There's No Use In Telling Me All Your Plans, I Wouldn't Understand, Another Frame Of Reference
--"Something to Keep", Sambassadeur
I don't remember anything about my high school graduation.
I remember graduating, sure. But I don't remember what I was thinking, I don't remember who all was sitting next to me, I don't remember any of the details one would think one would remember on an occasion as singular as one's high school graduation. I don't remember if and where we stopped by afterwards. I don't remember how I felt going to sleep that night. It's all a huge blur of trying to place myself in the context of the event and only coming up with bullet points. Worst of all, I don't remember the people I graduated with. I remember their names and I remember hanging out with them in the four years leading up to graduation, but I don't remember seeing anyone on that day or seeing anyone afterwards. It's almost like on that day every one of my friends from school faded away for that day... even though I continued to see some of them for months or years afterwards.
I don't know--maybe it's like Cyndi said, "we have no past." Maybe I have something intrinsic in me that shuts off holding onto people the minute I know I won't be seeing them any more. I know that's part of the reason why I don't say good-bye to people if given a choice in the matter. That's why I say farewell or, more precisely and Avonleaish, "fare thee well." I knew something was up when I graduated from junior high and I refused to even hang out with any and all of my classmates from my class over that following summer. Part of my brain must have picked up the idea that I wouldn't be seeing any of them the following Fall so what would be the point in prolonging the inevitable? I guess that idea just stuck with me all the way through high school and beyond.
It's just weird how much of my brain has blocked out about that day. I can remember specific days going to class from Freshman year, but I can't recall what is usually the biggest day of high school.
----
That's probably why I'm puzzled over my desire to go to Louisville for the second time in twelve months to go see my friend Toby graduate from high school. I mean--I don't hold all these warm gooey feelings about my own graduation. Logically, I don't see the connection between what high school means to me and what my heart wants. I don't look back on my days in high school and consider them the high point of my life. Don't get me wrong, I don't consider them the low point of my life either. I've had enough troubles to know that my real low point came years later. But when I look back on high school it's always with the idea that there is no going back and that there shouldn't be any wish to do so. I survived it once and even thrived there for my last years, but it's not an experience I wouldn't want to relive in any simulation.
And it isn't like I have this predilection to attend my friends' graduations. When Tara graduated from high school, I didn't go. I was invited (I think), but it was always fixed in my mind that I would feel sore out of place much like I was debating going to her prom with her since, as some of you may know, I was twenty and seventeen at the time. I didn't want to show up as her boyfriend as just the process of hanging out with her friends normally was really eye-opening. At least with Breanne I didn't have the added pressure of hanging out with her friends while we were dating. At least with her I got to know a few of her friends as just her friend and nothing more. Speaking of which, I never had an overwhelming desire to see her graduation either. I was happy for her, naturally. And I remember congratulating her, but never once was it brought up that I would be attending the ceremony. It was just assumed on both our parts that I would feel out of place--not to mention the expense.
So what is it then? Why do I all of a sudden have this strange compulsion to attend someone else's graduation when never before has the strange compulsion reared its head with anyone else I've known? Except for my brother and DeAnn's sister Denae's (wholly against my will, I must say), I've never gone to another person's graduation, high school or college. I've never had the need and I've never even inquired as to how to go about it.
Am I just having some kind of mid-life crisis and looking for any road to recapturing my youth? I don't think so. I still don't get jealous of when Marion speaks about her latest triumphs at DuPont Manual. I've had my triumphs. I'm not looking for excuses to bring them up again. Am I just using it as an excuse to go out to visit one of my favorite people in the world and her family? No, because my ears didn't really perk up about visiting her again until she mentioned inviting me to the graduation. I could wait a few more months. Indeed, it might be better to plan my trip for later in the Summer, when possibly everyone I want to see will have more time to attend me. Or is it just that I've had a change of heart about my feelings towards pomp and ceremony?
I think it has more to do with this last reason more than anything else. I think I'm just starting to realize that all the weddings, the anniversaries, the baptisms, the bachelor parties, and the other big celebrations that one usually attends over the course of one's life is starting to slowly dwindle for me. I've never had a lot of close friends by me--not close enough, at least, to be regularly invited to such events. I haven't been to a wedding since Denae's, which was way back in 2000, I think. I've never been to an engagement party or even a guy's getaway. My opportunities to be there for my friends when they hit their milestones is starting to slowly dwindle. I'm really beginning to feel like I'm missing out on the huge events that mark a person's life as being one worth remembering. And even though I've had my fair share of pretty memorable milestones, they were always celebrated with close-knit circles or even one or two people in attendance. I've never been one to host or even attend those huge get-togethers that pepper a person's social life. And I think it has more to do with my looking down upon such gatherings as being superficial than any real lack of chances to go.
I always thought the days that mattered, the memories that were worth having, were the ones where you had that one perfect person with you. I always thought the character and quality of a person's time was measured by what truths you could learn about one another and making those intimate connections that most people seem to fail to make. I always looked down on celebrating with people you hardly knew because you started off the night not knowing anyone and pretty much left the same way. I always thought the real joy was in getting to know someone you had met at these places afterwards, afterwards in a more personal setting. I always thought the days worth remembering where those quiet moments of finding the treasure in a person's soul rather than happening upon the person for the first time.
Now I'm starting to realize that, while quiet moments of bonding are well and good, sometimes it's important to just live amongst the world. Sometimes it's not a matter of finding connections with one or two people; sometimes it's just good to be a part of something bigger than yourself even if that something totally drowns you in its wake. There's always time to assert your place as a unique voice, but for me I'm finding less chances to assert my place as a part of a community, as belonging to a village outside of my house.
I think that's what Toby's graduation is for me, a time to be part of something great that has nothing to do with making myself a better, smarter, or more experienced person and has everything to do with making myself into someone more well-rounded. Knowing me, there's always going to be time for those late-night conversations, those "quick" trips to the coffee shops and 24-hour diners that turn into four hour confessions. What I won't always have are huge events I'm invited to where I can just say I was there, I came and played and had fun all in the name of being happy for someone else. What I won't always have is a chance to truly let myself be part of a huge assemblage of people all smiling because one of them truly did something important. What I won't always have is a chance to be part of a group of people all lifting someone else up.
I've spent enough time in solitude. It's time to open the doors again.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
I don't remember anything about my high school graduation.I remember graduating, sure. But I don't remember what I was thinking, I don't remember who all was sitting next to me, I don't remember any of the details one would think one would remember on an occasion as singular as one's high school graduation. I don't remember if and where we stopped by afterwards. I don't remember how I felt going to sleep that night. It's all a huge blur of trying to place myself in the context of the event and only coming up with bullet points. Worst of all, I don't remember the people I graduated with. I remember their names and I remember hanging out with them in the four years leading up to graduation, but I don't remember seeing anyone on that day or seeing anyone afterwards. It's almost like on that day every one of my friends from school faded away for that day... even though I continued to see some of them for months or years afterwards.
I don't know--maybe it's like Cyndi said, "we have no past." Maybe I have something intrinsic in me that shuts off holding onto people the minute I know I won't be seeing them any more. I know that's part of the reason why I don't say good-bye to people if given a choice in the matter. That's why I say farewell or, more precisely and Avonleaish, "fare thee well." I knew something was up when I graduated from junior high and I refused to even hang out with any and all of my classmates from my class over that following summer. Part of my brain must have picked up the idea that I wouldn't be seeing any of them the following Fall so what would be the point in prolonging the inevitable? I guess that idea just stuck with me all the way through high school and beyond.
It's just weird how much of my brain has blocked out about that day. I can remember specific days going to class from Freshman year, but I can't recall what is usually the biggest day of high school.
----
That's probably why I'm puzzled over my desire to go to Louisville for the second time in twelve months to go see my friend Toby graduate from high school. I mean--I don't hold all these warm gooey feelings about my own graduation. Logically, I don't see the connection between what high school means to me and what my heart wants. I don't look back on my days in high school and consider them the high point of my life. Don't get me wrong, I don't consider them the low point of my life either. I've had enough troubles to know that my real low point came years later. But when I look back on high school it's always with the idea that there is no going back and that there shouldn't be any wish to do so. I survived it once and even thrived there for my last years, but it's not an experience I wouldn't want to relive in any simulation.
And it isn't like I have this predilection to attend my friends' graduations. When Tara graduated from high school, I didn't go. I was invited (I think), but it was always fixed in my mind that I would feel sore out of place much like I was debating going to her prom with her since, as some of you may know, I was twenty and seventeen at the time. I didn't want to show up as her boyfriend as just the process of hanging out with her friends normally was really eye-opening. At least with Breanne I didn't have the added pressure of hanging out with her friends while we were dating. At least with her I got to know a few of her friends as just her friend and nothing more. Speaking of which, I never had an overwhelming desire to see her graduation either. I was happy for her, naturally. And I remember congratulating her, but never once was it brought up that I would be attending the ceremony. It was just assumed on both our parts that I would feel out of place--not to mention the expense.
So what is it then? Why do I all of a sudden have this strange compulsion to attend someone else's graduation when never before has the strange compulsion reared its head with anyone else I've known? Except for my brother and DeAnn's sister Denae's (wholly against my will, I must say), I've never gone to another person's graduation, high school or college. I've never had the need and I've never even inquired as to how to go about it.
Am I just having some kind of mid-life crisis and looking for any road to recapturing my youth? I don't think so. I still don't get jealous of when Marion speaks about her latest triumphs at DuPont Manual. I've had my triumphs. I'm not looking for excuses to bring them up again. Am I just using it as an excuse to go out to visit one of my favorite people in the world and her family? No, because my ears didn't really perk up about visiting her again until she mentioned inviting me to the graduation. I could wait a few more months. Indeed, it might be better to plan my trip for later in the Summer, when possibly everyone I want to see will have more time to attend me. Or is it just that I've had a change of heart about my feelings towards pomp and ceremony?
I think it has more to do with this last reason more than anything else. I think I'm just starting to realize that all the weddings, the anniversaries, the baptisms, the bachelor parties, and the other big celebrations that one usually attends over the course of one's life is starting to slowly dwindle for me. I've never had a lot of close friends by me--not close enough, at least, to be regularly invited to such events. I haven't been to a wedding since Denae's, which was way back in 2000, I think. I've never been to an engagement party or even a guy's getaway. My opportunities to be there for my friends when they hit their milestones is starting to slowly dwindle. I'm really beginning to feel like I'm missing out on the huge events that mark a person's life as being one worth remembering. And even though I've had my fair share of pretty memorable milestones, they were always celebrated with close-knit circles or even one or two people in attendance. I've never been one to host or even attend those huge get-togethers that pepper a person's social life. And I think it has more to do with my looking down upon such gatherings as being superficial than any real lack of chances to go.
I always thought the days that mattered, the memories that were worth having, were the ones where you had that one perfect person with you. I always thought the character and quality of a person's time was measured by what truths you could learn about one another and making those intimate connections that most people seem to fail to make. I always looked down on celebrating with people you hardly knew because you started off the night not knowing anyone and pretty much left the same way. I always thought the real joy was in getting to know someone you had met at these places afterwards, afterwards in a more personal setting. I always thought the days worth remembering where those quiet moments of finding the treasure in a person's soul rather than happening upon the person for the first time.
Now I'm starting to realize that, while quiet moments of bonding are well and good, sometimes it's important to just live amongst the world. Sometimes it's not a matter of finding connections with one or two people; sometimes it's just good to be a part of something bigger than yourself even if that something totally drowns you in its wake. There's always time to assert your place as a unique voice, but for me I'm finding less chances to assert my place as a part of a community, as belonging to a village outside of my house.
I think that's what Toby's graduation is for me, a time to be part of something great that has nothing to do with making myself a better, smarter, or more experienced person and has everything to do with making myself into someone more well-rounded. Knowing me, there's always going to be time for those late-night conversations, those "quick" trips to the coffee shops and 24-hour diners that turn into four hour confessions. What I won't always have are huge events I'm invited to where I can just say I was there, I came and played and had fun all in the name of being happy for someone else. What I won't always have is a chance to truly let myself be part of a huge assemblage of people all smiling because one of them truly did something important. What I won't always have is a chance to be part of a group of people all lifting someone else up.
I've spent enough time in solitude. It's time to open the doors again.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Labels: Friendship, graduations, plans, sambassadeur, Toby
posted by mojo shivers @ 12:18 AM
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