I'll Be Alone But Maybe More Carefree, Like A Kite That Floats So Effortlessly, I Was Afraid To Be Alone, Now I'm Scared That's How I'd Like To Be

--"November", Azure Ray

I have recently began looking for another place to live. The tides of change have decided to flow in and I think it's about time I ride them as far as I can before they ebb away again. As a creature of habit, I fear I am like the narrator of Rilo Kiley's "Pictures of Success" who longs to make a drastic change in my life, but can't quite escape the comfort of her familiar surroundings. Well, the circumstances of my life have forced my metaphorical shoes on and prompted me to get ready to go. In this vein of exploring my own life, I have decided that the most radical change I could make is to actually change my surroundings.

At the news of my impending relocation various friends have been all shades of helpful in offering advice on where I should go. Some have even suggested that maybe I could room with them. The only problem with this idea is that I'm far too cantankerous and set in my ways to ever live with someone again. The last time I tried that ended in disaster. That's when I discovered that I possibly have too many eccentric habits and inexplicable patterns of doing things that I'm a very huge pain in the arse to live with. What's worse, Ever since that arrangement sunk to the bottom of the ocean, I think I've only grown ever stranger. People always say that you can never know how you're going to live together with someone until you've actually attempted it. My only quibble with that is that I am fairly confident that I already am going to deplore every second of living with someone else. I am as confident of that as I am confident that something is seriously wrong with me.

It's true that I've made many strides with my current job to open up to more people and not take it so personally when whatever I'm doing at the current moment isn't exactly what I'd like to be doing at the current moment. I've seen what fate awaits the mojo that remains inflexible as there is a guy at work who is as unyielding as steel. Everyday we try to invite him in all the fun reindeer games--dinners, drinking, partying, and all the usual bouts of merriment--but every time he produces a new excuse why he can't join us. He's a good guy and all, but there is a secret sense of pity for the guy because he'll never know what it's like to open up to anyone.

I don't want to be that guy.

However, with the living situation I think I'm already am that guy. He lives alone in this huge house that his parents left him and sometimes I envy him. I don't envy him for the fact that he doesn't have to pay rent. I envy him because he has such a huge place to himself. It's almost like I'd rather live alone for the rest of my life. Even when picturing my future with that special someone, I still more see her having her place and my having my place. Maybe it's just being scared at producing a re-run of my last live-in relationship or maybe it's just that I really am better at living by myself than living with someone. Maybe I'm just that guy.

I can tell you one thing. It sure would take a hell of a woman to want to live with me because I'm a walking disaster.

While I won't give up hope just yet that such a perfect companion exists, I don't think I shall hold out much hope either. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers