And Then I Want To Go Away And See, Well If You're Never Gonna Let Me Feel Alright, And If You're Never Gonna Let Me Go Away
--"About the Picture", Smoosh
`
I used to be so good at it, this walking away thing. I used to be able to find the smallest excuse and turn it to my advantage. It could be something as trifling as not paying enough attention to me when I was talking about the girl I was seeing at the time. Or it could be something that was a huge deal, but I could have very easily let go like them moving on with their lives when I wasn't prepared to move on with mine. Whatever the excuse, I thought it better to cut out the person who was causing me pain entirely rather than hope for the relationship to progress to a better state. That's actually the way I preferred it. My life functioned much simpler that way. It was a system and it worked for me.
Then I got on this whole regret and second chances crusade where I started to believe that it was never too late to patch things up with people. And it worked too. I reached out for people and got fairly positive responses back. Jina, for instance, still amazes me that she's even willing to let me know how she's doing every once in awhile after the way I treated her. I began to feel good that maybe walking away from someone wasn't the life-ending stigma I thought it was. I learned that you can come home again and all will be forgiven.
However, lately, I find myself in a quagmire of confusion. I find myself enamored over someone who I constantly question my importance to. One can compare it to being told how vital one is to a job, but everyday catching glimpses of just how inconsequential one is. How do react when someone is telling you one thing but showing you another? That's the way I feel about her sometimes. Everyone always says that actions speak louder than words and, from her actions, I get the distinct sense that in the scope of things I'm not very important to her. I'm not going to lie to you; it hurts to feel like you matter so little to someone who matters so much to you. Days, a couple of weeks maybe, will go by and I'll finally resign myself to the fact that there is no hope for anything more than what I have no. I resign myself to the fact that what I have is good enough. And then she'll call and say, "hey, we should definitely do lunch" or she'll call and say she saw the perfect gift for me. Part of me thinks it's just a case of guilty conscience, but then a bigger part of me (foolishly maybe) thinks there is something substantial there to build on.
I've told people about this problem. I've told B. and Brandy, and a couple of people at work and even family members, but I can never quite explain how fully stuck I feel. I would say she's just jerking my chain if I actually thought it was that, but it doesn't feel like that. It just honestly feels like she's too busy with her life to appropriate any more time for me into it. That only leads me to keep hoping that it'll get better in the future. Maybe she'll become less busy. Maybe she'll have more time in the future when all indications point to the fact that she'll even have less time in the future and my importance to her will continue to dwindle away to nothingness.
And yet I stay, partly because I think she is like one of those rare creatures who I'll still be friends with twenty years from now. She's that special and unique.
But it's also partly because I'm afraid to walk away from her now, only to regret it later and want to find her again a year or two from now when it's too late. I made that mistake with so many people. I don't want to experience that with her. The last thing I want to realize five years from now is how important she really was to me and how I flubbed it all again by giving up too soon.
So here I remain, stuck, feeling like I want to be a bigger part of her life, yet feeling too grateful that I'm a small part of it to complain. Here I sit, thinking the intelligent choice would be to end it all and cease all these feelings of frustration at the role relegated to me, but emotionally feeling invested into the friendship at hand and believing it may be the biggest mistake of my life to abandon ship.
The truth is I don't know where it's going. All I can ascertain is where it's at now and feeling whiny that where it's at now is not where I want it to be. Is that enough to move onto greener pastures, more accessibile opportunities with other people? I don't know. Basically, all I know is how she makes me feel when she makes me feel we are close, we are connected in some way. All I know is how empty I think a part of my life would be if she were not in it. All I can do is continue hoping that the time I'm investing in this will pay off in the days to come, when everything isn't so complex.
She's got me on a short tether and the sad part is she hasn't even begun to realize how special she's become to me. It's like Caitlin would say, I continue to know her in the hopes that someday I'll have a reason important enough to know her.
I'm stuck and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
`
I used to be so good at it, this walking away thing. I used to be able to find the smallest excuse and turn it to my advantage. It could be something as trifling as not paying enough attention to me when I was talking about the girl I was seeing at the time. Or it could be something that was a huge deal, but I could have very easily let go like them moving on with their lives when I wasn't prepared to move on with mine. Whatever the excuse, I thought it better to cut out the person who was causing me pain entirely rather than hope for the relationship to progress to a better state. That's actually the way I preferred it. My life functioned much simpler that way. It was a system and it worked for me.Then I got on this whole regret and second chances crusade where I started to believe that it was never too late to patch things up with people. And it worked too. I reached out for people and got fairly positive responses back. Jina, for instance, still amazes me that she's even willing to let me know how she's doing every once in awhile after the way I treated her. I began to feel good that maybe walking away from someone wasn't the life-ending stigma I thought it was. I learned that you can come home again and all will be forgiven.
However, lately, I find myself in a quagmire of confusion. I find myself enamored over someone who I constantly question my importance to. One can compare it to being told how vital one is to a job, but everyday catching glimpses of just how inconsequential one is. How do react when someone is telling you one thing but showing you another? That's the way I feel about her sometimes. Everyone always says that actions speak louder than words and, from her actions, I get the distinct sense that in the scope of things I'm not very important to her. I'm not going to lie to you; it hurts to feel like you matter so little to someone who matters so much to you. Days, a couple of weeks maybe, will go by and I'll finally resign myself to the fact that there is no hope for anything more than what I have no. I resign myself to the fact that what I have is good enough. And then she'll call and say, "hey, we should definitely do lunch" or she'll call and say she saw the perfect gift for me. Part of me thinks it's just a case of guilty conscience, but then a bigger part of me (foolishly maybe) thinks there is something substantial there to build on.
I've told people about this problem. I've told B. and Brandy, and a couple of people at work and even family members, but I can never quite explain how fully stuck I feel. I would say she's just jerking my chain if I actually thought it was that, but it doesn't feel like that. It just honestly feels like she's too busy with her life to appropriate any more time for me into it. That only leads me to keep hoping that it'll get better in the future. Maybe she'll become less busy. Maybe she'll have more time in the future when all indications point to the fact that she'll even have less time in the future and my importance to her will continue to dwindle away to nothingness.
And yet I stay, partly because I think she is like one of those rare creatures who I'll still be friends with twenty years from now. She's that special and unique.
But it's also partly because I'm afraid to walk away from her now, only to regret it later and want to find her again a year or two from now when it's too late. I made that mistake with so many people. I don't want to experience that with her. The last thing I want to realize five years from now is how important she really was to me and how I flubbed it all again by giving up too soon.
So here I remain, stuck, feeling like I want to be a bigger part of her life, yet feeling too grateful that I'm a small part of it to complain. Here I sit, thinking the intelligent choice would be to end it all and cease all these feelings of frustration at the role relegated to me, but emotionally feeling invested into the friendship at hand and believing it may be the biggest mistake of my life to abandon ship.
The truth is I don't know where it's going. All I can ascertain is where it's at now and feeling whiny that where it's at now is not where I want it to be. Is that enough to move onto greener pastures, more accessibile opportunities with other people? I don't know. Basically, all I know is how she makes me feel when she makes me feel we are close, we are connected in some way. All I know is how empty I think a part of my life would be if she were not in it. All I can do is continue hoping that the time I'm investing in this will pay off in the days to come, when everything isn't so complex.
She's got me on a short tether and the sad part is she hasn't even begun to realize how special she's become to me. It's like Caitlin would say, I continue to know her in the hopes that someday I'll have a reason important enough to know her.
I'm stuck and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
posted by mojo shivers @ 1:11 AM
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