One Thing I Know, One Thing's For Sure, You'll Never Find Another One Like Me, I Know You Want It, I Can See It
--"One Thing I Know", S Club 8
This Friday my alma mater, The University of Southern California, will be holding its 125th Commencement. Among the graduates will be my friend Ilessa Campbell. Though, I haven't made up my mind if I'll skip work (despite my boss's stern warning that I can't miss any day this week) to attend it, I'm still darn proud of her. I won't say graduating college is the most difficult task in the world, but it definitely shows commitment to see a task all the way through. A lot of people, who may be intelligent or talented, never finish college. Is it any great loss? For some, no. But I always tend to treat people with a little more respect and admiration when I found out that they stuck it out rather than opting to blow it off.
Also, lucky for her, she's already found a decent job to begin her illustrious career. She's going to make her way in the world starting in the fair city of Philadelphia. Why anyone would want to forgo the warm climes of Southern California for any city but Boston on the East Coast is beyond me, but that's her decision. I was never so blessed to find a job I wanted to do straight out of college so I don't wish her any will in that respect. I'm happy for her through and through.
I just worry that this will spell the end of our relationship together. I know this pattern well. Friends leave and they never come back. I mean--Peter left and our friendship was never the same. Carly left for college and we've hardly talked in the last few months. I just know the same will happen with her. It isn't something I've only recently begun to worry about. It's been weighing on my mind in the last few months, as I'm sure it will continue to weigh on my mind while we're in Boston next week. How am I going to look at her, let alone go out with her knowing that every thing we do might be the last time? I've never been good at hiding my feelings, good or bad, and all I think about when I talk to her or see her is how much I'm going to miss her. Rather than enjoy the days I have left with her, all I'm seeing in my head is countdown timer.
It just seems like everyone is leaving these days. First, Breanne with her "sabbatical" and now Ilessa. I'm getting sick of it. It's like you get close to people, you let them in, and what happens next? They abandon you for greener pastures. What's worse, they don't even have the decency to feel bad about it. They don't get choked up liked it. They don't voice their regret or dissatisfaction. They might give it a moment's lip service, but they don't mean it. Not like I do. I feel loss. It's like when I'm talking to Ilessa, at the movies or while we're out at dinner, I'm talking a ghost because all I can think of is how she won't be there to do things like that in a month, in a week, tomorrow, &c... Yet she talks on like it's just any other day, like nothing big's going to change. Everything's going to change. Everything's going to be different. I just want her to acknowledge that. I just want her to feel as bad as I feel. I want her to miss me as much as I'm going to miss her.
It's no big secret that I don't make close friends easily. I don't let a lot of people in to see what I'm really like because I'm deathly afraid that they won't like what they see. I play the part of a nice acquaintance. I play the role of somebody who's easy to get along with. However, the few people who have gotten to really know me, that I'm a pain in the ass to deal with sometimes. She was one of the few who got that about me. Not that she was happy whenever I brought this side out, but she took it. She pushed past it like all of my friends have had to do. It's hard to replace that kind of loyalty easily. I'm getting too old to try to find that again. There comes a point in time when all you want to do is count your gold and stop panning for it.
It's easy for her. She's still relatively young. She'll make friends like that. Somebody with her easygoing personality, unabashed forthrightness, and not unnoticeable good looks can always find people to flock around her. I mean--she caught my attention and I rarely put myself out there to be taken in by first impressions. And despite her flaws--occasional callousness, momentary lapses in judgment, and a lack of seriousness among them--there was nothing I couldn't work with. To put it another way, she didn't annoy me as much as I thought she would, and about 90% of the world annoys me. That's death in my book. I would rather somebody hate me, despise me, or outright loathe me than for somebody to annoy me. Because, in the end, it's easy for me and that person to avoid each other if we hate each other. But when somebody's annoying and they're in your life, you can't just walk away. What do you say? I can't talk to you anymore because you're annoying? That just sounds so stupid. But that's the way I feel and that's the way I act sometimes. I can get over someone hating me really quickly, but if somebody annoys it sticks like a craw in my mind for months and months. True, it's an obsession of mine, but at least I know I have it.
Ilessa has been rude, vulgar, and sometimes unmanageable.
But she's never been annoying.
I'm going to miss that.
I'm going to miss the fact she was the only other person I knew who could take or leave her family like I feel. I'm going to miss being able to discuss with her how friends are better than family because you can screen your friends before you let them into your lives, while you're just stuck with your family. I'm going to miss talking to the person who watched movies with the same reverence I did--getting to the theater thirty minutes early to expressly watch the previews; eschewing VCD, bootlegging, or downloading of any kind; and being up for the occasional watching of the same movie twice in the theater. I'm going to miss the creepy sense of urgency she had for finding out about other people's business. The whole "gumshoe" persona she perfected still keeps in stitches because she's got the lingo and mannerisms down pat. Most people would consider nosiness a vice, but it's always been a strength of hers. I'm going to miss her approach to life, the way she considers the worst years of her life behind her. When you suffered like she suffered as a kid, I could see why taking the attitude of blue skies ahead is the only way to survive. While there have been times where I wish she would worry more about her actions, I don't begrudge her inherent optimism. Just become I'm a downer most of the time doesn't mean I like to surround myself with more of the same.
In fact, that's what I worry about too. I worry about how much she's gained from me during the course of this friendship that's about to end soon. What the hell have I done for her? It just seems to me she's provided me with more positives than I ever provided her. I worry about that'll be the reason why we lose touch. She'll find more interesting people, people more of her mentality while in the city of Brotherly Love, and she'll wonder why she ever wasted her time with me. I get anxious about this trip to Boston, like it's my last shot to impress her into wanting to maintain contact with me. I don't know--I've never worried about people coming and going. If it's somebody I felt close to, I didn't worry about them keeping in touch because I knew they would. If it was somebody I didn't care about losing, when I did lose them it didn't faze me very much. She's different. Ilessa's on that bubble where she could really go either way and I'm really worried about losing her for good.
Breanne? She can take her sabbaticals. The two of us cannot talk for a month or two and it's no big deal. There's no doubt in my mind that we'll hook up again and it'll be like we never spent any time apart.
With Miss Campbell I'm in the strange position of not knowing whether it's best to let her go to let her know I have full faith we'll back together someday or to let her in on my fears to let her know that I really do care about what happens to the two of us. I don't know which shows how much I care more. I should have confidence... but I don't know if she's just waiting for me to tell her how I feel first. Maybe if I let her go without knowing, she'll jump to the conclusion that I don't care what happens. Or maybe if I tell her, she'll be mad that I didn't trust her enough to keep what we have going. Either way I'm screwed.
cause all you're ever gonna need
is a love like me
Right now I just want her to miss me. I don't want to think I can be forgotten that easily.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
This Friday my alma mater, The University of Southern California, will be holding its 125th Commencement. Among the graduates will be my friend Ilessa Campbell. Though, I haven't made up my mind if I'll skip work (despite my boss's stern warning that I can't miss any day this week) to attend it, I'm still darn proud of her. I won't say graduating college is the most difficult task in the world, but it definitely shows commitment to see a task all the way through. A lot of people, who may be intelligent or talented, never finish college. Is it any great loss? For some, no. But I always tend to treat people with a little more respect and admiration when I found out that they stuck it out rather than opting to blow it off.Also, lucky for her, she's already found a decent job to begin her illustrious career. She's going to make her way in the world starting in the fair city of Philadelphia. Why anyone would want to forgo the warm climes of Southern California for any city but Boston on the East Coast is beyond me, but that's her decision. I was never so blessed to find a job I wanted to do straight out of college so I don't wish her any will in that respect. I'm happy for her through and through.
I just worry that this will spell the end of our relationship together. I know this pattern well. Friends leave and they never come back. I mean--Peter left and our friendship was never the same. Carly left for college and we've hardly talked in the last few months. I just know the same will happen with her. It isn't something I've only recently begun to worry about. It's been weighing on my mind in the last few months, as I'm sure it will continue to weigh on my mind while we're in Boston next week. How am I going to look at her, let alone go out with her knowing that every thing we do might be the last time? I've never been good at hiding my feelings, good or bad, and all I think about when I talk to her or see her is how much I'm going to miss her. Rather than enjoy the days I have left with her, all I'm seeing in my head is countdown timer.
It just seems like everyone is leaving these days. First, Breanne with her "sabbatical" and now Ilessa. I'm getting sick of it. It's like you get close to people, you let them in, and what happens next? They abandon you for greener pastures. What's worse, they don't even have the decency to feel bad about it. They don't get choked up liked it. They don't voice their regret or dissatisfaction. They might give it a moment's lip service, but they don't mean it. Not like I do. I feel loss. It's like when I'm talking to Ilessa, at the movies or while we're out at dinner, I'm talking a ghost because all I can think of is how she won't be there to do things like that in a month, in a week, tomorrow, &c... Yet she talks on like it's just any other day, like nothing big's going to change. Everything's going to change. Everything's going to be different. I just want her to acknowledge that. I just want her to feel as bad as I feel. I want her to miss me as much as I'm going to miss her.
It's no big secret that I don't make close friends easily. I don't let a lot of people in to see what I'm really like because I'm deathly afraid that they won't like what they see. I play the part of a nice acquaintance. I play the role of somebody who's easy to get along with. However, the few people who have gotten to really know me, that I'm a pain in the ass to deal with sometimes. She was one of the few who got that about me. Not that she was happy whenever I brought this side out, but she took it. She pushed past it like all of my friends have had to do. It's hard to replace that kind of loyalty easily. I'm getting too old to try to find that again. There comes a point in time when all you want to do is count your gold and stop panning for it.
It's easy for her. She's still relatively young. She'll make friends like that. Somebody with her easygoing personality, unabashed forthrightness, and not unnoticeable good looks can always find people to flock around her. I mean--she caught my attention and I rarely put myself out there to be taken in by first impressions. And despite her flaws--occasional callousness, momentary lapses in judgment, and a lack of seriousness among them--there was nothing I couldn't work with. To put it another way, she didn't annoy me as much as I thought she would, and about 90% of the world annoys me. That's death in my book. I would rather somebody hate me, despise me, or outright loathe me than for somebody to annoy me. Because, in the end, it's easy for me and that person to avoid each other if we hate each other. But when somebody's annoying and they're in your life, you can't just walk away. What do you say? I can't talk to you anymore because you're annoying? That just sounds so stupid. But that's the way I feel and that's the way I act sometimes. I can get over someone hating me really quickly, but if somebody annoys it sticks like a craw in my mind for months and months. True, it's an obsession of mine, but at least I know I have it.
Ilessa has been rude, vulgar, and sometimes unmanageable.
But she's never been annoying.
I'm going to miss that.
I'm going to miss the fact she was the only other person I knew who could take or leave her family like I feel. I'm going to miss being able to discuss with her how friends are better than family because you can screen your friends before you let them into your lives, while you're just stuck with your family. I'm going to miss talking to the person who watched movies with the same reverence I did--getting to the theater thirty minutes early to expressly watch the previews; eschewing VCD, bootlegging, or downloading of any kind; and being up for the occasional watching of the same movie twice in the theater. I'm going to miss the creepy sense of urgency she had for finding out about other people's business. The whole "gumshoe" persona she perfected still keeps in stitches because she's got the lingo and mannerisms down pat. Most people would consider nosiness a vice, but it's always been a strength of hers. I'm going to miss her approach to life, the way she considers the worst years of her life behind her. When you suffered like she suffered as a kid, I could see why taking the attitude of blue skies ahead is the only way to survive. While there have been times where I wish she would worry more about her actions, I don't begrudge her inherent optimism. Just become I'm a downer most of the time doesn't mean I like to surround myself with more of the same.
In fact, that's what I worry about too. I worry about how much she's gained from me during the course of this friendship that's about to end soon. What the hell have I done for her? It just seems to me she's provided me with more positives than I ever provided her. I worry about that'll be the reason why we lose touch. She'll find more interesting people, people more of her mentality while in the city of Brotherly Love, and she'll wonder why she ever wasted her time with me. I get anxious about this trip to Boston, like it's my last shot to impress her into wanting to maintain contact with me. I don't know--I've never worried about people coming and going. If it's somebody I felt close to, I didn't worry about them keeping in touch because I knew they would. If it was somebody I didn't care about losing, when I did lose them it didn't faze me very much. She's different. Ilessa's on that bubble where she could really go either way and I'm really worried about losing her for good.
Breanne? She can take her sabbaticals. The two of us cannot talk for a month or two and it's no big deal. There's no doubt in my mind that we'll hook up again and it'll be like we never spent any time apart.
With Miss Campbell I'm in the strange position of not knowing whether it's best to let her go to let her know I have full faith we'll back together someday or to let her in on my fears to let her know that I really do care about what happens to the two of us. I don't know which shows how much I care more. I should have confidence... but I don't know if she's just waiting for me to tell her how I feel first. Maybe if I let her go without knowing, she'll jump to the conclusion that I don't care what happens. Or maybe if I tell her, she'll be mad that I didn't trust her enough to keep what we have going. Either way I'm screwed.
cause all you're ever gonna need
is a love like me
Right now I just want her to miss me. I don't want to think I can be forgotten that easily.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Labels: Evolution of Friendships, farewells, Ilessa, Longing, S Club 8
posted by mojo shivers @ 1:16 AM
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