minutes before either one of us said anything.

“I think this is the part you kiss me.”

If there were any kind of justice in the world such ideas would be outlawed. Nobody should be as blunt and straightforward as that for fear of placing people in actual stupors. Whenever Carisa said something like that to me she placed me in harm’s way. I would not have been surprised to find myself in a state of paralysis or unconsciousness from the shock. Then they would have to wheel me into the hospital flat on my back and a wicked grin on my face. The doctor would take one look at me and ask what happened. The nurse would say I had just been told I could kiss Carisa. The doctor’s face would turn from one of concern to that of pure and unadulterated horror. He would immediately start checking me for signs of life or coherence. Finding none, he would then turn to the nurse.

“Good Heavens, woman! This boy needs a miracle worker not a doctor. That kind of trauma is almost impossible to recover from.” He would then place the sheet over my face, do the sign of the cross, and say, “May God have mercy on his soul.”

“It is?” I tried to ask nonchalantly.

She then turned around, stood on her tiptoes, and kissed me. It wasn’t a long kiss, nor was it the best kiss I ever had, but it was my first so I shall remember it with great fondness. Her lips felt like soft down. I was fortunate enough to have my eyes open as well and, as such, bore full witness to the delight and pleasure Carisa had within the crushing quiet of her eyes. Whether her happiness issued from a place of pure enjoyment of kissing me or from the fact she had surprised me yet again I shall never fully know. When I felt her lips touch mine I was surprised more than anything else. I barely had time to realize that was what we were doing before it was over. If I was smooth or had my wits about me I would have kissed her back. As it was she gave me that look of hers, the one where she seems to be waiting for me to say something, smiled, and then ran to her front door.

As for me I had to content myself with my own delirious smiles for the rest of the rainy day.

Yours Swimmingly
mojo shivers