You're Mine, My Baby, And You'll Always Be, I Swear By Everything I Own, You'll Always, Always Be Mine

--"We Belong Together", Ritchie Valens

The main reason I've always liked Toby (aside from the fact she has some pretty hot sisters) is the fact she's always reminded me somewhat of myself. She doesn't remind myself necessarily about my obsessive habits, though I do have some of those, and she doesn't necessarily remind me of myself in her use of imagination. She's far too lyrical for my own tastes. The manner in which she reminds me about myself is her ubiquitous way she looks at the world. That aspect of her personality has always been dead-on how I approach life. She doesn't just consider how something is going to play out and then move on; when she takes in the ramifications of a problem, challenge, or concern, she truly takes it to heart.

I take everything to heart. I take everything hard, maybe not in the same way as my young friend, but I process everything far longer than necessary and far deeper than necessary. It's always been my way and I guess it's always been her way as well.

For instance, when I first heard Breanne was getting married, oh, about seven or eight years ago, my first words to her were congratulatory in nature, but my first thoughts were more jealous in origin. While I was speaking about how happy I was for her, I was contemplating the fact that there she was, five years younger than me, and already dedicating her life to someone. I wasn't picturing how fabulous her wedding was going to be, but how come that picture couldn't be mine or, at best, include me in it. That's what I do, I think about how something is going to affect me before it affects someone else.

I was reminded of that incident earlier today.

----

"Guess what."

"What?"

"Nora's getting married," she said with her usual verve. "Isn't that great?"

"Yeah, that's awesome. Tell her congratulations for me," I replied. "I bet your mom is excited."

"Oh, she is. We all are."

For as long as I've known Toby which, granted, has always been a year or so, she's always been updating me on her sisters. I've heard my fair share of stories about how Faye is thriving at Indiana and how much she enjoys what she's been learning. I would have to say, though, that I've heard even more stories about Marion's eldest sister, Nora and her fiance, "Just Plain" Harry. Whether they're told with pride or desolation, the youngest Frisson has never failed to keep me updated about the goings-on about her big sister. It's good for me because I've never had an older sister or older sibling, for that matter, so I'm always curious what it's like to look up to someone. The closest I've ever come to that feeling is my older cousin, but it doesn't really count since he's a mere ten months older than me. To hear Toby talk about "Choppers" you can tell there's a heightened sense of reverence there and more than a little desire to emulate her.

"So she didn't get the huge talk about how she's too young to get married?"

"Why? She's twenty-three."

"That's only barely a woman, Toby."

"Hmmm. Let me check. Gosh. Tastes like a woman to me."

"I"m just saying that she only finished a college a year ago. I always thought the idea was to do some living before you settle down."

"Nora's not like that. To her life begins anew at marriage. She's been wanting this for awhile now. We all have."

"All of you?"

"Harry's great. He's great with all of us. Frankly, I thought he would never ask her. Oh my God, the wait was..."

"Forever?"

"Interminable. Excruciating. Other big words. If he hadn't asked her soon, I would have, I can tell you that much."

"Wow. If you're half as excited as she is, she must be bursting through the roof right now."

I don't know what annoyed me more, the fact Toby was excited for her sister or the fact her sister was getting married. In the first instance, I was a little peeved due to the fact that, unlike me, Toby's always had a way of placing her concerns or pettiness aside when it comes to her family. She feels the same insecurities as I do, but much like Lucy, she's always had the knack of feigning or genuinely experiencing happiness at someone else's news. I can tell you the deeply concerned Toby you read here is a much different Toby once exposed to actual sunlight. I don't know--my cantankerous side has crept to the forefront a time or two in past conversations with her. She's gone through the same slights I have, but rather than let it change her dealings with other people, she's so far been able to set them aside for the sake of not making waves (LOL). Her thoughts on the matter stay hidden from most--namely, those who don't interact with her very often or those who don't regularly read this blog--while my thoughts pretty much never change from here to the outside world. When I grow angry everyone knows I'm angry. When Toby grows upset, it's fairly hardly to tell.

In the second instance, I was a little peeved at the idea that yet another individual ten years my junior has taken that huge step I can never seem to take. I'm not ashamed to admit that it bothers me every time I hear about someone I know who is the least bit younger than me getting married. It bothers me a lot. A small part of me is bothered by the idea that they could risk giving up so much of their lives to make somebody else happy. I know what sacrifices are involved when you make that kind of huge commitment. I've never been married myself, but I have lived with someone and been seriously involved with at least two other people. It's draining. It's exhausting. Also, more than likely, it entails giving up a huge chunk of your time and energy to an effort that may never pay off quite the dividends you hoped for. The larger part of me, the part of me that is that idiotic romantic idealist, knows I'm just annoyed because I never seem to be in that position to take that risk like Nora or like Breanne before her. That part of me knows I'm just annoyed because I still truly believe that, while it may not pay dividends most of the time, that kind of commitment is not entirely without its rewards, without its benefits.

The truth of the matter is, as much as it hurts like hell, I'd rather be in love than not be in it.

"Oh, she's going to be excited for awhile. Just think, she only told my folks at our house at a small gathering of my family. She's going to make the huge announcement this upcoming week at New Year's. When she tells everyone there she might just explode her head," she said matter-of-factly. "There'll probably be blood. I'll probably have to clean it up."

"What do they say again? Don't get any on you."

"Who says that? I don't say that. Who says that?"

"And what does Faye say?"

"Faye's in your camp."

"Figures."

"Yeah, she thinks Nora should live more before tying the knot. But Faye's always going to preach that till the day she dies. None of us is living to our full potential according to her, but especially Nora."

"I happen to agree."

"Isn't that what I just said?"

"Hey, I'm all about the living life thing. I'm onboard the letting the chips fall where they may bus. Fuck it."

"Is that why you're home tonight instead of being out like most people on vacation."

"Hey, I went out. I even dropped off a package and ate at Pick-Up Stix today."

"And how long did that take, Patrick?"

"About ninety minutes."

"And the rest of the time?"

"Mostly spent watching House reruns... puttering around the house... doing laundry."

"Laundry, procrastinating, and t.v.? Mr. Excitement over here."

"Well, part of the reason I stayed home was to talk to you too."

"Don't let me keep you," she laughed. "No one's shackling you to the phone. I like talking and all, but it's somewhere in the night for me, something I can squeeze in before sleep. For you, you still have hours you can burn doing something better."

It could be that I talk a good game. I go on and on about how I don't let anyone tell me what to do or let anyone tell me what to think. Early on B. and I hit upon the motto of "nobody's the boss of me," but I never trusted in what I meant like she did. She's never let anyone dictate what or where she goes. I've lived a long time believing that I'm much the same way. However, it seems a lot of the choices I make in this regard involve doing nothing, keeping to myself, and cutting myself off from various experiences where she's always used the philosophy to do everything, get in the mix, and experience everything. When I say "nobody's the boss of me" it's always in reference to people trying to tell me to do something I'm not interested in or meeting someone I know nothing about. I never make the comment in relation to somebody trying to hold me back, only in relation to somebody pushing me out of my comfort zone.

That could be why I've always been better at telling somebody not to get married, not to get too involved with anyone beside me, not to risk too much of their hearts, because that's the advice I always give myself. For being a romantic idealist when speaking about myself, I'm one heck of a pessimist when it comes to talking about someone else.

That's what I don't get--how with one hand I can be jealous of somebody getting married and then having the nerve to think they're making a mistake at the same time. That makes no sense. It's either one thing or the other. I either envy them their bliss or I condemn them for their lapse of judgment.

"Tomorrow will be better for me. I've got my meeting tomorrow, possibly followed up by a night out. You can't party every night."

"Not at your age anyway."

I let the pause settle before asking the question I'd been trying to ask all night.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" I inquired simply.

"Go ahead."

"Do you ever get jealous of your sisters?"

"Gosh. All the time."

"No, I mean do you ever get really jealous of them?"

"Again, all the time."

"How do you stand it? How stand knowing that for a few personality quirks you could be more like them, have what they have, etcetera?"

She left the question hanging in the air for a long while before I heard her attempt to make her answer. When she finally did speak it told me more than I cared to know about the differences between me and her, and more than I cared to know about how juvenile my jealousy was.

"They're not me."

"Of course not."

"What I mean is that what happens to them has no bearing to what happens to me most of the time. Most of the time when something good happens to them it's not because they're taking that good thing from me. I can't feel too envious about losing something I never had in the first place.

"Besides, when you're plagued with happiness it spreads to everybody, but when you suffer jealousy you suffer alone, I can tell you that much. I don't like feeling bad. Any excuse not to postpone joy is a good excuse."

----

It's difficult for me to be genuinely happy for someone else. Like she said, I tend to equate somebody else's relative well-being as a knock on my own. Perhaps I do honestly feel like when somebody else is happy it means somebody is taking that happiness away from me. More than likely I just equate somebody else's happiness with the fact that I'm unhappy in comparison to them. It's like when you're relatively content with your toys until somebody shows up with bigger and brighter toys. Suddenly what you've always had all along isn't good enough, the joy you'd been experiencing is no longer as enjoyable as it once was. I don't know what it is about hearing about other's people's success that brings out this side in me when most of the time I'm not that competitive. All I know is that I haven't quite been been able to figure out this yearning for what others have when it comes to love and relationships.

I just want what people like Nora and Breanne have, some measure of insulation against those feelings of loneliness and isolation.

But that doesn't mean I should hold them responsible for my own inability to cope with the world at large. In fact, instead of driving myself crazy by denouncing their decision to tie themselves to somebody else, I should take a page out of delfty's playbook and share in their good fortune. For one, it's better to join in other people's revelry rather than bask in one's own misery. For another thing, I might just pick up the secret of their success by just associating with them and not shying away from the whole institution itself.

I want to be happy like they are.

That's not going to happen if I choose to be unhappy every time I hear about somebody else's happiness.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers