And The Stars Came Out And Filled Up The Sky, The Music You Were Playing Really Blew My Mind, It Was Love At First Sight

--"Love at First Sight", Kylie Minogue

four five

suspended beneath
a pond frozen overnight,
my heart beats no more.

dw

----

People talk about their first experiences of love as this all-encompassing grand feeling. They rave on and on how much better they feel compared to that state of being hopelessly adrift that accompanies not having love in your life. I think that's the natural tendency to overestimate and exaggerate how that feeling, that particular feeling, far exceeds any happiness that preceded it. Even I was prone to bouts of writing all sorts of melodramatic poetry and love letters and what have you. I don't know--you have all these emotions bursting out and, when you can't be with the inspiration for such emotions, you have to rid yourself of them somehow. Looking back at some of the pieces I wrote, I can only imagine the state of mind I must have been in to be that dire in my professions of love and that reckless in my vows of eternal faithfulness.

That's why I found it a little surprising and somewhat comforting that there is one individual I know that didn't fall completely. I mean--people always warn you when you enter your first serious relationship to guard yourself an inevitable letdown. Most people don't end up staying with their first love--far from it. Most couples that start out young never get the opportunity to grow old. Yet most people blindly enter these arrangements thinking it's forever, that it's for life, and come crashing when it doesn't live up to their careful planning. Frisson always has more in mind that relationships from the get-go aren't built to last, which made me kind of sad to hear how jaded she was when it came to her last relationship. I told her that she needed to enjoy it more while it lasts because you only got your one shot at first love. If anything, it should be filled with that sense of hope, even if the majority of the time it's pretty much wasting your time.

However, now that it's come to an end, I'm glad for her that she isn't devastated like after mine came to an end. Sure, she's shaken and more than a little sad, but she's still a whole person.

I was basically a black hole.

----

...I could look at it as a failing. We broke up. I failed when I've never failed at anything before. That should be more of a shock to me. But I'd rather look to this as a chance, my chance to review my life. When we were together it was always the feeling of how we were doing as a couple; it was never about me. My success and failures rode with how we were regarded at school, with our parents, and with our friends. No happiness was my own. All tears were in regards to him. It was like I no longer functioned as an individual.

I knew this was coming. Didn't I tell you? I wasn't shocked because, as many times as I'd hoped for this, there were as many times that I wished it could come later in my life. I wanted to be older. Appreciate it more. Not be so caught up in the moment. I wanted to have understanding and not just passion....

----

I didn't so much cry as drown in tears when Tara and I broke up. I didn't know how to process the hurt that I was feeling. I'd never experienced it before. I certainly didn't have the foreknowledge like Frisson did that these things ended. It was like stumbling onto fire when I met Tara and the fire going out when we broke up. Of course, I wanted the fire back. Who wouldn't? But because I didn't know how I accomplished it the first time, I didn't know how to get it back. Or even if it would be coming back? That's what broke me apart, losing something that vital from my life and the constant fear that it would never come back.

School suffered. Friendships suffered. I was the poster child for somebody who didn't take rejection well. Not only did I take it out on anyone in striking distance, but I kept up the vain hope that somehow she and I could get back together on. I kept calling her, trying to ingratiate myself in her good graces again. I kept telling people that I was going to win her back. I kept up the idea that we were only a break. It was horrible. It was probably the blackest period in my life up until that point.

I didn't know what I was doing or where to go to next.

Yes, I'll be on the lookout in the next few weeks to see if Frisson will relapse into the mess I was, but she already has more going for her than I did. I went into my relationship as if I'd gotten it right the first time, that Tara and I were forever. I handled my break-up by fighting it every step of the way. I refused to move past it for months afterwards. Toby is just treating like it's a momentary setback--like a flat tire or breaking a leg--and not the end of the world like I expect people her age to do.

I envy her resilience.

----

...Yes, I'm sad. Who wouldn't be? I've been sad before. I wouldn't say this is worse than my other sadnesses. I try to look at it like that and it helps some. This is not going to be any different for me because I refuse to let it be any different. I lost a boyfriend, not my life, because Jack was never my life. I didn't want to make him that.

You know me, I'm too cautious to invest all my faith in one person, one idea, or one dream. I never think anything is going to work out. That way, when something begins to, I can ride it for as long as possible and jump off before it crashes. Don't postpone joy, but don't expect it either. I'm all for the small joys being enough to keep me going through my day. That way, the disappointments all turn out to be small disappointments...

----

I always called myself a romantic idealist. When I fall, I fall hard. I invest so much in trying to please and make it special that I lose sight of it being a matter of two people trying to maintain a relationship. It's like I look at relationships as being a done deal as soon as it starts, instead of something to be nourished and catered after. I feel like, once we're going out, the contract is signed and everything is set in stone after that point. Thus, when it breaks apart, like they mostly do, I feel betrayed. I feel like she didn't live up to her end of the contract. It's not just the end of a relationship that saddens me, it's that sudden loss of complete trust in a person that accompanies it. After all, if she can break up with me, then how could I have trusted her in the first place. Only cowards leave. Only liars tell you they love you and then walk away. That's honestly the thoughts that pour through my head after any break-up.

That's what I did, I laid blame.

First love shouldn't be like that. You should feel sadness and loss, but you shouldn't feel anger. I think that's healthier. When you don't invest everything, you don't lose everything. You can honestly afford to be friends after it. That's what I'm learning more and more from her.

It doesn't have to be about assigning blame. It really can be about mourning the loss of something beautiful and giving the time you spent together the credit it's due. With Tara, there was a long time where I couldn't remember any of the good times. All I saw was how much I hated her for making me feel like that. That wasn't right. I never probably buried what we had. I never had that closure until much later on.

I never really got to feel sad because my anger would always well up more. Maybe if I'd felt only the sadness I could have gotten better a lot sooner. And maybe I might have been able to stay in touch with her more than I did.

Sure, I would have still felt lost, but feeling lost is a lot healthier than feeling nothing but searing hate.

----

four six

an unanchored ship
tossed around by fickle winds
must I look to most.

dw

----

She'll be alright. I know that. And I'd like to think all this time I've spent telling her about my horrible go at first love that I had something to do with preparing her for the experience.

That's something I never had and something maybe I sorely needed at that time.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers