But I Couldn't Find A Way, So I'll Settle For One Day To Believe In You, Tell Me, Tell Me, Tell Me Lies
--"Little Lies", Fleetwood Mac
On Law and Order: Special Victims Unit yesterday the question was brought up whether or not it was better to lie to a boy's father should proof come up that he, in fact, wasn't the biological father. Is it better to tell the man who loved this child for seven years, caring for it, providing for it, that the child was never really his? Should it even change the relationship at all? Granted, there's always going to be a sense of separation from that point forward, but can a person really give up all that emotion in an instant when the "truth" is revealed? I, for one, believe there is nothing to gain in that situation. The so-called right to know excuse is just a convenient means to ease one's guilt over finding out the truth and to me is tantamount to the desire to spill a secret and spread gossip. If the father loves his son and the truth of his parentage might somehow deter that love in some manner, then I'm all for withholding the truth.
Even tonight, in an even more desire set of circumstances, it was discussed on Pushing Daisies whether Ned should reveal to Chuck the secret that he accidentally killed her father oh so many years ago. Yes, it's a fairly huge secret and it probably should have been spilled a long time ago. Telling her now, though, would serve no purpose. It's not like he planned to kill her father. It's not even like he knew at the time it happened that he was responsible. But the guilt he is experiencing over keeping the secret is a guilt I believe he should learn to live with because revealing it would only make him feel better. In fact, it would only serve to make her feel worse.
I think that's the question that lies at the heart of any desire to reveal the truth, would it make the person you're telling it to feel better or feel worse in the long run. Most secrets, once they're told, have an immediate reaction upon the listener--whether that is glee, anger, sadness, or even sheer fear. However, I think most of us can gauge pretty accurately what the cumulative effect of sharing a secret is going to be. It's our responsibility to decide what's best for a person if we have any depth of feeling for that person when it comes to unburdening ourselves of a secret that directly affects him or her. I'm a firm believer in little white lies. I'm a firm believer in abstaining from offering the truth is not the same thing is lying. I'm a firm believer in doing whatever possible, even if that means outright lying, if it'll spare somebody you love direct harm. In fact, I'm a lot more harsh and forthright when it comes to telling outright strangers the unglossed truth than people I profess to care about.
----
The first time I received a blowjob I was vastly inexperienced which led me to unfortunately relieve myself incorrectly. In short, I peed into her mouth. As you can imagine I was embarrassed and ashamed at the time. The amazing thing is that she was neither disgusted nor upset. She reacted as if nothing out of the ordinary happened and that day we continued to have sex as normal. So convincing was her reaction that I even doubted myself for years that I'd actually pissed. Eventually, all was forgotten and I chalked up the story to faulty recollection of the facts.
Well, cut to three or four years later and I'm talking with the ex in question. We're discussing old times and first times and the anecdotes of our youthful indiscretions when she blurts out the question if I remembered the time I peed into her mouth. Truthfully, it caught me by surprise. I was aghast and embarrassed all over again. Yet, despite that strange mixture of laughter and terror, I decided that she was right to hold onto that particular secret for so long.
I can only imagine if she'd decided to tell me right when it happened how awful it must have been. It probably would've scarred me for life. Worse yet, I can only imagine if she'd decided to wait a couple of weeks or even a couple of months after. We were only barely deciding to become serious and something like that might have derailed any such plans. It would have been like a black cloud hanging over our heads the whole time. I don't know if I would've been able to speak without regret to her after that. I don't know--maybe I might have gotten over it after awhile, but, knowing me, that scenario isn't very likely. Most likely I would have been ashamed of what I had done and angry with myself. That probably would have turned into my getting angry with her for keeping the secret for so long. Assigning blame came a lot easier to me in those first few years and it would have been rather easy for me to take my self-loathing out on her.
That's why I'm kind of relieved she waited. I got to pretend that I didn't do what I did and she allowed me to work my way through my inexperience.
----
As a policy, there are a few people I tell everything to because I know they're ready to hear it. But there are also people who I've spent my entire life shading the truth just a bit because I know the whole truth would completely change their lives around.
There are just some lies that need to be told to save everyone embarrassment. There are just some times when protecting the person you care about means holding out the complete truth. And there are some truths that people aren't ready to hear right away... or ever.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
On Law and Order: Special Victims Unit yesterday the question was brought up whether or not it was better to lie to a boy's father should proof come up that he, in fact, wasn't the biological father. Is it better to tell the man who loved this child for seven years, caring for it, providing for it, that the child was never really his? Should it even change the relationship at all? Granted, there's always going to be a sense of separation from that point forward, but can a person really give up all that emotion in an instant when the "truth" is revealed? I, for one, believe there is nothing to gain in that situation. The so-called right to know excuse is just a convenient means to ease one's guilt over finding out the truth and to me is tantamount to the desire to spill a secret and spread gossip. If the father loves his son and the truth of his parentage might somehow deter that love in some manner, then I'm all for withholding the truth.Even tonight, in an even more desire set of circumstances, it was discussed on Pushing Daisies whether Ned should reveal to Chuck the secret that he accidentally killed her father oh so many years ago. Yes, it's a fairly huge secret and it probably should have been spilled a long time ago. Telling her now, though, would serve no purpose. It's not like he planned to kill her father. It's not even like he knew at the time it happened that he was responsible. But the guilt he is experiencing over keeping the secret is a guilt I believe he should learn to live with because revealing it would only make him feel better. In fact, it would only serve to make her feel worse.
I think that's the question that lies at the heart of any desire to reveal the truth, would it make the person you're telling it to feel better or feel worse in the long run. Most secrets, once they're told, have an immediate reaction upon the listener--whether that is glee, anger, sadness, or even sheer fear. However, I think most of us can gauge pretty accurately what the cumulative effect of sharing a secret is going to be. It's our responsibility to decide what's best for a person if we have any depth of feeling for that person when it comes to unburdening ourselves of a secret that directly affects him or her. I'm a firm believer in little white lies. I'm a firm believer in abstaining from offering the truth is not the same thing is lying. I'm a firm believer in doing whatever possible, even if that means outright lying, if it'll spare somebody you love direct harm. In fact, I'm a lot more harsh and forthright when it comes to telling outright strangers the unglossed truth than people I profess to care about.
----
The first time I received a blowjob I was vastly inexperienced which led me to unfortunately relieve myself incorrectly. In short, I peed into her mouth. As you can imagine I was embarrassed and ashamed at the time. The amazing thing is that she was neither disgusted nor upset. She reacted as if nothing out of the ordinary happened and that day we continued to have sex as normal. So convincing was her reaction that I even doubted myself for years that I'd actually pissed. Eventually, all was forgotten and I chalked up the story to faulty recollection of the facts.
Well, cut to three or four years later and I'm talking with the ex in question. We're discussing old times and first times and the anecdotes of our youthful indiscretions when she blurts out the question if I remembered the time I peed into her mouth. Truthfully, it caught me by surprise. I was aghast and embarrassed all over again. Yet, despite that strange mixture of laughter and terror, I decided that she was right to hold onto that particular secret for so long.
I can only imagine if she'd decided to tell me right when it happened how awful it must have been. It probably would've scarred me for life. Worse yet, I can only imagine if she'd decided to wait a couple of weeks or even a couple of months after. We were only barely deciding to become serious and something like that might have derailed any such plans. It would have been like a black cloud hanging over our heads the whole time. I don't know if I would've been able to speak without regret to her after that. I don't know--maybe I might have gotten over it after awhile, but, knowing me, that scenario isn't very likely. Most likely I would have been ashamed of what I had done and angry with myself. That probably would have turned into my getting angry with her for keeping the secret for so long. Assigning blame came a lot easier to me in those first few years and it would have been rather easy for me to take my self-loathing out on her.
That's why I'm kind of relieved she waited. I got to pretend that I didn't do what I did and she allowed me to work my way through my inexperience.
----
As a policy, there are a few people I tell everything to because I know they're ready to hear it. But there are also people who I've spent my entire life shading the truth just a bit because I know the whole truth would completely change their lives around.
There are just some lies that need to be told to save everyone embarrassment. There are just some times when protecting the person you care about means holding out the complete truth. And there are some truths that people aren't ready to hear right away... or ever.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Labels: decisions, discretion, Lying, Responsibility
posted by mojo shivers @ 1:07 AM
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